“Mommy!!” I heard our toddler wailing from her bedroom—for the fourth time that night. As I again dragged my weary body from bed to see what was wrong, I mentally steeled myself to be patient. I certainly wasn’t feeling patient. I just wanted her to GO TO SLEEP! I had to consciously remind myself that loving her meant being gentle and kind even when I felt exasperated.
In this “month of love” we are inundated with messages of what it means to love. Mostly these tout romantic love. Love that, like Cupid’s arrow, randomly pierces your heart. You can’t control it; you just follow where it leads. This Valentine's Day how about giving our children an understanding of real love in all its wonder?
Love is fun. One element the Valentine’s advertisements get right is that love is fun! Whether we’re wrestling on the floor, curling up to enjoy a favorite movie, or taking an early morning walk to share the sunrise—being with, connecting to, enjoying the company of those we love is fun. During this month of love—we can intentionally add elements of Valentine fun to bring us together.
Pull out the construction paper and decorate the windows with hearts and paper cut-outs of family members. (Even easier—print Valentine’s coloring pages from the internet and color together.) Have your family design a Valentine’s feast of everyone’s favorite dishes and spend some time preparing the meal together complete with heart-shaped brownies for dessert. Plan a special winter outing. Whether you try cross country skiing, visit a new museum, or sample a new board game—having adventures together is one of the best expressions of real love.
Love is committed. In the Valentine version of love, you get to follow your heart. If you feel like sacrificing, you do. If your heart just isn’t into it, you get to bail. That’s not real love. I don’t get to respond to my daughter’s middle-of-the-night crying only when I feel like it. She depends on me to protect her, provide for her, and to comfort her—no matter how I feel.
We give our children an understanding of real love every time we give ourselves to them—most especially when we really don’t feel like giving ourselves. It speaks volumes when, in the middle of our busy day, we set other attentions aside to fully listen to them tell their story or sit on the floor to play a game. Our children feel loved when we commit to caring for them, nurturing them, cuddling them—no matter our mood or the endless list of other things to do. They even feel loved when we remain committed to enforcing the standards we’ve set. In a chaotic world, parents who hold the line provide security, comfort, and a real sense of being loved.
Love is for everyone. Those who tout romantic love often make it seem that love is the exclusive province of those with perfect bodies and winning smiles. For children who feel self-conscious, clumsy, and all-too-imperfect, this version leaves them in the cold. We can teach our children that love isn’t based on fitting an arbitrary mold—love comes simply with being part of the family. We love them because God designed them to be in our homes just as they are. We love them because they belong with us and are part of us. The security of being loved no matter what is the best gift we can give our children.
The best expressions of this love are those that make clearly communicate our love in a way our children can hear it. When we take time to sit with those children who just love to visit or to play with those children who need a heavy-duty physical outlet, when we give trinkets to our collectors and write notes to our children who blossom under praise--we concretely demonstrate that our love is tailored to them. When we take time to communicate our love in the way our child best hears it, they realize love is for everyone—especially them.
As I enter my daughter’s room and whisper, “What’s the matter, honey?” She grasps my neck and pulls me close. I feel her body relax against mine, safe in the protection of my arms. As she drifts to sleep, she murmurs, “I love you, Mommy.” As my heart swells with an incomprehensible adoration of my daughter, I realize my exasperation would have had me miss this moment. I pray I never give in to simply following my feelings. Instead, may we all spend our days enjoying the wonder of real love.
This month’s topic: What are your favorite Valentine traditions?
