- Conversation--Something about the slow, steady work of tilling soil or weeding plants makes room for unstructured conversation. Without the distractions of household noise, what begins as a discussion of where to put the seeds flows into noticing the shapes in the clouds, the call of the birds, and then whatever else is on our child's mind. Parents have so much pulling at us--we can so easily be unavailable to our children for far more time than we realize. Between the computer, dinner, and bills we put our children off to take care of the details of life. Gardening buffers out aspects that interrupt and allows for conversation while working--a great recipe for connection.
- Exploration--I love rediscovering the world through my child's eyes. Gardening opens aspects of the world to discovery. The worms and bugs living in the soil that aid our labors, the wonder of a tiny seed becoming dinner in a few weeks--a myriad of discoveries await in our backyards to be shared. When children ask questions about how the process works, we either share what we know or grab a book and discover together--great memories.
- Work ethic--God designed children to learn from their parents while working beside them. Deuteronomy 6:6-7. Children inherently love being with their parents, learning from them, and participating with them. We've lost a lot of that dynamic in our current culture. More, children have lost the opportunities to engage in productive work. By institutionalizing an extended play culture for children, we've separated children from real work. Our children often can't see themselves as able to engage in meaningful activity which produces positive results for others. Gardening counteracts this. It tests physical as well as intellectual skills. It creates problem solving moments such as how to keep the deer or chickens away from the baby plants. Further, when the team brings that harvest of tomatoes or bouquet of flowers to the table, they share in the knowledge that together with you--they have done something meaningful.
- Start small--If you haven't gardened before, take it slow. A few plants in a small plot may be the perfect introduction. Giving children their own garden offers a sense of connection and ownership that engages and excited them. Till some soil around a tree for wildflowers or create a small plot for her favorite vegetable. If it goes well, take the excitement from this year's success to expand next year.
- Let your child pick--Build your child's enthusiasm by letting him make a few choices. Let him check options in the seed catalogue or head to a store to let your child choose the plants they want to tend. Ownership leads to longer commitment.
- Celebrate victories--Make a feast featuring the first fruits from the garden or decorate the house with the blooms from the flowers. As you bring the successes into your home, you communicate their efforts have tangible value which both increases the connection between you and affirms a work ethic in them.
Soccer, drama, piano, Algebra club, Boy Scouts, Girls in Action—the activities available to our children astounds. For many families the motto is, “sign up early and often” to expose children to as many opportunities as possible. While each opportunity is good, families can soon find ourselves drowning in our schedule. How do parents take advantage of all the good available to our children while protecting family time and ties? Consider these signs that your family may be in over its head.
Skipping family dinners. By every measure—eating dinner together improves family life. Lower depression rates, lower drug usage, lower risky sexual behavior, better grades, and increased family ties all characterize children who regularly eat dinner with family. Cutting out family dinners to accommodate extracurricular activities may be a sign the activities are out of balance.
Options —set aside two sacrosanct days per week to eat dinner together. When soccer teams or piano teachers ask for those nights, simply reply that those nights are already booked. In our over-scheduled culture, most coaches/teachers will accept this without further inquiry. Even if you get push-back, sticking to these nights teaches our children that family takes priority over extra activities—an important lesson in itself.
—eat when you can. Whether everyone converges on Wendy’s® prior to scattering for the night’s activities or eats together at ten o’clock—set dinner when everyone can be together. Again, the effort to find a time teaches that we will protect family in the midst of activity.
Wearing soccer gear to church. When extra-curricular activities cause us to skip or compromise those priorities we claim are more important, we may be treading deep water. When two events clash, the one we choose signals which matters most. If we’re dashing from church to make a game, we may be signaling that sports counts more than faith. If that’s true—no problem. If we wouldn’t say that’s true, we need to avoid sending the wrong signal by choosing the top priority over the lesser with our time. Healthy families keep top priorities top.
Option—create a family priority list. When deciding whether to add a new activity, pause to ask, “What happens if child succeeds? Will any part of this commitment cause us to compromise on higher priorities?” If so, it may be better to take a pass.
With the range of options available, there will be opportunities which support, rather than compete with, family values. When our family found every night of the week devoted to a different child’s soccer practice and two parents consistently working to be at three different soccer fields in three different towns at the same time, we looked for another option. We found a karate program where all children (and even parents) attended the same night at the same time. We still got our sports fix, and we gained four nights to be together at home.
Replacing family fun with family frustration. Activities are supposed to enrich our lives. When they are at a healthy level, families enjoy going to practices, performances, and the overall experience of being part of the group. If the family emotion has gone from pleasure to panic, the tone from encouraging to bickering, and the pace from calm to frenetic—call the life guard. Impatience and frustration characterize overloaded families. When frustration replaces fun, it’s time to pare down.
Option—each has different limits. Know thyself. Discern the number of hours of outside involvement which allows your family to participate while maintaining an atmosphere of patience, enjoyment, and a sense of control over events, then set this as a hard limit. A good rule of thumb for younger children is two hours per week, for middle and high school students about six hours per week. This allows involvement in activity while preserving time for homework, family, and general downtime.
We want the best for our children, so we take advantage of every opportunity to expose them to the good stuff of life. Yet, we need to remember—the best stuff of life is simply being together as family. Finding the balance between individual activity and healthy home life is a constant challenge. A little attention to common warning signs can help keep family as the central priority while we enjoy the range of opportunities waiting to enrich our children’s lives.
This month’s topic: What activities does your family enjoy? How do you set limits?
Summer is winding down. For many families, school begins in just three weeks. How will you spend those last precious days together?
“What have you enjoyed most over the past year? “ Our family ponders this question every New Year’s Eve. A few years ago Mike and I were quite surprised by our children's answer. Though we typically don’t travel much, we had enjoyed the good fortune of a variety of big trips—Washington, D.C., the Florida coast, and the west.
The unanimous chorus of our children on the favorite event of the year? A tiny camping trip we had taken to a local state park. Though our children enjoyed the bigger trips, they cherished the downtime of being together and simply fishing a quiet lake, meandering through the woods, and telling stories around the campfire.
Whether your children head off to school or you homeschool, there is very little summer left. What great family moments still wait for you? It doesn’t have to be big. As the little boy in the movie, Up, declares, it’s the “boring” stuff that children often most enjoy.
Have you?
- Watched clouds in the sky
- Had a picnic in the park
- Caught lightning bugs
- Run through a sprinkler
- Enjoyed a drive-in movie
- Camped in the backyard
- Raced your child down a slide
- Played an all-night card tournament
- Gone fishing
- Attended an ethnic festival
- Watched a parade
- Enjoyed an free movie/play/concert at the park
- Roasted marshmallows over a fire
- Played flashlight tag
Between camps, sports training, large vacations, and outdoor chores—the fun of summer can get lost. Don’t let this one get away without enjoying some of the “boring stuff” that builds lifelong memories.
This month’s topic: What are your best memories of past summers?
