Anger. What is it with anger? How can we be so in love and engaged with our children one moment, then so angry the next? Few parents escape the experience of that sick feeling of guilt after we've truly blown it with our child.

We know when our blow-ups are wrong. We know the damage they cause. We so often fear our own reactions because they seem to come from out of the blue--wreaking havoc, hurting those we love.

At the same time--at our core--we know we're right. Often, our anger is justified. Our children have done the very things we've spent so much time teaching against--hurting others; hurting us. How do we find the balance? How do we justifiably react to what is wrong without giving in to an anger that only damages.

Dr. S. M. Davis, pastor and consultant on family issues, calls parental anger the Number 1 destroyer of Godly families. If he's right, we must find a better way. Three keys for dealing with anger can show us that better way. The keys can be summed up in the phrase coined by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting, "Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing."

Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we're angry--there's a reason. God gives people emotions as tools for sensing the deeper layers of life going on around us. When we feel angry, that's the signal that something needs to be addressed.

Scripture teaches that we must first examine our own life. Matthew 7:3-5 Is the issue that needs addressing coming from within? When we try to parent on minimal sleep and no breakfast, we can find ourselves blowing up over relatively minor infractions. Between staying up all night with sick children, encouraging our spouses through job stresses  and managing a household--frustrations can mount. Our anger over child's behavior may have less to do with child and more with our need for a nap. Even further, when we are stressed by relationship issues, job issues, or financial issues--our nerves wear to a frazzle making it easy to snap at our children. When we pause to examine whether the issues our anger signals lie within us, we find ways to deal with the issues without snapping at the children.

Once we've examined our own lives, we are then in a position to examine our child's. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we become angry that our child won't concentrate on his work or keeps hitting his sister or back-talks when we give instructions--the anger is right. God has given our child a job of school. When child refuses to settle down and work, he is rebelling against God. When he hits his sister, he's rebelling against God's command to love others sacrificially. When he responds poorly to you, he's rebelling against the authority God has placed in his life. Our frustration with these behaviors rightly points us to heart issues that must be addressed.

Anger is a terrible tool for fixing what is wrong. James 1:2 says, "Man's anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires." Our anger won't bring about righteousness in our children. This is the source of our confusion. We are rightly angry, but that anger can't bring about righteousness. So, when we act in anger, we fail to follow God's direction in dealing with the situation which means we are now as in the wrong as our child. Hence the guilt. Hence the havoc wreaked when we blow up.

Instead, we need to allow the anger to signal when a situation needs addressing. Then, we need to address by getting on our knees and asking God for guidance in dealing with our child's heart. James 4 tells us that if we seek getting our way, we will have quarrels and fights. But, if we seek God's wisdom, He will give it.

Sometimes He gives the wisdom right away. We know that the hitting shows a lack of love for sister that violates God's command to love. We can take son aside and say, "Son, what in your heart is causing you to hit your sister?" As he shares his frustration that she keeps taking his pencils or does better than him at his math, you can offer, "I'm sure that is frustrating. She isn't treating you well. But, how does God want us to treat those who are hurting us?" Then comes the very concrete lessons of loving those who hurt us, finding Godly ways to share frustration rather than giving in to sin, or taking the time to see from another's perspective--the real discipleship of home schooling lived out in the scenes of our life, daily.

The key is refusing to use anger to resolve the situation but instead using God's word. If you need help knowing where to find His direction for a specific situation, I love Kara Durbin's Parenting with Scripture. She categorizes scripture based on heart attitude. Incredibly helpful resource.

Focus on the hearts. When we develop the habit of letting our anger inform us of situations that need our attention but deal with those out of God's word bathed in our patience, gentleness, firmness, and love--we stop blowing up. The pattern moves from us living a guilt-ridden roller coaster of costly interactions with our children to a pattern of God's word shaping our relationships. Our focus moves from the outer behavior to the heart.

Our children's behavior gives a clear mirror of the activity of their hearts. So does ours. When we focus on the hearts--ours and our child's--we open our hearts to seek God's reign in everything. We let His word shape and mold us. We become the people of God we long to be.

As parents--we get angry. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing. As we use our anger to take note of issues we need to address but God's word as the tool, we take our families from damaged to healthy. Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' above to discuss this month's topic.

"In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." 1 Thes. 5:18. 
I have to admit--this verse chokes me a bit. Give thanks for the temper tantrum? Give thanks for the teenage rebellion? Give thanks for the illness threatening the survival of my child? Yes. 
Over  the years I have learned the blessing of keeping this verse, even though my follow-through still struggles a bit. In my child's temper tantrum, I see a reflection of my own occasional attitude toward God. The view brings me to needed repentance. 
In the teenage rebellion, I get a glimpse of the areas of my child's heart that need Jesus's saving touch and the discipleship we must attend to before they leave home. 
In my child's illness, I gain a glimpse of the absolute dependency we have on God for every breath. I'm reminded to be grateful for all He gives.
In everything give thanks. God sends it all for a purpose.  #parenting


Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' above to discuss this month's topic.

A couple of days ago, my Your Family Matters post on Facebook was: "Great Moments in Parenting--Last night I'm making supper and can't find a pot to steam veggies to save my life. Not in dishwasher, cupboard, or on counter. In a hurry, I improvise. Later, as I go upstairs to tuck littlest in bed, I hear a rhythmic beat. You got it. All the pots are in her bed, and she's drumming to beat the band. Evidently, practiced all afternoon. Big points for creativity!"
I posted this as a funny moment in parenting. A comment shocked me.
One mom congratulated me on not punishing my daughter. She remarked that she knew many parents who would have seen the behavior as mischievous and punished. Really?!!
Though I often work with parents who don't understand how, when, or where to punish children and so choose to let their children run amok; equally concerning are parents who punish too much.
When not to punish:

• When children are being children. Children haven't yet lived the range of experiences you have. They don't know how to negotiate social situations or accurately assess choices. We don't punish when they act out of childish ignorance.

• We don't punish because a child's act inconvenienced, embarrassed, or put us in an uncomfortable spot. Just because child asks a question we can't answer, we don't punish. Just because child repeated a remark we made that we now regret, we don't punish. Just because child's plan for learning drums means the pots aren't on hand, we don't punish. We might have a discussion about a better choice. We explain what we would like to see instead. But, we don't punish. They didn't disobey--they merely acted in a way we didn't anticipate and don't know how to handle. We figure out how to handle rather than wreaking vengeance.

• We don't punish because we're tired, overwhelmed, or stressed. Too often, especially in homes where both parents work, both parents are strained to the limit. The best energy, attention, and emotion get expended for the person writing the pay check. We have only dregs to offer our family. When children demand more than this simply by needing our time or attention, we often snap. And punish. This is wrong. Our children deserve our best time, energy, emotion--not the leftovers. Parents must reserve their best for their family to avoid acting out of stress or tiredness. Don't let work become the excuse for being either a lazy parent or a wrongly punishing parent.

When to punish: Punishment should be given only when a child knows what he should do and refuses to do so. Punishment should be only a tool in the larger picture of guiding our children to live in unity with God--His love, His holiness, His righteousness. We focus on our child's heart--is her heart right with God. If not, we may need to educate. We may need to pray. We may need to punish an ongoing pattern of doing what she knows she shouldn't.

Our family has found that we boil punishment situations down to three:

• Punish when a child lies. Every time.
• Punish when a child fails to show respect--in attitude, voice, or action.
• Punish when a child disobeys a direct command or a standing rule.

That's it. That doesn't mean everything else goes. It just means we deal with other situations in different ways. With education. With prayer. With conversation about cause and effect.

When parents know when, and when not, to punish--we are freed to engage fully with our children. We are focused on which issues are their behavior and which are our own behavior. We are freed to delight in a daughter confiscating ordinary pots to create her own beautiful music.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Email recipients can click the title to access web page to leave your comments. Click on 'comments' above to discuss this month's topic.