We know when our blow-ups are wrong. We know the damage they cause. We so often fear our own reactions because they seem to come from out of the blue--wreaking havoc, hurting those we love.
At the same time--at our core--we know we're right. Often, our anger is justified. Our children have done the very things we've spent so much time teaching against--hurting others; hurting us. How do we find the balance? How do we justifiably react to what is wrong without giving in to an anger that only damages.
Dr. S. M. Davis, pastor and consultant on family issues, calls parental anger the Number 1 destroyer of Godly families. If he's right, we must find a better way. Three keys for dealing with anger can show us that better way. The keys can be summed up in the phrase coined by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting, "Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing."
Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we're angry--there's a reason. God gives people emotions as tools for sensing the deeper layers of life going on around us. When we feel angry, that's the signal that something needs to be addressed.
Scripture teaches that we must first examine our own life. Matthew 7:3-5 Is the issue that needs addressing coming from within? When we try to parent on minimal sleep and no breakfast, we can find ourselves blowing up over relatively minor infractions. Between staying up all night with sick children, encouraging our spouses through job stresses and managing a household--frustrations can mount. Our anger over child's behavior may have less to do with child and more with our need for a nap. Even further, when we are stressed by relationship issues, job issues, or financial issues--our nerves wear to a frazzle making it easy to snap at our children. When we pause to examine whether the issues our anger signals lie within us, we find ways to deal with the issues without snapping at the children.
Once we've examined our own lives, we are then in a position to examine our child's. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we become angry that our child won't concentrate on his work or keeps hitting his sister or back-talks when we give instructions--the anger is right. God has given our child a job of school. When child refuses to settle down and work, he is rebelling against God. When he hits his sister, he's rebelling against God's command to love others sacrificially. When he responds poorly to you, he's rebelling against the authority God has placed in his life. Our frustration with these behaviors rightly points us to heart issues that must be addressed.
Anger is a terrible tool for fixing what is wrong. James 1:2 says, "Man's anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires." Our anger won't bring about righteousness in our children. This is the source of our confusion. We are rightly angry, but that anger can't bring about righteousness. So, when we act in anger, we fail to follow God's direction in dealing with the situation which means we are now as in the wrong as our child. Hence the guilt. Hence the havoc wreaked when we blow up.
Instead, we need to allow the anger to signal when a situation needs addressing. Then, we need to address by getting on our knees and asking God for guidance in dealing with our child's heart. James 4 tells us that if we seek getting our way, we will have quarrels and fights. But, if we seek God's wisdom, He will give it.
Sometimes He gives the wisdom right away. We know that the hitting shows a lack of love for sister that violates God's command to love. We can take son aside and say, "Son, what in your heart is causing you to hit your sister?" As he shares his frustration that she keeps taking his pencils or does better than him at his math, you can offer, "I'm sure that is frustrating. She isn't treating you well. But, how does God want us to treat those who are hurting us?" Then comes the very concrete lessons of loving those who hurt us, finding Godly ways to share frustration rather than giving in to sin, or taking the time to see from another's perspective--the real discipleship of home schooling lived out in the scenes of our life, daily.
The key is refusing to use anger to resolve the situation but instead using God's word. If you need help knowing where to find His direction for a specific situation, I love Kara Durbin's Parenting with Scripture. She categorizes scripture based on heart attitude. Incredibly helpful resource.
Focus on the hearts. When we develop the habit of letting our anger inform us of situations that need our attention but deal with those out of God's word bathed in our patience, gentleness, firmness, and love--we stop blowing up. The pattern moves from us living a guilt-ridden roller coaster of costly interactions with our children to a pattern of God's word shaping our relationships. Our focus moves from the outer behavior to the heart.
Our children's behavior gives a clear mirror of the activity of their hearts. So does ours. When we focus on the hearts--ours and our child's--we open our hearts to seek God's reign in everything. We let His word shape and mold us. We become the people of God we long to be.
As parents--we get angry. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing. As we use our anger to take note of issues we need to address but God's word as the tool, we take our families from damaged to healthy.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
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