Showing posts with label discipleship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label discipleship. Show all posts
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
This month’s topic: What do you think?
Why do we call our child back to wipe the crumbs from the counter after they finished cleaning the kitchen? Why do we insist they go back outside and return the lids to the trashcans? Why do we ask them to change the dog's water--not just fill the bowl to the top?
When we ask our children to do the whole job, we teach them to work with all their heart at everything. Sometimes it's tempting to settle for a half-hearted effort from our children. We can tell ourselves, "At least they put the food in the fridge and the dishes in the dish washer. I guess I should be happy with that." But, letting our children get by with the minimum builds into them a habit of doing as little as possible. That's not God's standard.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Obey a direct instruction.
- Show respect to others.
- Don't lie.
These get enforced whether we are at home, at Grandma's, or in the grocery. The rest of life is treated as the situation warrants, but for these--life stops if the boundary is breached. Life remains on pause until the breach is rectified.
Further, everyone must follow these--parents included. In our home we've determined yelling shows disrespect, so everyone must find a calm, respectful manner of expressing our hurt or anger. We don't punish our children for yelling in anger but then yell ourselves. As we consistently enforce family rules no matter the situation or person involved, these principles shape the character of our family.
Consistency is counterproductive for consequences. When parents use the same consequences to deal with misbehavior time after time, the consequences begin to lose their effectiveness as a corrective. Familiarity makes the consequence something to endure rather than something that motivates a change in behavior. Children fall into a mindset of, "All I have to do is survive 10 minutes in time-out or 5 minutes of Mom yelling, then I can get back to my thing."
Parents make more impact if they have a variety of consequences to draw upon for correcting violations of the rules. This makes disciplining in public, between children of different personality types, and for differing levels of offense easier. When we trot out the same old punishment for every offence, we get stuck. If we know we can't use our one consequence here and now, we get stuck in letting child get away with disobedience. If we know our one consequence isn't impacting a particular child--we likewise get stuck in failure to draw them from actions that lead to bad character and toward behaviors that lead to good character. When we draw from a variety of options such as isolating child for a time, real-life impacts, scolding, loss of privileges, or some other way of penalizing child for disobedience--we can match the consequence to the situation and the child.
Does consistency matter? Yes! We need to consistently affirm the principles that shape our family life. But, we parent better when we have variety in consequences. When we look for options that reach our child's heart with the truth that their disobedience hurts both them and others around them, we create a context for change. Different children are motivated differently. Keep the same rules for all--but vary the consequence.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
We know when our blow-ups are wrong. We know the damage they cause. We so often fear our own reactions because they seem to come from out of the blue--wreaking havoc, hurting those we love.
At the same time--at our core--we know we're right. Often, our anger is justified. Our children have done the very things we've spent so much time teaching against--hurting others; hurting us. How do we find the balance? How do we justifiably react to what is wrong without giving in to an anger that only damages.
Dr. S. M. Davis, pastor and consultant on family issues, calls parental anger the Number 1 destroyer of Godly families. If he's right, we must find a better way. Three keys for dealing with anger can show us that better way. The keys can be summed up in the phrase coined by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting, "Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing."
Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we're angry--there's a reason. God gives people emotions as tools for sensing the deeper layers of life going on around us. When we feel angry, that's the signal that something needs to be addressed.
Scripture teaches that we must first examine our own life. Matthew 7:3-5 Is the issue that needs addressing coming from within? When we try to parent on minimal sleep and no breakfast, we can find ourselves blowing up over relatively minor infractions. Between staying up all night with sick children, encouraging our spouses through job stresses and managing a household--frustrations can mount. Our anger over child's behavior may have less to do with child and more with our need for a nap. Even further, when we are stressed by relationship issues, job issues, or financial issues--our nerves wear to a frazzle making it easy to snap at our children. When we pause to examine whether the issues our anger signals lie within us, we find ways to deal with the issues without snapping at the children.
Once we've examined our own lives, we are then in a position to examine our child's. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we become angry that our child won't concentrate on his work or keeps hitting his sister or back-talks when we give instructions--the anger is right. God has given our child a job of school. When child refuses to settle down and work, he is rebelling against God. When he hits his sister, he's rebelling against God's command to love others sacrificially. When he responds poorly to you, he's rebelling against the authority God has placed in his life. Our frustration with these behaviors rightly points us to heart issues that must be addressed.
Anger is a terrible tool for fixing what is wrong. James 1:2 says, "Man's anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires." Our anger won't bring about righteousness in our children. This is the source of our confusion. We are rightly angry, but that anger can't bring about righteousness. So, when we act in anger, we fail to follow God's direction in dealing with the situation which means we are now as in the wrong as our child. Hence the guilt. Hence the havoc wreaked when we blow up.
Instead, we need to allow the anger to signal when a situation needs addressing. Then, we need to address by getting on our knees and asking God for guidance in dealing with our child's heart. James 4 tells us that if we seek getting our way, we will have quarrels and fights. But, if we seek God's wisdom, He will give it.
Sometimes He gives the wisdom right away. We know that the hitting shows a lack of love for sister that violates God's command to love. We can take son aside and say, "Son, what in your heart is causing you to hit your sister?" As he shares his frustration that she keeps taking his pencils or does better than him at his math, you can offer, "I'm sure that is frustrating. She isn't treating you well. But, how does God want us to treat those who are hurting us?" Then comes the very concrete lessons of loving those who hurt us, finding Godly ways to share frustration rather than giving in to sin, or taking the time to see from another's perspective--the real discipleship of home schooling lived out in the scenes of our life, daily.
The key is refusing to use anger to resolve the situation but instead using God's word. If you need help knowing where to find His direction for a specific situation, I love Kara Durbin's Parenting with Scripture. She categorizes scripture based on heart attitude. Incredibly helpful resource.
Focus on the hearts. When we develop the habit of letting our anger inform us of situations that need our attention but deal with those out of God's word bathed in our patience, gentleness, firmness, and love--we stop blowing up. The pattern moves from us living a guilt-ridden roller coaster of costly interactions with our children to a pattern of God's word shaping our relationships. Our focus moves from the outer behavior to the heart.
Our children's behavior gives a clear mirror of the activity of their hearts. So does ours. When we focus on the hearts--ours and our child's--we open our hearts to seek God's reign in everything. We let His word shape and mold us. We become the people of God we long to be.
As parents--we get angry. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing. As we use our anger to take note of issues we need to address but God's word as the tool, we take our families from damaged to healthy.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
This month’s topic: What are your thoughts?
The other night as I said to daughter, "I'm so proud of you," her face lit up, then fell. "What's the matter?" I asked.
"I'm not supposed to be proud," she answered. "I don't want God to be upset." We had read Proverbs 16:18 earlier that morning. As I used a word she had heard God didn't like, the intended encouragement fell flat.
What's the difference between pride that leads to destruction and feeling good about an accomplishment? As in most of life--the focus. Bad pride--pride that leads to destruction--is a focus on ourselves, an elevation of ourselves. When our children begin to find satisfaction within what they can do or use accomplishments to point others to themselves--that's the pride scripture warns against.
Alternatively, when our children recognize that God has done something amazing using the talents He placed within them and begin to find their satisfaction in God--that's "good" pride. More--when our children use their achievements to point others to God, that makes God smile.
Teaching our children to follow scripture can be so tricky. Words can be used so many different ways which can confuse young minds. We want to be able to tell our children when we are proud of them and what they are doing without them being afraid of disobeying God. When we help them create a right focus, we distinguish between real encouragement and a pride that causes destruction.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Routinely repeating yourself to get your children to listen?
- Scolding your children for talking over you?
- Yelling because children failed to do what you asked?
If you answered yes, you may have a "listening" problem. Most parents can relate. We talk--but it seems nobody listens.
We repeat. We search for ways to make our children pay attention. But, all too often we settle for simply being annoyed because we have bought into "it's just kids being kids." We need to take this listening thing more seriously. When our children develop a habit of listening carefully, they not only relate better to us--they are enabled to hold onto the truths of God.
"Therefore, consider carefully how you listen." Jesus offers this warning just after He explained the parables of the Sower and the Seed and the Lamp on a Stand to His confused disciples. Jesus cautions the disciples that listening is critical to receiving from God. Those who listen carefully, receive more. Those who fail to do so have anything they have received taken away.
Little habits have great impact. My children have sweet hearts, sunny dispositions, and generous spirits--all received from God. Because we have a large family with many eager voices, all too often I let slide the talking over one another. Because we have competing agendas and busy schedules, all too often I overlook the failure to heed my instructions. But, every time I do that, I normalize failing to listen carefully. I normalize instead the very trait Jesus warned could cost my children what they have already received.
I need to normalize listening carefully. I need to:
- Refuse to engage in a pattern of repeating myself.
- Consistently enforce the rule that when one person is speaking, others are silent. And, attentively listening.
- Train my children to heed an instruction given the first time rather than waiting for the repeat, or worse, the yell.
Most of all I need to take my children to God's Word and point them to how seriously Jesus takes attentive listening. I need to impress the importance of practicing this in our home so we are ready to carefully listen to God. Then, our children will not only keep their sweet hearts, sunny dispositions, and generous spirits--God will continue to pour Himself into them because, through choosing to listen carefully to Him, they make Him the priority in their lives.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
Our
family recently finished a book on the Lewis and Clark expedition. We were
amazed by the level of both hardship and beauty they encountered. I was
particularly convicted by the chapters describing the party's journey
negotiating a narrow ledge through the Rockies for several weeks--experiencing
bitter temperatures, slippery snow, and lack of food most of the way. As each
day's description unfolded, I kept
wondering, "How did they make it? Why didn't they just give
up?"
I suffer from a common malady. I too often assume that, if someone is on the right course, it should unfold before them. Obstacles should clear; blessings fall. History teaches that it so often doesn't work that way. The soldiers at Valley Forge, Christians who hid Jews in Europe, missionaries who took the gospel to foreign lands--all too often these faced overwhelming circumstances and I'm sure questioned, "Why not just give up?" But, they didn't. And their efforts achieved greatness--in spite of, or perhaps because of, the hardship.
I want my children to learn these lessons of history. Hardship doesn't mean you're on the wrong path or made the wrong choice. Sometimes hardship is a key element of the right choice. Rather than allowing my children to buy into the cultural attitude that life will simply fall into place, I want to train my children to make good choices, courageous choices, then be prepared for the hardships that might come.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- When children are being children. Children haven't yet lived the range of experiences you have. They don't know how to negotiate social situations or accurately assess choices. We don't punish when they act out of childish ignorance.
- We don't punish because a child's act inconvenienced, embarrassed, or put us in an uncomfortable spot. Just because child asks a question we can't answer, we don't punish. Just because child repeated a remark we made that we now regret, we don't punish. Just because child's plan for learning drums means the pots aren't on hand, we don't punish. We might have a discussion about a better choice. We explain what we would like to see instead. But, we don't punish. They didn't disobey--they merely acted in a way we didn't anticipate and don't know how to handle. We figure out how to handle rather than wreaking vengeance.
- We don't punish because we're tired, overwhelmed, or stressed. Too often, especially in homes where both parents work, both parents are strained to the limit. The best energy, attention, and emotion get expended for the person writing the pay check. We have only dregs to offer our family. When children demand more than this simply by needing our time or attention, we often snap. And punish. This is wrong. Our children deserve our best time, energy, emotion--not the leftovers. Parents must reserve their best for their family to avoid acting out of stress or tiredness. Don't let work become the excuse for being either a lazy parent or a wrongly punishing parent.
When to punish: Punishment should be given only when a child knows what he should do and refuses to do so. Punishment should be only a tool in the larger picture of guiding our children to live in unity with God--His love, His holiness, His righteousness. We focus on our child's heart--is her heart right with God. If not, we may need to educate. We may need to pray. We may need to punish an ongoing pattern of doing what she knows she shouldn't.
Our family has found that we boil punishment situations down to three:
- Punish when a child lies. Every time.
- Punish when a child fails to show respect--in attitude, voice, or action.
- Punish when a child disobeys a direct command or a standing rule.
That's it. That doesn't mean everything else goes. It just means we deal with other situations in different ways. With education. With prayer. With conversation about cause and effect.
When parents know when, and when not, to punish--we are freed to engage fully with our children. We are focused on which issues are their behavior and which are our own behavior. We are freed to delight in a daughter confiscating ordinary pots to create her own beautiful music.
This month’s topic: What guides you in punishing your child?
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