Showing posts with label building family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label building family. Show all posts
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Let children choose a project to complete over the summer. Figuring the square footage for their own garden plot or tree house puts learning the math skills into a concrete situation that benefits them. The incentive to get the answer right grows exponentially when it's their creation on the line.
- While you're at it, let them figure the budget for the project. They develop more math skills plus an appreciation of how to make difficult choices to stay within available funds.
- Make trips to the grocery, the pool, or the vacation a time for them to figure the price. Children are for more interested in adding how many snacks they can get for their allotment than working an imaginary story problem.
- Play games. Nearly every board game builds some type of math skill. Kids learn while having fun. They love it even more when parents join the game.
Reading--
- Choose a great book to read aloud as a family. Children of all ages love hearing a story come to life. Following the story as you read builds both a love of reading and listening skills. What parent doesn't need that?
- Hand the map for the vacation trip to your child and have them plot the route. Builds both math and technical reading skills. The same works for the plans for the tree house or the recipe for dinner.
- Set an hour a day as reading time for all ages. Even three-year-olds can look at a picture book during their rest time. This builds the habit of reading into the family culture. It also gives parents a quiet break in the day. Need ideas for books? Consider Honey for a Child's Heart. Gladys Hunt creates age-appropriate lists of the best books available.
Hands-on--
- If you haven't discovered 4-H--attend your county's local fair and take in the projects. You don't need farm animals to participate. Projects are available in nearly every interest--rockets, photography, cake decorating, gift wrap, genealogy, electricity, bicycle maintenance--you name it. Take your children to see the exhibits and choose their project. You can still stop by the 4-H office to get the manuals and complete a project even this summer. While children won't be part of the fair--working through the projects offers an opportunity to learn a myriad of new skills in your child's area of interest.
- Go to state park, nature center, or library programs. These bring learning to life in a fun way.
When kids engage in activities--they learn. Take the opportunity to turn everyday life into exploration--and your children will go back to school on track and loving learning.
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
This month’s topic: What do you think?
"Happiness is the state of human flourishing. Human flourishing is reached by means of a virtuous life." Socrates
"I tried to get my son try that, but he didn't think it would be fun," quote from friend rejecting advice on how to engage her sullen son. Her desire? For her son to flourish. Her method? Create more fun for him. Yet, though she ran herself ragged to get him to every activity he desired--he continued to withdraw, to be more demanding, to be sullen. What gives?
While I'm a big fan of fun and think it should be an element of healthy family life, when did fun become the litmus test for life choices?
The message is everywhere. Our youth group leaders urge us to sign children up because "they'll have a blast!" Tutoring programs promise "children will learn and have fun doing it." Even teachers in classrooms introduce new subjects with the phrase, "We are going to have so much fun!" Our culture inundates us with the message that fun is the paramount consideration for how to engage our children--how to make them flourish. We've been duped. Most of human history knew better. They knew that the true path to flourishing was virtue.
Our language frames our children's thinking. When our language focuses on terms such as "fun" or "enjoy," we train our children to consider these to be the highest priorities for their lives. And when our children seek only their own pleasure, they grow self-centered, dissatisfied, and sullen. The farthest state from flourishing you can attain. We need to refocus on setting virtue as the path to flourishing. It begins with how we recommend life activities to our children--words that focus on building character rather than having fun.
I'll admit that my own language has become so infused with terms like "enjoy" and "this is will fun" that it's hard for me to find expressions for focusing on virtue that don't sound contrived or hokey. But, I'm trying--because I want my children to consider virtue as their path to flourishing. To happiness.
As I choose curriculum for our home school, I'm focusing more on recommending it to my children with phrases such as "This has some really great meat for our minds" or "I think this will help hone the passion God has given you with real skills." As I consider children's extra activities, I ask them, "This sounds really fun. How will it also build God's fruit in your life?" As they leave to go with friends, I no longer simply say, "Have a great time." I say, "Have a great time and be God's blessing." I have to admit the latter sounds forced even to me--but I'm trying to impart a virtuous focus even in my good-byes.
Our culture believes fun is the path to happiness. It's no surprise that focus has permeated our parenting--we want our children to be happy. Yet, Socrates advises--if we really want happiness for our children, focus on virtue. As we intentionally express this focus, we teach our children that--if they pursue virtue, they will be happy.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
I wonder how often God asks that question about me.
Sometimes, in the middle of folding laundry or correcting a math assignment, I look across the room to find my husband deep in thought. As I watch him sitting alone, I begin to reflect, "When was the last time I made time just for him?" Going deeper I ask, "Have I had enough in-depth conversations to know what he's pondering right now? Do I even know if he's troubled or if something is bringing him joy?"
Too often I get too busy to focus on my husband. I focus instead on my half of the load and let him focus on his. With a house full of children it's so easy to say, "He's the other adult--he is on his own."
But, God says, "He's not supposed to be on his own. He gets lonely on his own. When I created him, I said that loneliness wasn't good, so I made you." I know I was created, first and foremost, to be my husband's companion. Though God has certainly added other roles, the very reason for my being is to ease the innate, created loneliness of my husband. Genesis 2. I also know how deeply God loves my husband. I'm sure there are times God looks at my husband single-handedly shouldering his burdens and asks, "Why can't she just do her job?!"
I know how to make this happen. When he gets home, I can instruct the children not to interrupt unless there is gushing blood, take him to our room, and spend the first 20 minutes of his time home focusing all my attention on catching up on his day. I can plan an evening away--or at least an evening walk--to get the two of us out of the house, together, and focused on each other. I can stop folding laundry and go sit with him. I can simply determine to do the job I was created to do--then trust God will show me how to get the rest done, too.
Everything is made for a purpose. If my frustration boils over the stopper's failure to keep water in a sink, how frustrated must God get when I fail to help and encourage the husband He gave to me. I need to remember my own plea, "Please, just do the job you were made to do."
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Conversation--Something about the slow, steady work of tilling soil or weeding plants makes room for unstructured conversation. Without the distractions of household noise, what begins as a discussion of where to put the seeds flows into noticing the shapes in the clouds, the call of the birds, and then whatever else is on our child's mind. Parents have so much pulling at us--we can so easily be unavailable to our children for far more time than we realize. Between the computer, dinner, and bills we put our children off to take care of the details of life. Gardening buffers out aspects that interrupt and allows for conversation while working--a great recipe for connection.
- Exploration--I love rediscovering the world through my child's eyes. Gardening opens aspects of the world to discovery. The worms and bugs living in the soil that aid our labors, the wonder of a tiny seed becoming dinner in a few weeks--a myriad of discoveries await in our backyards to be shared. When children ask questions about how the process works, we either share what we know or grab a book and discover together--great memories.
- Work ethic--God designed children to learn from their parents while working beside them. Deuteronomy 6:6-7. Children inherently love being with their parents, learning from them, and participating with them. We've lost a lot of that dynamic in our current culture. More, children have lost the opportunities to engage in productive work. By institutionalizing an extended play culture for children, we've separated children from real work. Our children often can't see themselves as able to engage in meaningful activity which produces positive results for others. Gardening counteracts this. It tests physical as well as intellectual skills. It creates problem solving moments such as how to keep the deer or chickens away from the baby plants. Further, when the team brings that harvest of tomatoes or bouquet of flowers to the table, they share in the knowledge that together with you--they have done something meaningful.
Tips for succeeding:
- Start small--If you haven't gardened before, take it slow. A few plants in a small plot may be the perfect introduction. Giving children their own garden offers a sense of connection and ownership that engages and excited them. Till some soil around a tree for wildflowers or create a small plot for her favorite vegetable. If it goes well, take the excitement from this year's success to expand next year.
- Let your child pick--Build your child's enthusiasm by letting him make a few choices. Let him check options in the seed catalogue or head to a store to let your child choose the plants they want to tend. Ownership leads to longer commitment.
- Celebrate victories--Make a feast featuring the first fruits from the garden or decorate the house with the blooms from the flowers. As you bring the successes into your home, you communicate their efforts have tangible value which both increases the connection between you and affirms a work ethic in them.
Spring is here. Enjoy the outdoors together through gardening and by fall you'll harvest a richer relationship with your children.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
Why do we call our child back to wipe the crumbs from the counter after they finished cleaning the kitchen? Why do we insist they go back outside and return the lids to the trashcans? Why do we ask them to change the dog's water--not just fill the bowl to the top?
When we ask our children to do the whole job, we teach them to work with all their heart at everything. Sometimes it's tempting to settle for a half-hearted effort from our children. We can tell ourselves, "At least they put the food in the fridge and the dishes in the dish washer. I guess I should be happy with that." But, letting our children get by with the minimum builds into them a habit of doing as little as possible. That's not God's standard.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Getting close gets attention. We live in a world where people receive more than 800 messages a day. From tweets to billboards to Facebook to texts to school lectures, our children are inundated with people talking at them. With so much going on, people default to tuning out unless something grabs their attention. It's a sheer defense mechanism against the onslaught of communication. When Mom or Dad walks up to their child or calls child to come to them, this signals, "It's time to tune in and listen to me."
- Getting close implies importance. When a parent takes the time and energy to walk to a child and ask for their child's attention, child perks up. She realizes Mom or Dad must truly care about what they are going to say. This prepares our child to listen.
- Getting close helps parents read their children. We gain insight as to whether this is a good time to give the instruction, whether our child understands, and whether our child respectfully responds to us. We go beyond simply barking out orders to engaging in a relationship with our child.
No parents likes to continually feel as if what he or she says bounces off our child into oblivion. We want to be heard. Getting close helps. As we get physically close, we connect with our child. That leads to more cooperation on the tasks. . .and to more emotional closeness as well.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Words of affirmation--does he light up when payed a compliment or receives a note? Be sure to spend extra time picking the card or write a love letter describing what you treasure about him to include in his candy box.
- Gifts--does she save every tiny shell given on the beach or still have the locket from her 7th birthday? Taking the time to find a special gift will matter most to this person. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just a gift showing you know her tastes and current interests.
- Time--does he savor walks together or time on the couch just talking? Create a few coupons for special dates together. Put these on the calendar so he knows you intend to follow through.
- Physical touch--does she crave a back rub or holding hands? Again-coupons work well. This time prepare coupons for a massage or cuddle time and let her choose her time.
- Acts of service--if he remembers for weeks the filled gas tank or she the folded laundry, spend the days before and after Valentine's Day intentionally doing jobs that make your loved one's life easier. When they notice, give a kiss and say, "I hope that helps you know how special you are."
While the ones you love may enjoy all the above--be sure to include the expression of love that speaks most loudly to them. Then, you connect with the ones you love--and avoid the shrink's couch.
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
- Obey a direct instruction.
- Show respect to others.
- Don't lie.
These get enforced whether we are at home, at Grandma's, or in the grocery. The rest of life is treated as the situation warrants, but for these--life stops if the boundary is breached. Life remains on pause until the breach is rectified.
Further, everyone must follow these--parents included. In our home we've determined yelling shows disrespect, so everyone must find a calm, respectful manner of expressing our hurt or anger. We don't punish our children for yelling in anger but then yell ourselves. As we consistently enforce family rules no matter the situation or person involved, these principles shape the character of our family.
Consistency is counterproductive for consequences. When parents use the same consequences to deal with misbehavior time after time, the consequences begin to lose their effectiveness as a corrective. Familiarity makes the consequence something to endure rather than something that motivates a change in behavior. Children fall into a mindset of, "All I have to do is survive 10 minutes in time-out or 5 minutes of Mom yelling, then I can get back to my thing."
Parents make more impact if they have a variety of consequences to draw upon for correcting violations of the rules. This makes disciplining in public, between children of different personality types, and for differing levels of offense easier. When we trot out the same old punishment for every offence, we get stuck. If we know we can't use our one consequence here and now, we get stuck in letting child get away with disobedience. If we know our one consequence isn't impacting a particular child--we likewise get stuck in failure to draw them from actions that lead to bad character and toward behaviors that lead to good character. When we draw from a variety of options such as isolating child for a time, real-life impacts, scolding, loss of privileges, or some other way of penalizing child for disobedience--we can match the consequence to the situation and the child.
Does consistency matter? Yes! We need to consistently affirm the principles that shape our family life. But, we parent better when we have variety in consequences. When we look for options that reach our child's heart with the truth that their disobedience hurts both them and others around them, we create a context for change. Different children are motivated differently. Keep the same rules for all--but vary the consequence.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Keep your word. Don't make promises you can't (or don't intend) to keep. If you promise child to make it to their football game or a cuddle on the couch after they clean their room, don't let a work deadline or phone call cause you to miss this time. Don't offer bribes to induce good behavior, then renege. Don't forget little promises because children remember. While seeming minor at the time, a pattern of putting off what you told children you would do destroys trust. Keeping your word even when, and perhaps especially when, it's something minor builds trust.
- Live by the standards you impose. Double standards destroy trust. When parents yell in anger but punish children for doing so, parents create piles of clutter but demand that children put stuff away, parents demand that children listen attentively but stare at their computer when child is speaking--these double standards destroy any illusion that the messenger is trustworthy. When parents follow the standards they impose--children learn parents can be trusted. Further, our struggle to follow these standards--that deep sigh as you stop yourself from yelling--instills greater trust. Our children see that following the rules costs us as much as it costs them.
- Be the same person at home as in public. When parents are kind, considerate, and helpful to others in public but selfish and grumpy at home--trust lost. When parents go out of their way to treat family as well as (or even better than) those outside the house, trust builds.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- that the reasonable and just outcome has occurred.
- that the needs of everyone in the situation have been met.
- that child has offered to sibling or playmate the treatment child would desire.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
Yet, as special as those events can be--all too often they can lead to meltdowns. Tantrums, crying spells, extra fighting--and that's just the parents. What can we do to keep the "special" in special events?
Children (and parents) misbehave most often when they are tired, hungry, or out of their routine. The key to preserving the joy of family events is to think ahead for each of these.
Aim to keep family members rested. Whether the family attends a special concert or a neighborhood party, special events tend to go past bedtimes. With darkness descending ever earlier--the toll is even greater. When parents know that evening's activities will likely keep children up too late, including a rest in the daily schedule may be the key to preserving the evening fun.
For younger children--even those who have stopped napping, an hour in bed reading can keeps the energy going when special events run late. For older children, figure out what rejuvenates them and include in the family routine. Some need time to take a run or walk, others need quiet moments in their room, while others simply need a conversation with Mom or a friend to be ready to take on the world. As you intentionally make these part of the day, you build the energy to help them cope with the drains of the season.
Aim to prevent hunger. Special events often center on food--but the timing can be very different than your home meal schedule. A package of cheese crackers or baggie of almonds can make all the difference. When children, or spouse, starts getting grumpy because their stomach is growling and the host won't serve food for another hour--pull out the reserve snacks and head off melt-downs.
Aim to preserve routine. The thing about special events? They're . . .special. Out of the ordinary. Out of the routine. Children thrive on routine. Routine offers security, predictability, and signals for how to act. Deprived of these--children can feel like they are in a metaphorical free-fall. Not the best feeling for inducing good behavior.
We can help by offering the benefits of routine--even when routine is missing. Before going into Grandma's for the family party or the concert hall, remind children of behavioral expectations: use manners, give adults the seats and sit on the floor, listen to others, etc. If children only see family members at Christmas, offer reminders as to who they will see and how they are connected. You might also offer interesting details that allow your children to connect. Let children know how long you will be there and what to expect during the event.
Just as important--keep your December calendar in front of you at all times. When a friend calls to invite you for a neighborhood gathering, check the calendar. Don't just look to see if you are booked. Look to see how many other nights are booked. Preserve nights to be home and rest. You can even take the time to block out nights at the beginning of the month to ensure time at home.
Tis the season to enjoy family, friends, and special events. By remembering the triggers for misbehavior and preparing ahead, we can help keep the "special" in special events. We trade tears and tantrums for wonderful family memories.
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure the days with your children?
“Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. . . “ Psalm 100:4
Thanksgiving may be the best holiday of the year. No gifts to buy, no pressure to create a certain experience, no special plays or musicals—simply a day to gather together and give thanks. More—we can use the season to teach our children the fundamentals of entering God’s presence.
The Psalmist wrote, “Enter His gates with thanksgiving.” We come into God’s presence as we give thanks. Gratitude, contentment, and thankfulness are the hallmarks of a child of God. Instilling this trait in our children not only makes them much more pleasant people with whom to live, it forms their character to seek and see God.
How can Thanksgiving season help us focus on this trait?
- Read: Find great books about the Pilgrims and take this month to read together. For example Down Ryton Water by E.R. Gaggin and Drew Thurston tells the full story of the journey from England to Holland to Plymouth. A little tough in the language, its detail brings the struggle and the spirit of the people to life. Contentment breeds contentment. As we read of the Pilgrims’ ability to be thankful in the midst of so much hardship, our own gratitude grows.
- Record: Find a way to daily give thanks throughout the month. One of our favorite family traditions is to cut “leaves” out of different colors of construction paper. Each night at dinner each member of the family writes (or someone writes for them) the thing they are thankful for from the day. We then tape them to the windows. Over the month our home is filled with fall color. On Thanksgiving—we read each leaf. Sure, it takes some time—but the time it takes reinforces how very much God has blessed us in both big and small ways. Other families have a thankfulness journal. Still others simply pray their gratitude out loud each night. Find a way to record your blessings, and your heart toward God will grow.
- Reach out: God blesses us so that we share those blessings with others. When we intentionally create times for our family to serve others, we enlarge both our capacity to give thanks and our compassion for God’s world. Serve at a food bank, deliver meals to shut-ins, reach out to the lonely and elderly in your church. Using a season that focuses on blessings to bless others marks us as God’s children.
Other holidays have had their Christian message greatly diluted by secularism. Thanksgiving remains untainted. We enter God’s gates as we give thanks. May this be a month where your family grows in gratitude and in the experience of coming into God’s presence.
This month’s topic: How do you develop thankfulness?
This month’s topic: What do you think? What are your current favorites?
We know when our blow-ups are wrong. We know the damage they cause. We so often fear our own reactions because they seem to come from out of the blue--wreaking havoc, hurting those we love.
At the same time--at our core--we know we're right. Often, our anger is justified. Our children have done the very things we've spent so much time teaching against--hurting others; hurting us. How do we find the balance? How do we justifiably react to what is wrong without giving in to an anger that only damages.
Dr. S. M. Davis, pastor and consultant on family issues, calls parental anger the Number 1 destroyer of Godly families. If he's right, we must find a better way. Three keys for dealing with anger can show us that better way. The keys can be summed up in the phrase coined by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting, "Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing."
Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we're angry--there's a reason. God gives people emotions as tools for sensing the deeper layers of life going on around us. When we feel angry, that's the signal that something needs to be addressed.
Scripture teaches that we must first examine our own life. Matthew 7:3-5 Is the issue that needs addressing coming from within? When we try to parent on minimal sleep and no breakfast, we can find ourselves blowing up over relatively minor infractions. Between staying up all night with sick children, encouraging our spouses through job stresses and managing a household--frustrations can mount. Our anger over child's behavior may have less to do with child and more with our need for a nap. Even further, when we are stressed by relationship issues, job issues, or financial issues--our nerves wear to a frazzle making it easy to snap at our children. When we pause to examine whether the issues our anger signals lie within us, we find ways to deal with the issues without snapping at the children.
Once we've examined our own lives, we are then in a position to examine our child's. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we become angry that our child won't concentrate on his work or keeps hitting his sister or back-talks when we give instructions--the anger is right. God has given our child a job of school. When child refuses to settle down and work, he is rebelling against God. When he hits his sister, he's rebelling against God's command to love others sacrificially. When he responds poorly to you, he's rebelling against the authority God has placed in his life. Our frustration with these behaviors rightly points us to heart issues that must be addressed.
Anger is a terrible tool for fixing what is wrong. James 1:2 says, "Man's anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires." Our anger won't bring about righteousness in our children. This is the source of our confusion. We are rightly angry, but that anger can't bring about righteousness. So, when we act in anger, we fail to follow God's direction in dealing with the situation which means we are now as in the wrong as our child. Hence the guilt. Hence the havoc wreaked when we blow up.
Instead, we need to allow the anger to signal when a situation needs addressing. Then, we need to address by getting on our knees and asking God for guidance in dealing with our child's heart. James 4 tells us that if we seek getting our way, we will have quarrels and fights. But, if we seek God's wisdom, He will give it.
Sometimes He gives the wisdom right away. We know that the hitting shows a lack of love for sister that violates God's command to love. We can take son aside and say, "Son, what in your heart is causing you to hit your sister?" As he shares his frustration that she keeps taking his pencils or does better than him at his math, you can offer, "I'm sure that is frustrating. She isn't treating you well. But, how does God want us to treat those who are hurting us?" Then comes the very concrete lessons of loving those who hurt us, finding Godly ways to share frustration rather than giving in to sin, or taking the time to see from another's perspective--the real discipleship of home schooling lived out in the scenes of our life, daily.
The key is refusing to use anger to resolve the situation but instead using God's word. If you need help knowing where to find His direction for a specific situation, I love Kara Durbin's Parenting with Scripture. She categorizes scripture based on heart attitude. Incredibly helpful resource.
Focus on the hearts. When we develop the habit of letting our anger inform us of situations that need our attention but deal with those out of God's word bathed in our patience, gentleness, firmness, and love--we stop blowing up. The pattern moves from us living a guilt-ridden roller coaster of costly interactions with our children to a pattern of God's word shaping our relationships. Our focus moves from the outer behavior to the heart.
Our children's behavior gives a clear mirror of the activity of their hearts. So does ours. When we focus on the hearts--ours and our child's--we open our hearts to seek God's reign in everything. We let His word shape and mold us. We become the people of God we long to be.
As parents--we get angry. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing. As we use our anger to take note of issues we need to address but God's word as the tool, we take our families from damaged to healthy.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
This month’s topic: What are your thoughts?
The other night as I said to daughter, "I'm so proud of you," her face lit up, then fell. "What's the matter?" I asked.
"I'm not supposed to be proud," she answered. "I don't want God to be upset." We had read Proverbs 16:18 earlier that morning. As I used a word she had heard God didn't like, the intended encouragement fell flat.
What's the difference between pride that leads to destruction and feeling good about an accomplishment? As in most of life--the focus. Bad pride--pride that leads to destruction--is a focus on ourselves, an elevation of ourselves. When our children begin to find satisfaction within what they can do or use accomplishments to point others to themselves--that's the pride scripture warns against.
Alternatively, when our children recognize that God has done something amazing using the talents He placed within them and begin to find their satisfaction in God--that's "good" pride. More--when our children use their achievements to point others to God, that makes God smile.
Teaching our children to follow scripture can be so tricky. Words can be used so many different ways which can confuse young minds. We want to be able to tell our children when we are proud of them and what they are doing without them being afraid of disobeying God. When we help them create a right focus, we distinguish between real encouragement and a pride that causes destruction.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
This month’s topic: What do you think?
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