Yet, as special as those events can be--all too often they can lead to meltdowns. Tantrums, crying spells, extra fighting--and that's just the parents. What can we do to keep the "special" in special events?
Children (and parents) misbehave most often when they are tired, hungry, or out of their routine. The key to preserving the joy of family events is to think ahead for each of these.
Aim to keep family members rested. Whether the family attends a special concert or a neighborhood party, special events tend to go past bedtimes. With darkness descending ever earlier--the toll is even greater. When parents know that evening's activities will likely keep children up too late, including a rest in the daily schedule may be the key to preserving the evening fun.
For younger children--even those who have stopped napping, an hour in bed reading can keeps the energy going when special events run late. For older children, figure out what rejuvenates them and include in the family routine. Some need time to take a run or walk, others need quiet moments in their room, while others simply need a conversation with Mom or a friend to be ready to take on the world. As you intentionally make these part of the day, you build the energy to help them cope with the drains of the season.
Aim to prevent hunger. Special events often center on food--but the timing can be very different than your home meal schedule. A package of cheese crackers or baggie of almonds can make all the difference. When children, or spouse, starts getting grumpy because their stomach is growling and the host won't serve food for another hour--pull out the reserve snacks and head off melt-downs.
Aim to preserve routine. The thing about special events? They're . . .special. Out of the ordinary. Out of the routine. Children thrive on routine. Routine offers security, predictability, and signals for how to act. Deprived of these--children can feel like they are in a metaphorical free-fall. Not the best feeling for inducing good behavior.
We can help by offering the benefits of routine--even when routine is missing. Before going into Grandma's for the family party or the concert hall, remind children of behavioral expectations: use manners, give adults the seats and sit on the floor, listen to others, etc. If children only see family members at Christmas, offer reminders as to who they will see and how they are connected. You might also offer interesting details that allow your children to connect. Let children know how long you will be there and what to expect during the event.
Just as important--keep your December calendar in front of you at all times. When a friend calls to invite you for a neighborhood gathering, check the calendar. Don't just look to see if you are booked. Look to see how many other nights are booked. Preserve nights to be home and rest. You can even take the time to block out nights at the beginning of the month to ensure time at home.
Tis the season to enjoy family, friends, and special events. By remembering the triggers for misbehavior and preparing ahead, we can help keep the "special" in special events. We trade tears and tantrums for wonderful family memories.
Lists make great tools. They keep us organized. They focus our thoughts. They save us from making seven trips instead of one. Even Santa needs a list this time of year to keep straight all he does.
Lists make terrible masters. I recently heard a mom recount her weekend lived by the list. Grandma was in town for a holiday visit, so Mom made a list of all the special Christmas activities she would pack into the weekend to share with Grandma. Early Saturday morning she prepared a special breakfast to get everyone started on a warm tummy before they headed out the door for a day of activity.
One hitch. Little son sits down to the table and murmurs, "Mommy, I don't feel good." Not feeling good was not on the list, so Mom lets him off the hook of cleaning his plate but pushes him to get dressed for a day of fun.
First stop--touring park filled with scenes of Christmas lights. He meanders his way through the park, finally taking little sister's place in the stroller because he just couldn't keep walking.
Intrepid Mom purchases a can of 7-Up and moves on to the next item on the list. Little guy bucks up to participate as best he can.
Mid-afternoon finds them at stop 5 of the list--Arthur Christmas. "This is going to be great!" Mom thinks. Little guy can rest and enjoy a movie. She buys special treats for all and heads into the theater.
"Mom, I REALLY don't feel good." As she turns to encourage him to keep going one more time, she notices the tell-tale green tinge. Before she can off-load treats onto Grandma and grab son, he off-loads breakfast all over theater entrance.
Lists make terrible masters.
Message--we make lists because we want to take care of our family. We want to remember all the details of each special present or activity for each member of our family so we can get everything just right. Great sentiment! Use the list to keep this going.
At the same time, don't get so lost in the list you lose the focus--caring for your family. Key to caring is listening, focusing, adjusting. When the list calls for a movie but the child needs to cuddle on a warm couch--cuddle.
The best gift you can give your family--at Christmas and the rest of the year--is your attention and focus. When lists help you do this, use them. When they get in the way, lose the list.
Oceanus Hopkins had a rough start. His parents, fleeing persecution, crowded onto a ship headed for a new land. Fighting seasickness, rotting food, and the effects of tight living-quarters, Oceanus’s mother gave birth aboard the Mayflower making him the 32nd child to join the 102 travelers seeking a new life in Virginia. When a storm blew the ship far north to uncharted territory on the coast of Massachusetts, few anticipated the trials they would face. Forty-seven would die in the "Starving Time" of the first year.
Some historians credit the ultimate survival of the colony to the number of children who went to the new world. Because children had a higher survival rate than the adults, they added longevity to the colony. Before traveling to the new world, the children worked a variety of difficult jobs making them hardy, hard-working, and able to significantly contribute to the daily needs of the colony. On arrival they gathered food, helped build shelter, and learned survival techniques from the Wampanoag tribe which came to their aid. Oceanus Hopkins was born into this adventure. His name was added to the list of children who joined with the adults to face the trials of the new world head-on and create a new life.
As we pause this Thanksgiving, I have to admit that I am extremely thankful that I live in a different time. I will put my children to bed in a warm house which ably protects them from the elements. Their stomachs will be filled with nutritious food. Should they become ill, our doctor will likely be able both to tell me what is wrong and treat them.
Pilgrim parents couldn’t offer their children any of this. Rudimentary shelters, hastily built in the raw November days, offered meager sanctuary from the cold. Scanty portions of food barely took the edge off continual hunger plaguing the colony that first, bitter winter. When their children grew ill, parents could only pray for their child to beat the odds of a nearly inevitable death. I feel so fortunate compared to the Pilgrim parents. Yet, I wonder, “Am I doing as well by my children as they did by theirs?”
Though the trials are very different, today’s families face the challenge of building a life in the unknown much as our Pilgrim forefathers did. With the rush of ever-changing technology, financial upheaval, and the focus on global interdependence and connection; families are forging a new life in uncharted territory. The Pilgrims prepared their children to take a significant role as allies in their struggle and to work with them to build a better life. Have we taught our children to actively contribute to building a good life in the midst of the unknown? Are they:
· Strong enough to face hardship?
· Skilled enough to overcome it?
- What is our family mission: What do we want to stand for as a family? What do we want to accomplish in the coming year?
- What resources do we have to fulfill this mission—what tools, what connections, what gifts/skills does each member have to contribute?
- What challenges will we have to overcome?
- What will be the blessing of succeeding? What will we lose if we fail?
In our intense gratitude for all the blessings our children enjoy, let us not substitute passive reception of blessing for active involvement in creating blessing. Instead of shielding our children, may we work with them to create a vision for the future in which they actively participate and toward which they significantly contribute. Oceanus and the other Pilgrim children worked alongside their parents to lay the foundation of our nation. This Thanksgiving offers our families the opportunity to explore how we will work together to meet the challenges of today and to build a heritage for which future generations will pause to give thanks.
Oceanus Hopkins had a rough start. His parents, fleeing persecution, crowded onto a ship with Pilgrims and others to head for a new land. Fighting seasickness, rotting food, and the effects of tight living-quarters, Oceanus’s mother gave birth aboard the Mayflower making him the 32nd child to join the 102 travelers going to Virginia to seek a new life. After a storm blew the ship off course, they landed in uncharted territory on the coast of Massachusetts. Though everyone knew life would be hard, few fully realized the trials they would face.
Some historians credit the ultimate survival of the colony to the number of children who went to the new world. Nearly half of those who sailed died that first winter, yet children had a higher survival rate than the adults. This added longevity to the colony. Hardy and hard-working—the children gathered food, helped build shelter, and learned survival techniques from the Wampanoag tribe which came to their aid. Oceanus Hopkins was born into this adventure, facing the trials of the new world head-on alongside the adults to create a new life.
This Thanksgiving, I have to admit that I am extremely thankful to live in a different time. I will put my children to bed in a warm shelter with their stomachs full of nutritious food. Should they become ill, our doctor will likely be able both to tell me what is wrong and provide treatment. Pilgrim parents could offer only rudimentary shelters and scant food. I feel so fortunate compared to them. Yet, I wonder, “Am I doing as well by my children as they did by theirs?”
Though the trials are very different, today’s families face the challenge of building a life in the unknown much as our Pilgrim forefathers did. Ever-changing technologies, financial upheaval, the inability of basic institutions to adequately serve their mission, and global interdependence force families to forge a new life in uncharted territory. Have we prepared our children as well as the Pilgrims prepared theirs?
Can our children work hard? The Pilgrim children weren’t assigned chores to simply fill a chart and earn a reward. Their efforts were critical to family survival. Whether firewood was handy or difficult, children must get it or freeze to death. Food was gathered—even if it took all day. Because our children’s efforts are more an act of training than integral to real accomplishment, it’s easy for us to let them off the hook when the going gets tough. Instead, we need to prepare our children to face difficulty, to persevere in the most difficult circumstances. Instead of letting them off the hook, we must find jobs that have real meaning and require our children to see them through to the end.
Can our children team with us? The Pilgrim children worked with their parents to establish their colony. They pooled skills, supported and encouraged each other, and sought together the new life they envisioned. Does your family work together toward goals? Do your children have the experience of combining their skills with yours to achieve a common vision? Some can work hard for personal benefit. Delaying gratification, persevering through hardship, and putting up with those less skilled all for the sake of achieving benefit for a larger group takes a a special kind of strength. Our children’s best preparation for this is teaming with us.
Can they learn from others? Have we taught our children to respect and listen to others so that they can learn from others? The Pilgrim children’s lives depended on their respect toward and willingness to listen to the Wampanoag—even when these tribal people were so different from anyone they had known. In this time of national interdependence time, our fates are intertwined with those of people around the globe. Do our children know how to respect and listen to those who are very different but have information to offer? We must instill a basic respect for others in our children so that they are able to build relationships with, gain from, and offer to these others in order to work together. Even in times of strong disagreement, this basic willingness to respect and listen can build alliances across differences that may mean our children’s very survival.
Do our children have a vision to carry them through the toughest times? Though there were many other travelers on the Mayflower, the Pilgrims came to this land dedicated to creating a land where God was worshipped biblically. They staked their very lives on this call. Their commitment to this vision enabled them to face and overcome hardship instead of giving in to despair. Do our children have a vision that will provide the focus and incentive to overcome any hardship they face?
Thanksgiving reminds us to be thankful of the privilege of living in this great country. As we pause to remember those who helped found our nation, may we also glean a few parenting strategies. May we ensure our children are strong enough to face hardship and skilled enough to overcome it. Instead of shielding them, may we work with them to create a vision for the future in which they actively participate and toward which they significantly contribute. In our intense gratitude for all those blessings our children enjoy, let us not substitute weakness for strength or passive reception of blessing for active involvement in creating blessing. Oceanus worked alongside his parents to lay the foundation of our nation. Perhaps, this Thanksgiving provides us the opportunity to explore with our children how we will work together to meet the challenges of today and build a heritage for which future generations will pause to give thanks.
This month’s topic: Which Pilgrim lesson do you wish your children to learn?
Resolve to look each other in the eye when conversing. Sure, you can listen to your child and update your Facebook, but does your 5-year-old know that? Or, does she feel she comes in second to everything else?
Eye contact is a basic sign of respect. When you take attention off other tasks and focus on the person talking, you tell them they are important and their message matters. Cultivate the habit of focusing full attention on the others in your home, and your relationships blossom.
Resolve to eat dinner together. By every measure, families who eat dinner together are healthier. Bonds are tighter; kids do better in school; kids are less prone to drug use, sexual promiscuity, or other dangerous patterns; and parents are more engaged.
Fortunately, it doesn’t matter whether you cook a 4-course meal or meet at a local eatery; the goal is to eat together. Sharing food leads to good stories, good laughter, and good conversation. Simply sitting down together creates time to share the day’s events, points of concern, and reasons for excitement. Reserving dinnertime as sacrosanct also communicates that being a family matters.
Resolve to kiss your spouse—a full on the mouth, movie close-up kiss—every time they arrive. It’s easy to take each other for granted—especially with children underfoot. This one habit ensures that your spouse looks forward to every arrival knowing they will get your full attention—for at least ten seconds. They are welcomed, greeted, and desired. That’s a great message to come home to. Even if you have to report an overflowing toilet or an unexpected bill in the next breath, the first ten seconds of home are bliss.
This also sends a great message to children. Healthy parents kindle the desire to be close. Children thrive when parents desire each other. Though they may compete for attention, your visible affection creates comfort and security.
Resolve to reserve one night per week for family fun. Whether you pull out board games, a ball mitt, or head to the car for a local adventure, set aside time for fun. You anticipated family being a place of connection and good memories, right? Go make some. Not only will you enjoy the outings; they’ll build bonds to get your family through the tough times.
Give each family member a turn picking the activity. The son who resists board games may be more enthusiastic if he gets to pick his favorite museum on his turn. You make time for individual pursuits. Resolve to make time to build family ties.
Resolve to read great books. Children’s identity is shaped by the stories they hear. In the past parents shared stories to train their children how to act. Today’s parent erroneously sees story—books and video—as mere entertainment without lasting impression. Stories still shape children.
Read books which shape your children in the way they should go. Honey For A Child's Heart categorizes great books by age and type to give a helpful reading resource for parents. The biographies, adventures, or fables you read aloud together will capture imagination, shape their understanding of how to engage the world, and increase their ability to reason. Along the way you’ll enjoy great adventures together.
Tis the season for resolutions—why not make a few that mean a happier, healthier family in 2010.
This month’s topic: What are your family resolutions?
Every parent wants it: the gasp, the wide eyes, the “Oh! Mommy and Daddy—it’s perfect!” So how do we find the perfect gift to let our children know just how much we love them? A few tips can help.
Survey the children. As part of the dinner table conversation, ask family members to state their favorite Christmas gift from last year. It’s not a fail-safe test, but the results will distinguish those gifts that have stood the test of time from those that may have excited for a moment but quickly passed out of mind.
Follow with, “What made that gift so special? What were other gifts you remember and still cherish?” As the conversation unfolds, you’ll gain insight into the kind of gift that means the most to each child.
Compare notes. Each parent notices different signals from your children and focuses on different aspects of gift-giving. If you work together, chances are you will do much better at finding a gift that speaks your love than working separately.
My husband compiles a complete list of our children’s requests and masterfully discerns which items they truly want versus the last item they saw in a toy catalogue. I, on the other hand, have to go to a store, hold the item, and envision the child’s look on Christmas morning. We typically make a date and hit the stores using Mike’s list as a guide for me to test gifts. As I intuitively focus on items I can envision lighting our child’s face, he focuses on the interests and desires behind the child’s actual requests. Together, we have a pretty good track record of getting “it” for each child.
Consider their love language. Some children save every note, card, or trinket they’ve received. These tangible signs of another’s love become treasures that fill their love tank. For such children, gifts take on an added significance because they aren’t just presents, they are the language by which the child hears, “I love you.”
For others, gifts are great but they feel truly loved when Mom takes them out for a soda or Dad cuddles with them on the couch reading. Time is their love language.
Still others feel truly loved when complimented—either to their face or through a note left in their lunch. Those words of affirmation communicate love more clearly than the whole toy room combined.
Children who crave physical affection feel loved by consistent hugs, tussles on the floor, or tickle-fests. Still other children feel most loved when others do acts of service for them such as making their lunch or driving them to practice.
If we want our gift giving to communicate our love, we must include their love language in some aspect of the process. Sure, our son may be asking for a 10-speed bike. But, if his love language is time—the gift will only truly communicate love if we pull out our own bikes and take a spin with him.
Get your daughter the requested doll house. But if she needs words of affirmation, include in her stocking a letter detailing all she has meant to you this year.
If your child is a gifts person, that can seem the easiest child to please this Christmas, yet there is a hidden danger. If you are careless, the gift may not only miss, but the message may be rejection. If you take time to find a gift that hits, you also communicate acceptance and love.
Choosing the perfect gift is every parent’s dream; falling short is every parent’s nightmare. Take time to inventory what means the most to your children, pool your insights with your spouse’s, and include their love language in the process. Then wait for the gasp, the wide eyes and the, “Oh! It’s perfect!”
This month’s topic: What is the best gift you have given? How did it become the best?
"All our discontents about what we want appeared to spring from the want of thankfulness for what we have." Daniel Defoe
Does trying to please your children ever wear you out? So many parents work long hours to provide luxuries so children can keep up with friends, rush children to the latest, greatest activity, and worry whether they can provide enough. Yet, despite the working and rushing and worrying, children are discontent. Perhaps the answer isn’t providing more. Perhaps we need to simply teach our children thankfulness for what they already have.
Consider the pilgrims:
· Suffering—seasickness and disease for over 2 months at sea
· Stranded—far from security of intended landing site
· Grief-stricken--because over half their number died the first winter
· Thankful—for all the blessings they still had
“Thank you for the food making this winter survivable. Thank you for the friendship of the local natives without which we would not survive. Thank you that we could establish a government for the protection of all. Thank you for life.” If you read the diaries of the Pilgrims, the overarching tenor of their stories is thankfulness for all that life in this new place offered. As little as they had, they were deeply grateful.
How can we inspire that kind of gratitude in our children? November provides a perfect setting for focusing on gratitude. Take this month to build traditions that instill gratitude that lasts long after the turkey is consumed.
· Construct a memorial. This can take many forms—choose the one best suited to your family. We took the base of a fountain and gathered smooth, flat stones from a nearby riverbed. On the stones, family members wrote specific experiences or things for which they were grateful. Every time a new blessing is given, another stone is added. As they glimmer under the water, the stones remind us of God’s amazing provision.
Others use colorful baskets and collect memorial stones in these. Still others plant a tree or special perennial to commemorate the blessings of the year.
· Create a gratefulness box. Have children decorate a shoe box then cut a slit in the lid. Each evening take a moment for each person to write on a slip of paper the thing for which they are most grateful from the day. (Parents can help younger children, or they can draw a picture.) On Thanksgiving, open the box and read the blessings from the month. The nightly practice of choosing something for which to give thanks develops a habit of gratitude and contentment.
· Give to others. Children are innately generous. Choose a charity related to children and have your children create a plan to support this charity. They might donate their gently used clothing and toys to a neighborhood shelter. Older children might choose one night per week to serve a meal at a homeless shelter for families. Our family’s favorite is to purchase gifts for Operation Christmas Child. Our children each choose a child comparable in age and gender to them and use their savings to fill a shoe box with toys and necessities. I’m always humbled by both their generosity and excitment as they spend their frugal allowances to make another child’s Christmas. Their favorite part is writing a letter to the child. (Note: Boxes have a November deadline. Check local sources for yours.) As children give to those in need, they generally become more content with what they have.
Thankfulness. As we teach our children to be thankful we not only relieve ourselves from exhaustion, but we open the door to true contentment for our children. No wonder Thanksgiving is quickly becoming a favorite holiday for families everywhere.
Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.
This month’s topic: What are your favorite Thanksgiving traditions?
"Scary, Mommy, scary!!" My daughter cringes as we scurry past a moaning skeleton whose fingers grasp at our grocery cart. Blood covered costumes line store aisles, scary masks peek from the shelves, eerie music plays over the speakers--just another October shopping trip. When children feel more fear than fun, how do parents keep the anxiety to a minimum?
Anticipate more fear. Though many children enjoy the thrill of being scared, many others find the season a little too creepy. Children up to about age six or seven have trouble separating what's real from fantasy. So, even if children seem fine in the store, displays have the potential to stay in children's heads and create fear later. If you notice your child hiding their eyes or helplessly transfixed on the scary mask or making more visits to your bed during the night, this may be the month to let them stay home while you shop.
The scenes aren't confined just to stores. Our children also see scary decorations in yards and may have friends who relish showing off their new gargoyle mask with the spike through the eye. Simply being in tune with how your child is coping and quickly separating them if the atmosphere becomes too overwhelming will head off nightmares and anxiety that last long after Halloween is over.
Focus on fun. Fall fills the senses--from colorful trees to the smell of a bonfire to leaves crunching underfoot. If your children exhibit anxiety, turning their focus to the beauty of fall can work wonders. Painting funny faces on pumpkins or creating a fall scene with different gourds can add beauty to your home and give children a chance to actively participate in a non-threatening fall activity. Hayrides, corn mazes, and fall campouts are other ways to enjoy fall beauty.
Silly costumes divert attention to the fun. Children love to dress up. Amidst all the scary options are super heroes, princesses, and their favorite cartoon characters. Providing costumes to match our child's latest love allows him or her to join the fun of dress-up without enduring the grotesque and takes the focus from fearful to fun.
Explore alternatives. For parents of children who are especially sensitive or parents who would rather avoid the Halloween scene altogether, a variety of churches and community groups offer alternative parties with special themes that avoid anything scary. Check local papers for notices of fun alternatives that side-step the creepy altogether.
Fall offers beauty, excitement, and a variety of activities not available any other season--it's no time to hide away. If parents pay attention to how children experience all they are seeing, we can turn fall from a season of fear to a season of fun.
This month’s topic: What are your favorite fall activities?
