Do your children spend a lot of time comparing themselves to others--happy when they perform better than classmates or siblings; sad when someone else gets the upper hand? Though completely normal in our culture, it reveals a serious flaw in reasoning and in heart. 
James says, "As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil." James 4:16. James noted that boasting means our eyes are fixed on other people--how we measure against them. If we are better, we consider ourselves good. If someone else outperforms us, we value ourselves less. That's a wrong measure. 
Instead, it's better to teach our children to measure themselves against, "Are you doing what God has called you to do the best you can?" In this we teach our children to focus on their duty to God. To keep their eyes on God. More importantly, they get their security from the knowledge that they are precious to God--not on their performance as compared to others.
Bragging and condemning self are opposite ends of the same issue--finding confidence and worth in performance. When we turn our children's focus to their relationship with God, we give a sure footing that will last their lifetime.
Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

As parents--we know we have to correct our children's misbehavior. We spend time assessing our expectations and considering the best consequences to ensure we are fair to our children. That's good. But, when the process ends--do you face a deepening closeness with your children or a distance born of frustration and ongoing anger?  Done right--discipline should bring parents and children closer. Yet, for many parents--children might outwardly obey, but their attitude toward parents grows bitter and aloof. How can parents complete discipline well? Share your reasoning. To be sure, parents can't explain every rule or decision. In fact, an important part of parenting includes training our children to trust us--even when they don't understand the why behind our decision. This enables our children to likewise trust God--even when they don't understand Him. At the same time, rules that seem arbitrary breed resentment. When we take the time to explain why we have the rules we have, we create connection with our children. We have reasons for our rules--usually because they create the kind of family culture we want to foster. Children can't hit because we want those who live in our home to feel safe in our home. Children can't lie because lying kills trust--we want to be able to trust each other. Children do chores because we want them to know how to take care of their house when they are older, and we want them to learn that in a family, everyone contributes.  As we share with our children the goals we are trying to achieve with the rules we set, children catch a vision for family life they can join. Personalize the rules for your child. When you explain that the rule against lying means they will know what is really happening and they can trust what you say, you give them motivation to join with you in creating a trusting home. Try again. Parents need to memorize these words, "Go and try again." Often when a parent catches their child misbehaving, parent simply imposes a punishment. Some move on to having a conversation to ensure child understands why he was punished. While this process ensures that our child knows he failed his parents and why, it leaves our child in a state of defeat. Not a great mindset for closeness. Add one more step. Tell your child, "Go and try again." If son was disciplined for yanking a truck from little sister or daughter was punished for backtalking--impose the consequence and have the conversation about why their behavior isn't allowed. Then, give your child the chance to try again. Take the truck in your hand and ask your son, "How can you get the truck without yanking it?" Give the instruction to your daughter and ask her to respond as she should. When we give our children the opportunity to try again--we end discipline with a positive. We reinforce the message that we know our children can obey and that we believe in them. Rather than feeling defeated--they feel connected. A great antidote to distance. Discipline is part of parenting--a part that ultimately should create more connection with parents. When we offer our children the chance to try again, connection grows. Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your heart as if unto the Lord." Colossians 3:23. 

Why do we call our child back to wipe the crumbs from the counter after they finished cleaning the kitchen? Why do we insist they go back outside and return the lids to the trashcans? Why do we ask them to change the dog's water--not just fill the bowl to the top? 

When we ask our children to do the whole job, we teach them to work with all their heart at everything. Sometimes it's tempting to settle for a half-hearted effort from our children. We can tell ourselves, "At least they put the food in the fridge and the dishes in the dish washer. I guess I should be happy with that." But, letting our children get by with the minimum builds into them a habit of doing as little as possible. That's not God's standard.
When we expect the full job--the crumbs off the counter as well--we train our children to give their best. This is Step 1 to them seeing their life, and each job in it, as a work unto the Lord. An offering. A chance to bring Him glory with their efforts. This gives our children a sense of purpose, a hope, and a focus on God. We teach them to work, in even the crumbs on the counter, as if unto the Lord.
Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

"What just happened?" Many parents find themselves asking this question just after trying to talk with their child. Parent senses something is wrong with child. Parent lovingly tries to engage child in conversation to find out what's wrong and how parent can help. Child wants nothing to do with their advice or them. What happened?
My dad once observed, "For people to believe a message, they have to trust the messenger."We see it every day. As formerly trusted messengers (news reporters, politicians, pastors) have been caught in lies and scandals, people's trust in messages--whether news, government decisions, or spiritual guidance--has plummeted. Our children are not immune. Though parents genuinely love their children and have solid advice to offer, if children no longer trust their parents--they ignore the message.
If you want your children to listen to your message, you must become a trustworthy messenger. How can parents win back (or preserve) the trust of their child?

• Keep your word. Don't make promises you can't (or don't intend) to keep. If you promise child to make it to their football game or a cuddle on the couch after they clean their room, don't let a work deadline or phone call cause you to miss this time. Don't offer bribes to induce good behavior, then renege. Don't forget little promises because children remember. While seeming minor at the time, a pattern of putting off what you told children you would do destroys trust. Keeping your word even when, and perhaps especially when, it's something minor builds trust.

• Live by the standards you impose. Double standards destroy trust. When parents yell in anger but punish children for doing so, parents create piles of clutter but demand that children put stuff away, parents demand that children listen attentively but stare at their computer when child is speaking--these double standards destroy any illusion that the messenger is trustworthy. When parents follow the standards they impose--children learn parents can be trusted. Further, our struggle to follow these standards--that deep sigh as you stop yourself from yelling--instills greater trust. Our children see that following the rules costs us as much as it costs them.

• Be the same person at home as in public. When parents are kind, considerate, and helpful to others in public but selfish and grumpy at home--trust lost. When parents go out of their way to treat family as well as (or even better than) those outside the house, trust builds.

Want your children to listen? Become a messenger they can trust. 
Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments'above to discuss this month's topic.

‎"No fair!" 
How often do you hear these words each day? In our house, they are usually followed by a shout for Mom and a complaint about sibling's actions. As aggravating as these situations can be (especially when piled one on top of the other), they are actually golden opportunities to teach our children how to relate to each other and to all the others who will come into their lives. 
What does our child mean when they cry, "No fair!"? Usually that their desires or expectations aren't being met. The definition for fair becomes child getting what they feel they deserve. As parents we can offer different definitions. 
Fair can mean: 

• that the reasonable and just outcome has occurred. 
• that the needs of everyone in the situation have been met. 
• that child has offered to sibling or playmate the treatment child would desire. 

As we help our child consider these definitions for fair, they can move beyond a focus on simply getting what they want and move on to considering others. 
The next time you hear, "No fair," take a deep breath and consider--"this is the opportunity to give my child a vision that is bigger that him/herself." You may still get a little overwhelmed, but you turn the moment into a lesson on relating to others.

1 Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' above to discuss this month's topic.