"What just happened?" Many parents find themselves asking this question just after trying to talk with their child. Parent senses something is wrong with child. Parent lovingly tries to engage child in conversation to find out what's wrong and how parent can help. Child wants nothing to do with their advice or them. What happened?
My dad once observed, "For people to believe a message, they have to trust the messenger."We see it every day. As formerly trusted messengers (news reporters, politicians, pastors) have been caught in lies and scandals, people's trust in messages--whether news, government decisions, or spiritual guidance--has plummeted. Our children are not immune. Though parents genuinely love their children and have solid advice to offer, if children no longer trust their parents--they ignore the message.
If you want your children to listen to your message, you must become a trustworthy messenger. How can parents win back (or preserve) the trust of their child?

• Keep your word. Don't make promises you can't (or don't intend) to keep. If you promise child to make it to their football game or a cuddle on the couch after they clean their room, don't let a work deadline or phone call cause you to miss this time. Don't offer bribes to induce good behavior, then renege. Don't forget little promises because children remember. While seeming minor at the time, a pattern of putting off what you told children you would do destroys trust. Keeping your word even when, and perhaps especially when, it's something minor builds trust.

• Live by the standards you impose. Double standards destroy trust. When parents yell in anger but punish children for doing so, parents create piles of clutter but demand that children put stuff away, parents demand that children listen attentively but stare at their computer when child is speaking--these double standards destroy any illusion that the messenger is trustworthy. When parents follow the standards they impose--children learn parents can be trusted. Further, our struggle to follow these standards--that deep sigh as you stop yourself from yelling--instills greater trust. Our children see that following the rules costs us as much as it costs them.

• Be the same person at home as in public. When parents are kind, considerate, and helpful to others in public but selfish and grumpy at home--trust lost. When parents go out of their way to treat family as well as (or even better than) those outside the house, trust builds.

Want your children to listen? Become a messenger they can trust. 
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‎"No fair!" 
How often do you hear these words each day? In our house, they are usually followed by a shout for Mom and a complaint about sibling's actions. As aggravating as these situations can be (especially when piled one on top of the other), they are actually golden opportunities to teach our children how to relate to each other and to all the others who will come into their lives. 
What does our child mean when they cry, "No fair!"? Usually that their desires or expectations aren't being met. The definition for fair becomes child getting what they feel they deserve. As parents we can offer different definitions. 
Fair can mean: 

• that the reasonable and just outcome has occurred. 
• that the needs of everyone in the situation have been met. 
• that child has offered to sibling or playmate the treatment child would desire. 

As we help our child consider these definitions for fair, they can move beyond a focus on simply getting what they want and move on to considering others. 
The next time you hear, "No fair," take a deep breath and consider--"this is the opportunity to give my child a vision that is bigger that him/herself." You may still get a little overwhelmed, but you turn the moment into a lesson on relating to others.

1 Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' above to discuss this month's topic.

Looking for some resolutions that can produce results and that truly matter? Try these:
Resolutions for a healthy marriage:
1) Resolve to learn spouse's love language and specifically say I love you in their love language at least once a day. What are "love languages"? Check out Gary Chapman's great book--The Five Love Languages. Whether you put a note in their lunch (words of affirmation) or fill the gas tank before they have an early morning start (acts of service)--you'll communicate your love in a way they can hear. That builds their sense of security in your love.
2) Resolve to say only "that which builds others up." Find ways to express what your spouse does right, how they minister to you, and what you enjoy about them. At the same time, your conversations over the year will likely also include saying things that express concern, hurt, or anger about something spouse is doing. Even those thoughts should be expressed in a way to build spouse up, not tear them down. Make whatever divides you the enemy--not your spouse.
3) Resolve to listen to whatever spouse says and take seriously--even if you disagree with the conclusions. Treat spouse's feelings, experiences, and desires as real, valuable, and important. 
4) Choose to spend one-on-one time with spouse doing something fun at least twice per month. Memories and connections created during fun times together help carry through hard times. Whether you picnic on the living room floor or splurge on a fun weekend get-away, invest your time, money, and focus on being with and enjoying your spouse.
5) Pray diligently for your spouse every day. Great book for wives--The Power of a Praying Wife. Gives topical prayers as focus for praying for husbands. Don't know of equivalent for husbands, but do know that a wife senses when a husband prays for her. Prayer can bridge any gap by opening your relationship to the mighty working of God and His desire to build deep intimacy between you. Make this a priority, and you will see the work of God in your relationship.
May 2013 be a year when you are blessed in your marriage and the witness of your faithful, sacrificial love witnesses to the greater love of Christ.
Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.