Oceanus Hopkins had a rough start. His parents, fleeing persecution, crowded onto a ship headed for a new land. Fighting seasickness, rotting food, and the effects of tight living-quarters, Oceanus’s mother gave birth aboard the Mayflower making him the 32nd child to join the 102 travelers seeking a new life in Virginia. When a storm blew the ship far north to uncharted territory on the coast of Massachusetts, few anticipated the trials they would face. Forty-seven would die in the "Starving Time" of the first year.
Some historians credit the ultimate survival of the colony to the number of children who went to the new world. Because children had a higher survival rate than the adults, they added longevity to the colony. Before traveling to the new world, the children worked a variety of difficult jobs making them hardy, hard-working, and able to significantly contribute to the daily needs of the colony. On arrival they gathered food, helped build shelter, and learned survival techniques from the Wampanoag tribe which came to their aid. Oceanus Hopkins was born into this adventure. His name was added to the list of children who joined with the adults to face the trials of the new world head-on and create a new life.
As we pause this Thanksgiving, I have to admit that I am extremely thankful that I live in a different time. I will put my children to bed in a warm house which ably protects them from the elements. Their stomachs will be filled with nutritious food. Should they become ill, our doctor will likely be able both to tell me what is wrong and treat them.
Pilgrim parents couldn’t offer their children any of this. Rudimentary shelters, hastily built in the raw November days, offered meager sanctuary from the cold. Scanty portions of food barely took the edge off continual hunger plaguing the colony that first, bitter winter. When their children grew ill, parents could only pray for their child to beat the odds of a nearly inevitable death. I feel so fortunate compared to the Pilgrim parents. Yet, I wonder, “Am I doing as well by my children as they did by theirs?”
Though the trials are very different, today’s families face the challenge of building a life in the unknown much as our Pilgrim forefathers did. With the rush of ever-changing technology, financial upheaval, and the focus on global interdependence and connection; families are forging a new life in uncharted territory. The Pilgrims prepared their children to take a significant role as allies in their struggle and to work with them to build a better life. Have we taught our children to actively contribute to building a good life in the midst of the unknown? Are they:
· Strong enough to face hardship?
· Skilled enough to overcome it?
- What is our family mission: What do we want to stand for as a family? What do we want to accomplish in the coming year?
- What resources do we have to fulfill this mission—what tools, what connections, what gifts/skills does each member have to contribute?
- What challenges will we have to overcome?
- What will be the blessing of succeeding? What will we lose if we fail?
In our intense gratitude for all the blessings our children enjoy, let us not substitute passive reception of blessing for active involvement in creating blessing. Instead of shielding our children, may we work with them to create a vision for the future in which they actively participate and toward which they significantly contribute. Oceanus and the other Pilgrim children worked alongside their parents to lay the foundation of our nation. This Thanksgiving offers our families the opportunity to explore how we will work together to meet the challenges of today and to build a heritage for which future generations will pause to give thanks.
Rule 3 for Discipline—Teach Self-Control
In the last post, we met Billy, who openly defied his mom’s instruction to put the cookie back in the jar. What does it take to place a warm, sweet-smelling, chocolaty cookie in a jar rather than a mouth? Self-control. Lots of it. A little boy will not, cannot, put the cookie back unless he’s been taught how to deny himself and do what he’s told.
To teach obedience—teach self-control. In so doing you make obedience the habit of your home—your child’s natural response to your loving instruction.
How do we do it? Never allow your child to disobey a direct order or a standing rule.
You can stop laughing now.
As the mom of eight strong-willed children, I get how hard this is. Yet, to normalize obedience, we need this standard.
Every interaction we have with our children normalizes something. We normalize healthy communication or yelling. We normalize encouragement or discouragement. As we give commands—we will either allow our child to disobey or require them to obey. If we consistently choose to require our child to do what we asked when we asked, we teach our child to control themselves to follow instructions. In this, we normalize obedience.
Billy’s mom told him he couldn’t have the cookie he snagged before lunch and to put it back in the jar. Instead, Billy shoved it into his mouth. No self-control. How do we get a different outcome?
Begin young. As soon as your child can understand your words, require her to follow direct commands. If you call your toddler to come for a diaper change, require her to come to you. You can tease, play, repeat the instruction, or whatever system works with your child—but she must come to you. If she runs the other direction or ignores you, go get her by the hand and walk her back to where you began and change her diaper saying, "You must come to me when I call." UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you take the diaper and go to her—that normalizes disobedience. Normalize obedience—require your direct instructions be followed. Every time.
Use breaks. Once children get beyond the toddler stage, Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller of National Center for Biblical Parenting offer a strategy that takes requiring obedience a step further. If child doesn’t immediately comply with a direct order, or complies but with a lousy attitude, give them a break.
In the cookie scenario, Mom would say, “Billy, you just ate a cookie after I told you not to. I want you to go to the next room and take a break. When you are ready to listen to me, you can come back.”
This isn’t normal time-out. In time-out parent sends child to a corner or their room for a set time and then calls him back. The child passively waits for parent to say when they are free. Because parent remains in control of the length of the time-out, child has little incentive to contemplate his conduct or how to fix it.
With a break, Billy is in the break until he is ready to cooperate with parent. This gives incentive to the child to get himself under control and ready to obey. It allows him the time for a breather if angry, time to contemplate his attitude if sorry, and time to mentally catch up to all his disobedience may cost. Once he’s ready to deal with the situation, he returns.
Then you repeat the situation giving child the opportunity to obey. Odd as it may seem, you say something along the lines of, “Billy, I want you to take a cookie out of the cookie jar. I’m going to give you another chance to obey.” When he takes the cookie out, tell him to put the cookie back until after lunch. When he returns the cookie, he experiences forcing himself to comply with your direct order which normalizes obedience. Then, release him—say something like, “Thank you, Billy. Go play, and I’ll call you when lunch is ready.”
If Billy seems genuinely repentant, this is unusual conduct, or you’re just beginning to use the break—the break can be the sole consequence. He still gets his after-lunch cookie. If defiance is more entrenched, you may add a punishment on top of the break such as, “I’m sorry Billy—if you had listened and put the cookie back the first time, you could have had two after lunch. But, your disobedience means you won’t have another.”
Whether you tell your children to pick up their toys, begin their homework, or bring you the telephone—require your child to do what you said within the time-frame you set. When you consistently require obedience—you teach self-control, the foundation of all the rest of the parenting work you will do. The foundation of engaging life as a mature, healthy adult.
To create a healthy home—teach your children self-control.
