- Obey a direct instruction.
- Show respect to others.
- Don't lie.
These get enforced whether we are at home, at Grandma's, or in the grocery. The rest of life is treated as the situation warrants, but for these--life stops if the boundary is breached. Life remains on pause until the breach is rectified.
Further, everyone must follow these--parents included. In our home we've determined yelling shows disrespect, so everyone must find a calm, respectful manner of expressing our hurt or anger. We don't punish our children for yelling in anger but then yell ourselves. As we consistently enforce family rules no matter the situation or person involved, these principles shape the character of our family.
Consistency is counterproductive for consequences. When parents use the same consequences to deal with misbehavior time after time, the consequences begin to lose their effectiveness as a corrective. Familiarity makes the consequence something to endure rather than something that motivates a change in behavior. Children fall into a mindset of, "All I have to do is survive 10 minutes in time-out or 5 minutes of Mom yelling, then I can get back to my thing."
Parents make more impact if they have a variety of consequences to draw upon for correcting violations of the rules. This makes disciplining in public, between children of different personality types, and for differing levels of offense easier. When we trot out the same old punishment for every offence, we get stuck. If we know we can't use our one consequence here and now, we get stuck in letting child get away with disobedience. If we know our one consequence isn't impacting a particular child--we likewise get stuck in failure to draw them from actions that lead to bad character and toward behaviors that lead to good character. When we draw from a variety of options such as isolating child for a time, real-life impacts, scolding, loss of privileges, or some other way of penalizing child for disobedience--we can match the consequence to the situation and the child.
Does consistency matter? Yes! We need to consistently affirm the principles that shape our family life. But, we parent better when we have variety in consequences. When we look for options that reach our child's heart with the truth that their disobedience hurts both them and others around them, we create a context for change. Different children are motivated differently. Keep the same rules for all--but vary the consequence.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Keep your word. Don't make promises you can't (or don't intend) to keep. If you promise child to make it to their football game or a cuddle on the couch after they clean their room, don't let a work deadline or phone call cause you to miss this time. Don't offer bribes to induce good behavior, then renege. Don't forget little promises because children remember. While seeming minor at the time, a pattern of putting off what you told children you would do destroys trust. Keeping your word even when, and perhaps especially when, it's something minor builds trust.
- Live by the standards you impose. Double standards destroy trust. When parents yell in anger but punish children for doing so, parents create piles of clutter but demand that children put stuff away, parents demand that children listen attentively but stare at their computer when child is speaking--these double standards destroy any illusion that the messenger is trustworthy. When parents follow the standards they impose--children learn parents can be trusted. Further, our struggle to follow these standards--that deep sigh as you stop yourself from yelling--instills greater trust. Our children see that following the rules costs us as much as it costs them.
- Be the same person at home as in public. When parents are kind, considerate, and helpful to others in public but selfish and grumpy at home--trust lost. When parents go out of their way to treat family as well as (or even better than) those outside the house, trust builds.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- that the reasonable and just outcome has occurred.
- that the needs of everyone in the situation have been met.
- that child has offered to sibling or playmate the treatment child would desire.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
Yet, as special as those events can be--all too often they can lead to meltdowns. Tantrums, crying spells, extra fighting--and that's just the parents. What can we do to keep the "special" in special events?
Children (and parents) misbehave most often when they are tired, hungry, or out of their routine. The key to preserving the joy of family events is to think ahead for each of these.
Aim to keep family members rested. Whether the family attends a special concert or a neighborhood party, special events tend to go past bedtimes. With darkness descending ever earlier--the toll is even greater. When parents know that evening's activities will likely keep children up too late, including a rest in the daily schedule may be the key to preserving the evening fun.
For younger children--even those who have stopped napping, an hour in bed reading can keeps the energy going when special events run late. For older children, figure out what rejuvenates them and include in the family routine. Some need time to take a run or walk, others need quiet moments in their room, while others simply need a conversation with Mom or a friend to be ready to take on the world. As you intentionally make these part of the day, you build the energy to help them cope with the drains of the season.
Aim to prevent hunger. Special events often center on food--but the timing can be very different than your home meal schedule. A package of cheese crackers or baggie of almonds can make all the difference. When children, or spouse, starts getting grumpy because their stomach is growling and the host won't serve food for another hour--pull out the reserve snacks and head off melt-downs.
Aim to preserve routine. The thing about special events? They're . . .special. Out of the ordinary. Out of the routine. Children thrive on routine. Routine offers security, predictability, and signals for how to act. Deprived of these--children can feel like they are in a metaphorical free-fall. Not the best feeling for inducing good behavior.
We can help by offering the benefits of routine--even when routine is missing. Before going into Grandma's for the family party or the concert hall, remind children of behavioral expectations: use manners, give adults the seats and sit on the floor, listen to others, etc. If children only see family members at Christmas, offer reminders as to who they will see and how they are connected. You might also offer interesting details that allow your children to connect. Let children know how long you will be there and what to expect during the event.
Just as important--keep your December calendar in front of you at all times. When a friend calls to invite you for a neighborhood gathering, check the calendar. Don't just look to see if you are booked. Look to see how many other nights are booked. Preserve nights to be home and rest. You can even take the time to block out nights at the beginning of the month to ensure time at home.
Tis the season to enjoy family, friends, and special events. By remembering the triggers for misbehavior and preparing ahead, we can help keep the "special" in special events. We trade tears and tantrums for wonderful family memories.
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure the days with your children?
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