Ruth Bell Graham, wife of Rev. Billy Graham, recalled her daughter, Anne's, tearful comment as Mrs. Graham tucked her into bed, "Mother, you make it so hard to be good!" Mrs. Graham noted, "A good mother is one who makes is easy for a child to be good." We are cautioned against exasperating our children--making it hard for them to be good. How do we make it easy?
Set clear rules. Children need clarity--both on what we expect and on timing. “Each evening before dinner put all your toys in their tub” is much more helpful than “pick up your toys.” Clear expectations make it easier to obey.
Teach how to obey. Once children understand the rule, they need to know how to meet that expectation. Teaching gives visibility to expectation. The three-step process of: 1) parent performs task while child watches, 2) parent and child perform task together, and then 3) child performs task while parent watches works well. If I want my child to make her bed before coming to breakfast, I tell her this new rule. Then I spend a couple of days making the bed while she watches so she knows what a “made” bed looks like. Next, we spend a couple of days making the bed together. Finally, child spends a couple of days making the bed while I watch and point out changes needed. Once she knows how to comply with my expectation, the rule goes into effect.
Be consistent with children. Flexibility is great. Flexibility allows parents to respond to differing personalities and situations with grace. Yet, when flexibility trumps consistency—we make it hard for our children to obey. Children find it easier to obey when the rule stays the rule—no matter the situation. If I expect children to clean up toys before dinner—except on the weekend, except when rushing to soccer practice, except when friends are over—children are left guessing whether the rule is in place or the exception. Given they’d probably rather not clean up their toys, they’ll opt to see exceptions rather than obey. If they know the rule is the rule, it’s easy to obey.
Be consistent with self. If we want our children to comply the first time we ask them to do something, we need to follow our own directions. I struggle most with this when visiting friends. I tell my children it is time to leave and to get their shoes and coats. They run to do so, but I keep talking. Twenty minutes later, when they’ve given up on me and returned to playing with friends, I’m finally really ready to leave. I have to acknowledge my inconsistency just made it very difficult for them to obey. I need to be as consistent as I want my children to be.
This same consistency needs to accompany consequences for not obeying. If I impose a consequence for disobedience routinely, children soon learn to do what I ask right away. If I impose a consequence only when I’m angry or fed up, but make excuses for children when they are tired or busy (or when I’m tired or busy), I confuse my children. Confused children find it hard to obey. Gracious firmness makes it easy for children to understand they must follow through every time.
Affirm, affirm, affirm. Our children long to please us. In asking our children to obey, we are asking them to go against their very natures to comply with our requests. They do so out of adoration for us. If we ignore these gigantic sacrifices, they’ll soon disappear. While parents shouldn’t praise substandard efforts or behavior that should have become second nature, we need to specifically and consistently affirm our children’s efforts to respond to our direction. We need to flood them with the same blessing God promises us for our obedience to His direction. Use the celebrate plate to affirm a new and difficult job well done, write notes of praise, go out for ice cream together, give warm hugs and open praise. As we affirm the effort our children expend to follow our direction, we make it easy to obey.
Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.
This month’s topic: How do you make it easy to obey?
