My stomach clenched as the psychologist continued, "Oh, and you'll need to prepare for your husband cussing more. That just happens with stroke patients."
What?! After waiting for over a month for Mike to utter words--now I have to worry about censoring him in front of the children? I have to continue nurturing and responding to a man whose words may tear down rather than communicate? After all this work, why would this be what comes out?
Yet, I have to admit how often those same words come to my mind. When the loaded laundry basket crashes from the shelf onto my head, when the milk jug splatters to the floor, when the grocery line stalls. What if the part of my brain that stops me from uttering these out loud quit working and people really knew what was going through my head? "God, I don't want a condition that makes me less like You?"
As clear as a bell I heard God's voice saying, "Right now, are you becoming more like Me--or less?"
It hit me. Every situation, even how I respond to Mike's stroke, offers the chance for me to grow more like God or less like God. I'm so tempted to think about what's happening to me, how I feel, and how to get others to give me what I want. Jesus focused on what was happening to others, how they felt, and how He could get them what they need.
Do I see this situation as a chance to grow more like Jesus? Do I focus on the other people at rehab? Do I ensure I listen to all my children are going through? Do I continue to lovingly relate to Mike even though he can't relate back--just as Jesus continues to lovingly relate to me even when I can't relate back?
Every situation--every fight with our spouse, every disobedience by our children, every challenge in our finances offers the opportunity for us to say, "How can I walk through this growing more like Jesus?"
I'm learning it's not about God sending the right situations for me to grow--it's about using each situation rightly. Lord, let me use this to grow to be like You.
No more series!! That decision follows the third time I've tried and found that each time, some family crisis keeps me from going forward.
Instead, I'm simply going to offer insights as they come to me in the area of family. That usually means sharing my most recent goof in mothering or wifing and how God brought me through it so that you can avoid my mistakes--or at least find a way out if you are already there.
Today's insight--Tester vs. Teacher. My husband's stroke has offered amazing insights into how people work. One of the most telling--there are testers and there are teachers. Two of his therapists clearly demonstrate this dichotomy.
One therapist begins every session pulling out books, putting Mike through his paces, then detailing every instance where he got the answer wrong. Shes uses this to explain what that means about what he can't do and where he will struggle. Though enlightening, he leaves each session his shoulders slumped, his walk slower, his mood down. She discourages and breeds fear and a sense of failure.
The other therapist pulls out her books, puts Mike through his paces, then details every instance where he succeeded. She then builds on areas of success to increase his abilities in weaker areas. She shows him how one success leads to another. He leaves sessions with her standing a little taller, walking a little quicker, enthusiastic about trying again. She encourages and breeds security and a sense of hope.
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go." Psalm 32:8. God is a teacher. He encourages, nurtures, builds from where we are to where we need to go. In our families, if we are to model God--refuse to be a tester. Sure assessments are helpful and sometimes a gut check is needed. But, the atmosphere of our homes should be that of teaching. In this we build our families, encourage them, and offer hope that they can reach those seemingly impossible calls to which we aspire.
Horrifying pictures of recent floods vividly remind us of the catastrophic power of unrestrained water. Yet, all ancient civilizations began along rivers. Flowing water, restrained to its banks, brings productivity, energy, and vitality. Only with such a foundation could civilizations form. Great power unrestrained wreaks havoc; channeled it exudes life.
“Do it myself”—the preschooler mantra as three to five year olds increasingly seek to operate independently from parents. Unlike during their more fumbling toddler stage, the honed fine-motor skills of the preschool stage allow children to take charge. They manipulate words, toys, and playmates to bring life to their imagination. While full of promise this drive, unrestrained, can lead to willful, self-absorbed children who wreak havoc both for themselves and those around them. How do we channel this emerging force which has the potential for such good toward productivity and service to others?
Goal—Provide a spiritual framework to channel their imaginations and activities. Just as rivers need banks to protect against destructiveness and to increase productivity, your preschooler needs the restraining boundaries of guiding principles to protect against an overflow into destructiveness and instead to channel their emerging abilities into positive outlets.
How—
• Lay the foundation. You likely have been singing Bible songs and reading stories from your children’s bible since your toddler first began sitting on your lap. If you haven’t, now is a great time to start. With these you introduce what the Bible says to various situations. Preschoolers love and remember story. Likewise songs. Spend time each day singing, reading, or telling the great stories of the Bible so your preschooler comes to know them by heart.
• Apply the principles. When your toddler initiates a game with a playmate, converses with you, or conceives a building project and runs into an obstacle, frame his options within biblical principles. If son and playmate fight over a toy, take son aside and remind him, “God wants us to do to others what we want them to do to us. Do you want Joey to grab the truck out of your hand?” When he says no, ask, “What would you want him to do?” If son says he wants Joey to ask for or share the truck—offer, “Well, that’s what you should do.”
If a collapsing tower has your preschooler throwing more blocks than stacking, offer—“Honey, the bible says that a man without self-control is like a city without walls—you leave yourself open to being hurt. What if one of these blocks bounces and hits you? Or, you break the one that you need most? Or, I decide to take the blocks away because you are a danger to your little sister? Won’t that harm you? You want your building to stand. Throwing blocks doesn’t make your building stand. Let’s work together on how to make your building stand.” In this you teach both that temper tantrums aren’t acceptable and that you are a resource to whom your child can turn when overwhelmed—two great life habits.
Frustration, anger, bossiness, and selfishness all naturally flow from our preschooler as they initiate. When we offer biblical boundaries for how to implement their initiative, they learn to initiate in Godly ways.
Don’t know these scriptures? Get a copy of Parenting with Scripture by Kara Durbin. One of the best resources for parents, this book compiles scriptures by topic on subjects such as choices, jealousy, friendship, laziness, sharing, and so much more. Just turn to the heart motive your child exhibits, and you’ll find six to seven scriptures, discussion points, and an activity to bring the lesson home. Choose the most applicable passage and use it to guide your preschooler toward Godliness.
• Equip their imagination. Invest in imagination-boosting toys such as blocks, kitchen supplies, dolls, stuffed animals, cars, action figures, etc. Stock quantities of scratch paper, construction paper, glue sticks, crayons, paints, brushes, sponges, and play dough. If your child is a loner, give her time each day to bring life to her ideas. If she’s more a group player, set aside time each day to play with her. Be sure to play a supporting role; allow her to initiate and drive the time. When you do, you provide the equipment and incentive for her ideas to come to life.
• Affirm their endeavors. Listen to his ideas. Revel in her stories. Applaud tall towers. Encourage your preschooler’s efforts to work with siblings and playmates. You are the center of your preschooler’s world. As you offer affirmation, you encourage your preschooler to channel his energy in productive ways rather them tempting him to give in to his desire to have his own way—no matter the consequence.
“Do it myself!” every preschooler’s heart cry. As you set boundaries to your preschooler’s imagination and actions, you channel her energy and drive into habits which will serve her and others for a lifetime.
Coming next: Journey of Parenting--the Early Elementary Years
This month’s topic: What have you learned during the preschool stage?
“How do I get my children to do their chores?” One of the most common questions I receive. Honest answer—I struggle mightily with this issue in our home. We’ve done chore charts. We’ve purchased packaged systems training children to do chores. We’ve instituted schedules. After an enthusiastic start and much hoopla, three weeks in—I tour the house to find unmade beds, dishes stacked in the sink, and dust bunnies grabbing my toes from under furniture.
I can’t really blame the children. I’m not great at putting stickers on charts, following every instruction of a complicated system, or reminding of the schedule. I don’t want to have to remind—that’s why I have a schedule. Yet, I also have to acknowledge that if the Marine Corp—those top military men and women charged with defending the order of the world—need regular inspections to keep their barracks clean, my children probably need more from me than a chart or a schedule.
What works? For us—chore hour. We set one hour a day as chore hour. From 4:00 – 5:00 everyone gathers for their assignment and works until the list is done.
Benefits:
• Group effort reduces complaining. Because the time is set and everyone’s involved, children complain a lot less. They expect to do chores at 4:00. It becomes part of the flow of the day rather than an interruption of their activities.
• Natural camaraderie. Children generally don’t like working alone. They don’t want to go off by themselves to clean the toy room or make their bed. When everyone is doing chores, we team up to tackle the toy covered floor or washing the dishes. Working together makes the job go faster as we connect with each other while working. Also, I can teach how to do the job as we go. Children don’t feel overwhelmed by a task they don’t know how to begin—they become empowered as they work alongside and learn from me.
If we must divide and conquer, we create teams. The first team to finish their task gets to pick dessert. This not only offers incentive for older children to help younger siblings learn chores, it builds team spirit in the family as we learn to work well together.
Important note—Mom and Dad need to be part of the mix. Just having a chore time for the kids may work to get chores done, but resentment often remains. The camaraderie comes as mom and dad work alongside the kids. If parents actively engage—resentment goes out the window and cooperation and team spirit take over.
• Less stress/interruptions throughout the day. If I walk through the house at lunch and see mess after mess, I don’t spend the day griping at my children to “please come get this cleaned up.” I can simply wait for the chore hour, then point out what must be accomplished. I can relax knowing it will be done. The children can focus on their priorities throughout the day without being interrupted every time I find a job.
• The chores get done. With a little planning (Monday-focus on floors and laundry, Tuesday—focus on bathrooms, etc.), I can make great use of our chore hour to keep the house running smoothly. With everyone pitching in together, the work takes less time. More importantly, everyone has a stake in keeping the house looking good the rest of the time—meaning fewer overall chores for everyone.
Too often chores, or the failure to do chores, pit parents against children in an ongoing battle. We become “enemies” as we fight over why chores aren’t done. A team approach means we work together to conquer the task instead of working to conquer each other. Not only are beds made, dishes washed, and dust bunnies tamed—we avoid battles; we build bonds and enjoy peace.
During the first twelve to eighteen months of our baby’s lives, we establish bonds and build a foundation of trust with our infant. We provide moment-by-moment nurture that speaks security and connection. Then, come the toddler years.
During the toddler years—eighteen months to thirty-six months—the goal expands. While we still continue to affirm our toddler’s trust in us, we shift the focus to teaching toddlers to obey our authority and begin to develop self-control. In working toward this goal, we face one of the strongest forces in nature—the will of a toddler. How do we make it work?
We never allow our child to disobey a direct order or, as they get older, a standing rule.
OK—you can stop laughing. Yes, this is a tall order. Yet, this is the call. Toddlers are all about control. Our toddlers learn to control their hands to play with toys, dress, and feed themselves. They learn to control their voices to verbalize sentences and make requests known. They learn to control their bodies to run, skip, and use the bathroom.
Take advantage of this desire for control to teach your child to control his behavior in response to your instruction. Never again will you have so much time with your child. Never again so little influence from outside sources. Never again a developmental stage so oriented to obedience as now. Though never easy, it will never be easier to teach your child to obey than now.
You do this by making a habit of obedience to your direct instruction. If you say, “Jason, come to Mommy for a diaper change,” Jason needs to come. If he fails to come, you can make a game of it, you can repeat your instruction, or you can go get his hand and bring him to where you were.
What you must NEVER do is go to him and change the diaper where he was. That normalizes disobedience. Normalize obedience by requiring him to follow your instruction—every time.
A lazy parent routinely allows disobedience and then wonders why life with toddler is so hard. Recently, I watched a mother in the waiting room tell her toddler not to eat the cracker he just dropped on the floor. When he popped it into his mouth, she simply laughed and said it was probably OK. When she told him to put his book away and he threw it, she put it into the basket. When she told him to sit down, he ran around the room. At no time did she actually have him do what she asked. There was little surprise when he ran into the parking lot after she instructed him to stay by her side. It was more surprising when she exclaimed, “I work with him all the time—why does he disobey?”
If we don’t normalize obedience—we normalize disobedience. In disobedience we not only breed tumult in our homes (constantly butting heads with our toddler), we endanger our toddler who doesn’t know how to listen when the stakes are high.
Tips:
• Keep instructions few. Don’t give a direct instruction you don’t intend to enforce. If you are simply going to let the child eat the cracker off the floor, don’t tell him not to eat it. Choose your battles, but go the full mile on the instructions you choose to give.
• Use code words. We negotiate with our children. We may tell our daughter to wear an outfit and, upon her cry that it is too scratchy, allow her to make a different choice. While important to do, this can make life confusing for children who may not know when they must obey and when something is open to negotiation. If you have code words, you help both parties. Something along the lines of “I need you to obey, take that cracker out of your mouth” cues everyone that this is an obedience situation and child needs to obey or face a consequence.
• Impose consistent consequences. Give simple commands, then require your child to do what you say. If you say to come, child must come. If he doesn’t, take his hand and bring him to you. If you say to put the book in the tub and she doesn’t, put your hand over hers to pick up the book and take it to the tub. If you say don't eat the cracker and the cracker goes into the mouth, take it out of his mouth.
• Affirm, affirm, affirm. Your toddler demonstrates the huge importance she places in pleasing you when she sets aside her will to follow yours. Recognize this effort with generous praise, hugs, high fives, and occasional special treats.
Obedience—the goal of toddlerhood. Toddlerhood lasts so long because this is a tough skill and will take time. Yet, as you focus on teaching your child to obey, you give the skill of self-control that will enable him to take on and succeed in life’s challenges. Further, you create a habit of listening to your instruction that will enable you to guide your child through the complex issues you will face in coming stages. Finally, relating to a child who listens is a delight. You bring peace to your home as your child learns to respond to others and create healthy relationships.
Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.
This month’s topic: How do you teach your toddler to obey?
