“Billy, put the cookie back—it’s not lunchtime yet.” Billy leans over the package on the counter and shoves the cookie into his mouth as he pretends to return it. “Billy!” scolds mom, “You shouldn’t do that. I’ll deal with you after I’m finished talking to Mary—now go play.”
Despite her best intentions, Billy’s mom has normalized disobedience.
Children think based on what’s in their hearts. Thoughts become actions. Actions become habits. Habits shape character. Character determines destiny.
When a son consciously disobeys a direct order to put the cookie away, he reveals a heart focused on getting his own way rather than listening to his parents. From this heart attitude, he thinks, “I wonder if I can get away with eating the cookie?” so he pops it into his mouth. Now comes the test.
If mom or dad stops what they are doing to engage Billy regarding his behavior, he learns to think, “I’d better do what mom and dad say to do.”
When mom or dad fails to correct his action, he learns he can do what he wants without consequence. Step one of a bad habit is put into place—disobey if you don’t like the direction.
The more parents give in—the more ingrained the habit becomes. It grows into a character of demanding one’s own way and ignoring any direction which interferes with getting what he wants. Such characters have a hard time keeping jobs, building marriages, sacrificing for children, or bowing their hearts to the Lordship of Christ. With a heart completely focused on self—there’s not room for anyone else.
Parents can’t change their child’s hearts—but we can shape them. If we lovingly but firmly require our child to follow our rules, those actions become a habit of obedience to loving authority, the natural response to our direction. That habit shapes a character of one who will do what he’s supposed to do—even when he doesn’t like it. Such characters not only become model employees, build healthy marriages, and sacrifice for the good of their children—they are enabled to enter a relationship with Christ. The habit of obedience trains their heart to focus on others.
If there’s a rule you aren’t willing to put the energy into enforcing, don’t make it a rule. For the rules you keep—require require your child to follow them. Healthy families focus on building character—and character is shaped by each action of your child.
Coming next—So how do I require obedience as a natural response to my direction?
Ragged breaths. . .burning legs. . .parched throat. As I glided up the driveway after a long ride, I headed toward the front door to grab a large glass of water. Then, I turned.
Instead of the front door, my first stop was the barn--where we park our bikes. Though the water called, I could envision the scolding I would give my son if I had come out of the front door and found my his bike lying by the porch. In our house the “I’m just going to leave this here and put it away later” approach usually leads to lost objects and hours of frustrated search. So, we created the firm rule: when an object’s in your hand, put it where it goes—mom and her bike included.
Rule one of discipline—parents shouldn’t make a rule they don’t follow. Why?
- Hypocrisy kills discipline. When parents make a rule seem irrelevant by ignoring it, children will be hard pressed to push themselves to comply.
- Further, when parents must comply, we tend to have fewer rules. We also tend to show more grace with occasional lapses as we personally experience the difficulty of restraining our desires in order to obey.
- Finally, our compliance offers a concrete example to our children of what obedience to the rule looks like—invaluable.
Though my parched throat begged for relief, the three minutes it took to put my bike away first reinforced the rule, “when something’s in your hand, put it where it goes.” More importantly, I’ll be able to find my bike for our next outing.
“[God] will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah. 3:17. What a picture of how God relates to His children—with delight, joy, and singing!
Does this portray your relationship with your children?
Because of busyness, ignorance, or poor examples, often parents fail to come to parenting from a starting point of delight. Rather, we often begin with a sense of duty. “I have a duty to feed my children breakfast. A duty to help with their school work. A duty to teach about God.”
While duty may get the job done—it hardly inspires a loving relationship. Duty orients us to think of everything we do for our children as a "have to." Duty drains our energy and limits our focus to getting through the task. Duty kills joy.
Further, parenting from duty shapes our children to expect that others will care for them only because of an obligation. Children raised in this atmosphere struggle mightily to believe that anyone can abundantly love them--even God. They miss both His delight in them and the joy of relating to Him.
Instead, they picture God acting solely out of some holy responsibility He must fulfill to remain righteous. Because they sense only duty—God’s grace, mercy and offer of relationship are received cautiously, begrudgingly, and in as limited quantities as possible to gain heaven and get through life. No one wants to be the object of duty.
What a difference delight makes. If we delight to fill our children's tummies with a warm start to the day, delight to create opportunities for them to learn so they can grow into the people God made them to be, delight in sharing the treasures of God’s love—our children experience the reality of our delight in them. This shapes them to receive God’s delight. Everyone wants to be the object of delight.
When we sense delight—grace, mercy, and relationship are received openly with a continual desire for more. The more we receive the more we want. As you parent from a framework of delight in who your children are and who they are becoming—they want more of you. As they grow in understanding of this relationship and the joy it brings, they take these expectations into their relationship with God. They are shaped to believe and accept God’s delight. What better gift can we give our children?
To create a healthy home—begin with delight in your children.
When I ask how people are, the most common response I get? “So very busy.”
What is the impact of busyness? When multiple tasks compete for the same moment, we must choose. Some say these choices reveal our true priorities. If we can do only one thing, we gravitate toward the most important. Do we?
As I sat in my front porch rocker beginning my time with the Lord, I noticed my plants. They needed water—desperately. As I rose to get the water can, a voice spoke, “Are you going to put me off again?”
Already I had delayed getting alone with God in order to empty the dishwasher, fold laundry, and ensure the coffee was brewing. Was I going to delay Him longer? Was it truly more important to water plants than talk with God? Than to be filled for the day with His love and presence? Than to ask Him what I was to do with the day He had given? I knew that if I interrupted my time with God for one more task, the day’s demands would escalate and I would never return to that rocker.
So often we attend to the immediate rather than the important. Sometimes we have no choice. The immediate must happen—or nothing happens. If the gas tank is dry, the children hungry, or the bill due—we must attend to those immediate concerns in order for the rest of life to keep going. Yet, our lives are ultimately defined by our actions. Where we put our energy and time becomes our legacy. If our actions attend solely to the immediate, we create a legacy we live to regret.
I recently spoke with a man about his impending retirement. He looked forward to finally settling down to being a dad. Given that his children were 39 and 36 respectively, he worried that he might be too late. He knew the important had slipped by while he was attending to the immediate.
The answer? Have a clear vision of what is important—then plan for it. If spending time teaching your children about the truths of God is important, plan specific times in your day to teach your children.
If building intimacy with your spouse is important, set aside time to be alone together. Think about what you want your spouse to know and plan for moments to share those thoughts. Plan fun dates.
If staying close to a friend is important—reserve lunches, write letters, make time for phone calls.
These never seem immediate. They are easily pushed to the backburner thinking, “I’ll get to that later.” Because they are so important, we are sure we will. Yet, so often we don’t. The immediate just keeps coming—stealing moment after moment until we fall into bed resolving to do better tomorrow.
This morning I sat back in my rocker to continue my already too often interrupted time with God. If I had to choose, the flowers were going to die. The immediate would not rob the important again.
Fortunately, I was able to do both. In my time with God, He led me to set a priority of chatting with my daughter. I asked her to come onto the porch with me, and she noticed the plants. She loves watering so we spent the next half hour happily chatting and watering together. Choose the important. Once in place, you’ll find a way to get to the immediate, too. Even the flowers will survive.
