- When children are being children. Children haven't yet lived the range of experiences you have. They don't know how to negotiate social situations or accurately assess choices. We don't punish when they act out of childish ignorance.
- We don't punish because a child's act inconvenienced, embarrassed, or put us in an uncomfortable spot. Just because child asks a question we can't answer, we don't punish. Just because child repeated a remark we made that we now regret, we don't punish. Just because child's plan for learning drums means the pots aren't on hand, we don't punish. We might have a discussion about a better choice. We explain what we would like to see instead. But, we don't punish. They didn't disobey--they merely acted in a way we didn't anticipate and don't know how to handle. We figure out how to handle rather than wreaking vengeance.
- We don't punish because we're tired, overwhelmed, or stressed. Too often, especially in homes where both parents work, both parents are strained to the limit. The best energy, attention, and emotion get expended for the person writing the pay check. We have only dregs to offer our family. When children demand more than this simply by needing our time or attention, we often snap. And punish. This is wrong. Our children deserve our best time, energy, emotion--not the leftovers. Parents must reserve their best for their family to avoid acting out of stress or tiredness. Don't let work become the excuse for being either a lazy parent or a wrongly punishing parent.
When to punish: Punishment should be given only when a child knows what he should do and refuses to do so. Punishment should be only a tool in the larger picture of guiding our children to live in unity with God--His love, His holiness, His righteousness. We focus on our child's heart--is her heart right with God. If not, we may need to educate. We may need to pray. We may need to punish an ongoing pattern of doing what she knows she shouldn't.
Our family has found that we boil punishment situations down to three:
- Punish when a child lies. Every time.
- Punish when a child fails to show respect--in attitude, voice, or action.
- Punish when a child disobeys a direct command or a standing rule.
That's it. That doesn't mean everything else goes. It just means we deal with other situations in different ways. With education. With prayer. With conversation about cause and effect.
When parents know when, and when not, to punish--we are freed to engage fully with our children. We are focused on which issues are their behavior and which are our own behavior. We are freed to delight in a daughter confiscating ordinary pots to create her own beautiful music.
This month’s topic: What guides you in punishing your child?
This month’s topic: What are your Lenten traditions?
Spring—sunshine, warmth, the chance to get outside and burn energy. Spring—the great rescuer of parents. After a winter shut inside to escape cold, damp, dreary days; Spring invites families to explore, engage, and escape the cabin fever for the great outdoors. But, once we get outside, what do we do?
Let’s face it—dreary days often lead to using the television as a babysitter so we can get things done. The upside—children are entertained while we get dinner, mop the floor, and make calls. The downside—an overdose of video (whether computer, video game, or movie) leads to passive kids. Kids who don’t know how to self-start with play. They need a little nudge. Spring can help.
- Plant a garden. Whether you go whole hog and plant rows of flowers or veggies or stay small with one large pot, gardens offer parents and children to engage together, learn together, and work together. Give your child a pot of their own or a row of their own. Go to the seed store to let them choose the plants they want to grow—a special flower for their own vase, a butterfly bush to watch their own butterflies, or a plant of their favorite veggie.
Digging, planting, and watering focus kid energy in a positive direction AND connect them to the project. They’ll be more likely to stick with the project. Further, they’ll likely help you with your portion of the garden!
As you prepare the soil, choose the seeds, and teach them how to plant—conversation grows. You’ll be amazed how much more you might learn about your child as you work alongside each other.
- Set up a sports area. Sure community sports teams offer a variety of experiences, great teaching, and the benefits of being part of a team. Yet, they so often pull families apart. Instead of Dad throwing the ball to his child in the backyard, we pay a coach to throw the ball. Deep connection and good memories get lost. Further, the overloaded schedule of practices and games for multiple children can mean family connection gets lost. One summer when we had three children in soccer, we routinely missed our oldest child’s games because the younger two were playing on different fields at different locations—not the scenario any of us wanted.
Get the benefits of both. Use the community sports opportunities for the benefits they offer, but have your own sports area in the backyard. Use garage sales to get equipment to span the ages. Find games family can do together—hopscotch, badminton, soccer, bocce ball all make great choices for young to old, skilled to unskilled. Setting up the area means parents and children alike can simply go outside and get started without a lot of preparation or guidance. Children learn the skills of working together in the family. Bonds grow as you play together. Everyone gets healthier.
- Explore community treasures. With gas prices rising and budgets shrinking, focus on the unique attractions of your community. Warming temperatures afford the opportunity to take the family to the local cave, park, or outdoor concert. Locate a guide for local festivals and special attractions. Let the children choose their event of the week or month. Together you build family memories, use stored energy from the winter, and you build stronger connections within your community.
The dreary days of winter are waning! Let Spring begin!
This month’s topic: What do you think?
"Mommy, Mommy--come here!"
It would have been easy to refuse. Madly punching numbers into the calculator, I had reached midpoint of tracing the convoluted mess of numbers in our checkbook to find the balance. Stopping now meant losing that train of thought. But, the excitement in her voice drew me to her.
"Look at this sunrise! Do you see the purple? Look at that pink! I love how the color goes from red to pink to orange to blue to purple, don't you? And, look over there! Do you see those clouds?"
On and on she went describing the sky, the clouds, and the unfolding landscape. My little six-year-old used words such as "vivid, subtle, and flowing." Where did she get those? Where did she get this eye for detail? This sense of wonder?
As a home schooling mom--when someone mentions something my children need to learn, I so often first focus on "What curriculum would teach that?" or "What book do I need to get?"
Yet again, my children are teaching me the most valuable lessons. This morning's lesson? Pay attention to your children. To cultivate a sense of wonder, of desire for beauty, of appreciating the treasures God lays at our door--we don't need a curriculum or book. I simply need to take interest when my daughter wants to describe something beautiful.
My interests tells her:
It would have been easy to refuse. Madly punching numbers into the calculator, I had reached midpoint of tracing the convoluted mess of numbers in our checkbook to find the balance. Stopping now meant losing that train of thought. But, the excitement in her voice drew me to her.
"Look at this sunrise! Do you see the purple? Look at that pink! I love how the color goes from red to pink to orange to blue to purple, don't you? And, look over there! Do you see those clouds?"
On and on she went describing the sky, the clouds, and the unfolding landscape. My little six-year-old used words such as "vivid, subtle, and flowing." Where did she get those? Where did she get this eye for detail? This sense of wonder?
As a home schooling mom--when someone mentions something my children need to learn, I so often first focus on "What curriculum would teach that?" or "What book do I need to get?"
Yet again, my children are teaching me the most valuable lessons. This morning's lesson? Pay attention to your children. To cultivate a sense of wonder, of desire for beauty, of appreciating the treasures God lays at our door--we don't need a curriculum or book. I simply need to take interest when my daughter wants to describe something beautiful.
My interests tells her:
- beauty matters--if I had kept to the bills when she wanted to describe the sky, lesson would have been that beauty matters far less than bills. My interest says, "It's worth putting away the bills to gaze upon beauty."
- your interests matter--by pulling away to come when she calls, I hope she learned that what matters to her matters to me. I pray that encourages her to follow and explore her interests.
- your expressions matter--her blossoming vocabulary gets its chance to shine when I listen. The longer I listened--the more eloquent and detailed she became. When children get to narrate what they see--they take more in. As they describe the details--the details take hold in their minds. This develops a mind for beauty that no book describing the rudiments of beauty can match.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
This morning I lost it. Really lost it. I actually threw my brush while letting out an "ARRRRRRRRRG" that I'm sure Princess Kate heard across the pond. Stomping and muttering under my breath while throwing anything in my path out of my way--I caught my reflection in the mirror and realized I was doing a fairly good impression of a 2-year-old's temper tantrum.
The cause? I couldn't find a black sock.
Seriously.
I had fielded questions regarding my husband's disability, covered the atrocities of slavery with our history lesson, returned several phone calls regarding speaking deadlines, and put dinner in the crockpot. The paperwork needed refiling due to a clerical error at the insurance office, the children asked agonizing question of how our country allowed slavery, the speaking took renegotiating, and the chicken going into the crockpot landed first on the floor. All this I took in stride. The black sock put me under.
It's the little things.
Sure, it's the little things that put me under. But God says I have to be faithful in the little things to be trusted with more. Matthew 25:21. He knows the little things offer a mirror of where my heart really resides. I can buck up to handle a big crisis, but when little things come along, I let down my guard.
It's then that I, and everyone else, can see what's really in my heart. A nagging selfishness that want's its way in all things. In the little things I show my desperate need for Jesus to save me from this selfishness that is always ready to rear it's ugly head. How I handle the little things offers ongoing teaching and example for my children--either for the good or the bad. The little things show who I really am.
On seeing my reflection, I took myself in hand and asked Jesus yet again to take away the selfishness in me that expects the universe to orient itself in such a way that I can always find what I want when I want it. I asked Him to fill the part of my heart that can't deal with lost socks. I asked Him to be my Savior yet again.
It's the little things that keep bringing me to the foot of the cross and recognizing my need for Him in every part of my life. Thank God for the little things.
The cause? I couldn't find a black sock.
Seriously.
I had fielded questions regarding my husband's disability, covered the atrocities of slavery with our history lesson, returned several phone calls regarding speaking deadlines, and put dinner in the crockpot. The paperwork needed refiling due to a clerical error at the insurance office, the children asked agonizing question of how our country allowed slavery, the speaking took renegotiating, and the chicken going into the crockpot landed first on the floor. All this I took in stride. The black sock put me under.
It's the little things.
Sure, it's the little things that put me under. But God says I have to be faithful in the little things to be trusted with more. Matthew 25:21. He knows the little things offer a mirror of where my heart really resides. I can buck up to handle a big crisis, but when little things come along, I let down my guard.
It's then that I, and everyone else, can see what's really in my heart. A nagging selfishness that want's its way in all things. In the little things I show my desperate need for Jesus to save me from this selfishness that is always ready to rear it's ugly head. How I handle the little things offers ongoing teaching and example for my children--either for the good or the bad. The little things show who I really am.
On seeing my reflection, I took myself in hand and asked Jesus yet again to take away the selfishness in me that expects the universe to orient itself in such a way that I can always find what I want when I want it. I asked Him to fill the part of my heart that can't deal with lost socks. I asked Him to be my Savior yet again.
It's the little things that keep bringing me to the foot of the cross and recognizing my need for Him in every part of my life. Thank God for the little things.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
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