This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
Yet, as special as those events can be--all too often they can lead to meltdowns. Tantrums, crying spells, extra fighting--and that's just the parents. What can we do to keep the "special" in special events?
Children (and parents) misbehave most often when they are tired, hungry, or out of their routine. The key to preserving the joy of family events is to think ahead for each of these.
Aim to keep family members rested. Whether the family attends a special concert or a neighborhood party, special events tend to go past bedtimes. With darkness descending ever earlier--the toll is even greater. When parents know that evening's activities will likely keep children up too late, including a rest in the daily schedule may be the key to preserving the evening fun.
For younger children--even those who have stopped napping, an hour in bed reading can keeps the energy going when special events run late. For older children, figure out what rejuvenates them and include in the family routine. Some need time to take a run or walk, others need quiet moments in their room, while others simply need a conversation with Mom or a friend to be ready to take on the world. As you intentionally make these part of the day, you build the energy to help them cope with the drains of the season.
Aim to prevent hunger. Special events often center on food--but the timing can be very different than your home meal schedule. A package of cheese crackers or baggie of almonds can make all the difference. When children, or spouse, starts getting grumpy because their stomach is growling and the host won't serve food for another hour--pull out the reserve snacks and head off melt-downs.
Aim to preserve routine. The thing about special events? They're . . .special. Out of the ordinary. Out of the routine. Children thrive on routine. Routine offers security, predictability, and signals for how to act. Deprived of these--children can feel like they are in a metaphorical free-fall. Not the best feeling for inducing good behavior.
We can help by offering the benefits of routine--even when routine is missing. Before going into Grandma's for the family party or the concert hall, remind children of behavioral expectations: use manners, give adults the seats and sit on the floor, listen to others, etc. If children only see family members at Christmas, offer reminders as to who they will see and how they are connected. You might also offer interesting details that allow your children to connect. Let children know how long you will be there and what to expect during the event.
Just as important--keep your December calendar in front of you at all times. When a friend calls to invite you for a neighborhood gathering, check the calendar. Don't just look to see if you are booked. Look to see how many other nights are booked. Preserve nights to be home and rest. You can even take the time to block out nights at the beginning of the month to ensure time at home.
Tis the season to enjoy family, friends, and special events. By remembering the triggers for misbehavior and preparing ahead, we can help keep the "special" in special events. We trade tears and tantrums for wonderful family memories.
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure the days with your children?
“Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. . . “ Psalm 100:4
Thanksgiving may be the best holiday of the year. No gifts to buy, no pressure to create a certain experience, no special plays or musicals—simply a day to gather together and give thanks. More—we can use the season to teach our children the fundamentals of entering God’s presence.
The Psalmist wrote, “Enter His gates with thanksgiving.” We come into God’s presence as we give thanks. Gratitude, contentment, and thankfulness are the hallmarks of a child of God. Instilling this trait in our children not only makes them much more pleasant people with whom to live, it forms their character to seek and see God.
How can Thanksgiving season help us focus on this trait?
- Read: Find great books about the Pilgrims and take this month to read together. For example Down Ryton Water by E.R. Gaggin and Drew Thurston tells the full story of the journey from England to Holland to Plymouth. A little tough in the language, its detail brings the struggle and the spirit of the people to life. Contentment breeds contentment. As we read of the Pilgrims’ ability to be thankful in the midst of so much hardship, our own gratitude grows.
- Record: Find a way to daily give thanks throughout the month. One of our favorite family traditions is to cut “leaves” out of different colors of construction paper. Each night at dinner each member of the family writes (or someone writes for them) the thing they are thankful for from the day. We then tape them to the windows. Over the month our home is filled with fall color. On Thanksgiving—we read each leaf. Sure, it takes some time—but the time it takes reinforces how very much God has blessed us in both big and small ways. Other families have a thankfulness journal. Still others simply pray their gratitude out loud each night. Find a way to record your blessings, and your heart toward God will grow.
- Reach out: God blesses us so that we share those blessings with others. When we intentionally create times for our family to serve others, we enlarge both our capacity to give thanks and our compassion for God’s world. Serve at a food bank, deliver meals to shut-ins, reach out to the lonely and elderly in your church. Using a season that focuses on blessings to bless others marks us as God’s children.
Other holidays have had their Christian message greatly diluted by secularism. Thanksgiving remains untainted. We enter God’s gates as we give thanks. May this be a month where your family grows in gratitude and in the experience of coming into God’s presence.
This month’s topic: How do you develop thankfulness?
This month’s topic: What do you think? What are your current favorites?
We know when our blow-ups are wrong. We know the damage they cause. We so often fear our own reactions because they seem to come from out of the blue--wreaking havoc, hurting those we love.
At the same time--at our core--we know we're right. Often, our anger is justified. Our children have done the very things we've spent so much time teaching against--hurting others; hurting us. How do we find the balance? How do we justifiably react to what is wrong without giving in to an anger that only damages.
Dr. S. M. Davis, pastor and consultant on family issues, calls parental anger the Number 1 destroyer of Godly families. If he's right, we must find a better way. Three keys for dealing with anger can show us that better way. The keys can be summed up in the phrase coined by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting, "Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing."
Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we're angry--there's a reason. God gives people emotions as tools for sensing the deeper layers of life going on around us. When we feel angry, that's the signal that something needs to be addressed.
Scripture teaches that we must first examine our own life. Matthew 7:3-5 Is the issue that needs addressing coming from within? When we try to parent on minimal sleep and no breakfast, we can find ourselves blowing up over relatively minor infractions. Between staying up all night with sick children, encouraging our spouses through job stresses and managing a household--frustrations can mount. Our anger over child's behavior may have less to do with child and more with our need for a nap. Even further, when we are stressed by relationship issues, job issues, or financial issues--our nerves wear to a frazzle making it easy to snap at our children. When we pause to examine whether the issues our anger signals lie within us, we find ways to deal with the issues without snapping at the children.
Once we've examined our own lives, we are then in a position to examine our child's. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we become angry that our child won't concentrate on his work or keeps hitting his sister or back-talks when we give instructions--the anger is right. God has given our child a job of school. When child refuses to settle down and work, he is rebelling against God. When he hits his sister, he's rebelling against God's command to love others sacrificially. When he responds poorly to you, he's rebelling against the authority God has placed in his life. Our frustration with these behaviors rightly points us to heart issues that must be addressed.
Anger is a terrible tool for fixing what is wrong. James 1:2 says, "Man's anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires." Our anger won't bring about righteousness in our children. This is the source of our confusion. We are rightly angry, but that anger can't bring about righteousness. So, when we act in anger, we fail to follow God's direction in dealing with the situation which means we are now as in the wrong as our child. Hence the guilt. Hence the havoc wreaked when we blow up.
Instead, we need to allow the anger to signal when a situation needs addressing. Then, we need to address by getting on our knees and asking God for guidance in dealing with our child's heart. James 4 tells us that if we seek getting our way, we will have quarrels and fights. But, if we seek God's wisdom, He will give it.
Sometimes He gives the wisdom right away. We know that the hitting shows a lack of love for sister that violates God's command to love. We can take son aside and say, "Son, what in your heart is causing you to hit your sister?" As he shares his frustration that she keeps taking his pencils or does better than him at his math, you can offer, "I'm sure that is frustrating. She isn't treating you well. But, how does God want us to treat those who are hurting us?" Then comes the very concrete lessons of loving those who hurt us, finding Godly ways to share frustration rather than giving in to sin, or taking the time to see from another's perspective--the real discipleship of home schooling lived out in the scenes of our life, daily.
The key is refusing to use anger to resolve the situation but instead using God's word. If you need help knowing where to find His direction for a specific situation, I love Kara Durbin's Parenting with Scripture. She categorizes scripture based on heart attitude. Incredibly helpful resource.
Focus on the hearts. When we develop the habit of letting our anger inform us of situations that need our attention but deal with those out of God's word bathed in our patience, gentleness, firmness, and love--we stop blowing up. The pattern moves from us living a guilt-ridden roller coaster of costly interactions with our children to a pattern of God's word shaping our relationships. Our focus moves from the outer behavior to the heart.
Our children's behavior gives a clear mirror of the activity of their hearts. So does ours. When we focus on the hearts--ours and our child's--we open our hearts to seek God's reign in everything. We let His word shape and mold us. We become the people of God we long to be.
As parents--we get angry. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing. As we use our anger to take note of issues we need to address but God's word as the tool, we take our families from damaged to healthy.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
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