As a former
attorney, I’m always interested in current cases. Two recently shocked me—for
very different reasons.
The first: Ohio's Butler County Prosecutor recently sued Punxsutawney Phil for false advertisement of an early spring. Saying Phil "committed a felony against the peace and dignity of the state of Ohio;" Ohioans demanded Phil's execution. As a winter-dreader, I enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek
expression of fellow frustration with the winter that never seems to end. The
case made me laugh.
The second
made me cry. A couple engaged a surrogate mother to carry their baby. The young
woman had significant financial issues which the hefty surrogate fee would help
address. When prenatal testing indicated issues in the baby, the couple offered
to pay the woman $10,000 to abort. When she refused, they sued. Already
financially strapped, the young woman faced both pregnancy alone and the
expense of a lawsuit.
How could
this happen?
As John
Stonestreet says, “We become what we worship. Our culture worships stuff. So,
people have become stuff.” Stuff you can return if not satisfied. Stuff you can
reject for defects. Stuff you can throw away. People are not supposed to be
equivalent to stuff—yet all too often people are treated as if they are. For this couple, their baby was an item to dispose of because she didn't meet expectations. So, was the surrogate mother.
We can hope
this experience persuades the couple never to try to have children again. Nature
made the right call when it denied them a baby of their own. But, there are
millions more in our culture who think of children as possessions--items geared for the couple's happiness and fulfillment. Should children fail in this--children should be disposed of.
Our methods of disposal vary. This couple chose execution of their child. While many would be shocked at even the mention of executing Punxsutawney Phil; they barely blink at this notion. Others simply send their child away--to school, to after school programs, to summer camp. Now please hear me. I know many parents use these services as opportunities to grow their children and readily engage with these institutions to make this happen. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the parents who use these as a means of getting their children out of their hair because the children don't satisfy.
As parents we have a sacred
trust—to treat our children as gifts from God, people made in His image and for
His purposes—not ours. This means we focus our time, energy, and thoughts on engaging with our children to help them become the images of God they were made to be. At times we engage others to help us in this process; but we, the parents, remain primarily responsible--because our children are gifts and priorities, not disposable stuff. More, we bear the burden of convincing those around us
of this truth. If we do this well, perhaps we will have only suits against poor
rodents for miscalculation on the weather and can simply laugh.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
Why do we call our child back to wipe the crumbs from the counter after they finished cleaning the kitchen? Why do we insist they go back outside and return the lids to the trashcans? Why do we ask them to change the dog's water--not just fill the bowl to the top?
When we ask our children to do the whole job, we teach them to work with all their heart at everything. Sometimes it's tempting to settle for a half-hearted effort from our children. We can tell ourselves, "At least they put the food in the fridge and the dishes in the dish washer. I guess I should be happy with that." But, letting our children get by with the minimum builds into them a habit of doing as little as possible. That's not God's standard.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Getting close gets attention. We live in a world where people receive more than 800 messages a day. From tweets to billboards to Facebook to texts to school lectures, our children are inundated with people talking at them. With so much going on, people default to tuning out unless something grabs their attention. It's a sheer defense mechanism against the onslaught of communication. When Mom or Dad walks up to their child or calls child to come to them, this signals, "It's time to tune in and listen to me."
- Getting close implies importance. When a parent takes the time and energy to walk to a child and ask for their child's attention, child perks up. She realizes Mom or Dad must truly care about what they are going to say. This prepares our child to listen.
- Getting close helps parents read their children. We gain insight as to whether this is a good time to give the instruction, whether our child understands, and whether our child respectfully responds to us. We go beyond simply barking out orders to engaging in a relationship with our child.
No parents likes to continually feel as if what he or she says bounces off our child into oblivion. We want to be heard. Getting close helps. As we get physically close, we connect with our child. That leads to more cooperation on the tasks. . .and to more emotional closeness as well.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Words of affirmation--does he light up when payed a compliment or receives a note? Be sure to spend extra time picking the card or write a love letter describing what you treasure about him to include in his candy box.
- Gifts--does she save every tiny shell given on the beach or still have the locket from her 7th birthday? Taking the time to find a special gift will matter most to this person. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just a gift showing you know her tastes and current interests.
- Time--does he savor walks together or time on the couch just talking? Create a few coupons for special dates together. Put these on the calendar so he knows you intend to follow through.
- Physical touch--does she crave a back rub or holding hands? Again-coupons work well. This time prepare coupons for a massage or cuddle time and let her choose her time.
- Acts of service--if he remembers for weeks the filled gas tank or she the folded laundry, spend the days before and after Valentine's Day intentionally doing jobs that make your loved one's life easier. When they notice, give a kiss and say, "I hope that helps you know how special you are."
While the ones you love may enjoy all the above--be sure to include the expression of love that speaks most loudly to them. Then, you connect with the ones you love--and avoid the shrink's couch.
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
- Obey a direct instruction.
- Show respect to others.
- Don't lie.
These get enforced whether we are at home, at Grandma's, or in the grocery. The rest of life is treated as the situation warrants, but for these--life stops if the boundary is breached. Life remains on pause until the breach is rectified.
Further, everyone must follow these--parents included. In our home we've determined yelling shows disrespect, so everyone must find a calm, respectful manner of expressing our hurt or anger. We don't punish our children for yelling in anger but then yell ourselves. As we consistently enforce family rules no matter the situation or person involved, these principles shape the character of our family.
Consistency is counterproductive for consequences. When parents use the same consequences to deal with misbehavior time after time, the consequences begin to lose their effectiveness as a corrective. Familiarity makes the consequence something to endure rather than something that motivates a change in behavior. Children fall into a mindset of, "All I have to do is survive 10 minutes in time-out or 5 minutes of Mom yelling, then I can get back to my thing."
Parents make more impact if they have a variety of consequences to draw upon for correcting violations of the rules. This makes disciplining in public, between children of different personality types, and for differing levels of offense easier. When we trot out the same old punishment for every offence, we get stuck. If we know we can't use our one consequence here and now, we get stuck in letting child get away with disobedience. If we know our one consequence isn't impacting a particular child--we likewise get stuck in failure to draw them from actions that lead to bad character and toward behaviors that lead to good character. When we draw from a variety of options such as isolating child for a time, real-life impacts, scolding, loss of privileges, or some other way of penalizing child for disobedience--we can match the consequence to the situation and the child.
Does consistency matter? Yes! We need to consistently affirm the principles that shape our family life. But, we parent better when we have variety in consequences. When we look for options that reach our child's heart with the truth that their disobedience hurts both them and others around them, we create a context for change. Different children are motivated differently. Keep the same rules for all--but vary the consequence.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
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