"Scary, Mommy, scary!!" My daughter cringes as we scurry past a moaning skeleton whose fingers grasp at our grocery cart. Blood covered costumes line store aisles, scary masks peek from the shelves, eerie music plays over the speakers--just another October shopping trip. When children feel more fear than fun, how do parents keep the anxiety to a minimum?
Anticipate more fear. Though many children enjoy the thrill of being scared, many others find the season a little too creepy. Children up to about age six or seven have trouble separating what's real from fantasy. So, even if children seem fine in the store, displays have the potential to stay in children's heads and create fear later. If you notice your child hiding their eyes or helplessly transfixed on the scary mask or making more visits to your bed during the night, this may be the month to let them stay home while you shop.
The scenes aren't confined just to stores. Our children also see scary decorations in yards and may have friends who relish showing off their new gargoyle mask with the spike through the eye. Simply being in tune with how your child is coping and quickly separating them if the atmosphere becomes too overwhelming will head off nightmares and anxiety that last long after Halloween is over.
Focus on fun. Fall fills the senses--from colorful trees to the smell of a bonfire to leaves crunching underfoot. If your children exhibit anxiety, turning their focus to the beauty of fall can work wonders. Painting funny faces on pumpkins or creating a fall scene with different gourds can add beauty to your home and give children a chance to actively participate in a non-threatening fall activity. Hayrides, corn mazes, and fall campouts are other ways to enjoy fall beauty.
Silly costumes divert attention to the fun. Children love to dress up. Amidst all the scary options are super heroes, princesses, and their favorite cartoon characters. Providing costumes to match our child's latest love allows him or her to join the fun of dress-up without enduring the grotesque and takes the focus from fearful to fun.
Explore alternatives. For parents of children who are especially sensitive or parents who would rather avoid the Halloween scene altogether, a variety of churches and community groups offer alternative parties with special themes that avoid anything scary. Check local papers for notices of fun alternatives that side-step the creepy altogether.
Fall offers beauty, excitement, and a variety of activities not available any other season--it's no time to hide away. If parents pay attention to how children experience all they are seeing, we can turn fall from a season of fear to a season of fun.
This month’s topic: What are your favorite fall activities?
Soccer, drama, piano, Algebra club, Boy Scouts, Girls in Action—the activities available to our children astounds. For many families the motto is, “sign up early and often” to expose children to as many opportunities as possible. While each opportunity is good, families can soon find ourselves drowning in our schedule. How do parents take advantage of all the good available to our children while protecting family time and ties? Consider these signs that your family may be in over its head.
Skipping family dinners. By every measure—eating dinner together improves family life. Lower depression rates, lower drug usage, lower risky sexual behavior, better grades, and increased family ties all characterize children who regularly eat dinner with family. Cutting out family dinners to accommodate extracurricular activities may be a sign the activities are out of balance.
Options —set aside two sacrosanct days per week to eat dinner together. When soccer teams or piano teachers ask for those nights, simply reply that those nights are already booked. In our over-scheduled culture, most coaches/teachers will accept this without further inquiry. Even if you get push-back, sticking to these nights teaches our children that family takes priority over extra activities—an important lesson in itself.
—eat when you can. Whether everyone converges on Wendy’s® prior to scattering for the night’s activities or eats together at ten o’clock—set dinner when everyone can be together. Again, the effort to find a time teaches that we will protect family in the midst of activity.
Wearing soccer gear to church. When extra-curricular activities cause us to skip or compromise those priorities we claim are more important, we may be treading deep water. When two events clash, the one we choose signals which matters most. If we’re dashing from church to make a game, we may be signaling that sports counts more than faith. If that’s true—no problem. If we wouldn’t say that’s true, we need to avoid sending the wrong signal by choosing the top priority over the lesser with our time. Healthy families keep top priorities top.
Option—create a family priority list. When deciding whether to add a new activity, pause to ask, “What happens if child succeeds? Will any part of this commitment cause us to compromise on higher priorities?” If so, it may be better to take a pass.
With the range of options available, there will be opportunities which support, rather than compete with, family values. When our family found every night of the week devoted to a different child’s soccer practice and two parents consistently working to be at three different soccer fields in three different towns at the same time, we looked for another option. We found a karate program where all children (and even parents) attended the same night at the same time. We still got our sports fix, and we gained four nights to be together at home.
Replacing family fun with family frustration. Activities are supposed to enrich our lives. When they are at a healthy level, families enjoy going to practices, performances, and the overall experience of being part of the group. If the family emotion has gone from pleasure to panic, the tone from encouraging to bickering, and the pace from calm to frenetic—call the life guard. Impatience and frustration characterize overloaded families. When frustration replaces fun, it’s time to pare down.
Option—each has different limits. Know thyself. Discern the number of hours of outside involvement which allows your family to participate while maintaining an atmosphere of patience, enjoyment, and a sense of control over events, then set this as a hard limit. A good rule of thumb for younger children is two hours per week, for middle and high school students about six hours per week. This allows involvement in activity while preserving time for homework, family, and general downtime.
We want the best for our children, so we take advantage of every opportunity to expose them to the good stuff of life. Yet, we need to remember—the best stuff of life is simply being together as family. Finding the balance between individual activity and healthy home life is a constant challenge. A little attention to common warning signs can help keep family as the central priority while we enjoy the range of opportunities waiting to enrich our children’s lives.
This month’s topic: What activities does your family enjoy? How do you set limits?
Summer is winding down. For many families, school begins in just three weeks. How will you spend those last precious days together?
“What have you enjoyed most over the past year? “ Our family ponders this question every New Year’s Eve. A few years ago Mike and I were quite surprised by our children's answer. Though we typically don’t travel much, we had enjoyed the good fortune of a variety of big trips—Washington, D.C., the Florida coast, and the west.
The unanimous chorus of our children on the favorite event of the year? A tiny camping trip we had taken to a local state park. Though our children enjoyed the bigger trips, they cherished the downtime of being together and simply fishing a quiet lake, meandering through the woods, and telling stories around the campfire.
Whether your children head off to school or you homeschool, there is very little summer left. What great family moments still wait for you? It doesn’t have to be big. As the little boy in the movie, Up, declares, it’s the “boring” stuff that children often most enjoy.
Have you?
- Watched clouds in the sky
- Had a picnic in the park
- Caught lightning bugs
- Run through a sprinkler
- Enjoyed a drive-in movie
- Camped in the backyard
- Raced your child down a slide
- Played an all-night card tournament
- Gone fishing
- Attended an ethnic festival
- Watched a parade
- Enjoyed an free movie/play/concert at the park
- Roasted marshmallows over a fire
- Played flashlight tag
Between camps, sports training, large vacations, and outdoor chores—the fun of summer can get lost. Don’t let this one get away without enjoying some of the “boring stuff” that builds lifelong memories.
This month’s topic: What are your best memories of past summers?
“Mom—can you play, NOW?”
How often I hear those words! They are both a blessing—and a little bit of a curse. Of course I want to play with my children. Some of our best memories are created during the fun moments of the day. At the same time, there’s always work to do. If I take time to play a game on the floor, I see the laundry waiting to be folded. If I go outside to swing, I see the garden needs weeding. Yet, working to make a home for others but never sharing their lives is pretty pointless mothering. So, what’s a mom to do?
· Set a schedule. We’ve all heard, “Pick your battles.” This is great advice for balancing time spent on the housework with time spent engaging with children. At the beginning of the day—block out a time period for work and a time for play. Choose the most important tasks and complete those during work time. A deadline for completing house tasks often leads to more efficiency. At the same time, if you can let kiddos know that you will be available to play at a certain time (and you stick to it), they are more likely to let you work in peace. Focus on work during work time, then head to play time and treat it with the same priority as work (it’s just a lot more fun!). For some moms, just putting play on the list legitimizes the time rather than seeing it as a competition for the “real” work.
· Recruit the children. A wise mom once told me, “If mom is working while others are playing, something is very wrong.” If your children are over the age of three, they are ready to offer real help around the house. Sure, you have to stick with age appropriate expectations, but a four year old can fold socks, put clothes in drawers, and pick up toys. Reduce your workload and spend time with children by getting them to work with you.
Younger children should work in the same room as you so you can oversee their efforts. Older children can be assigned tasks on their own. Again, if you make clear, “We’re going to work until 11:00 on (specify tasks), then enjoy some time together” chances are you’ll get cooperation. Even better—have children contribute to the list of what needs done and plan who will do what part. Their ownership increases productivity. Children learn how to cooperate with each other, develop an understanding for all you do, and appreciate the playtime much more.
· Leave the house. I’ve found that leaving the house substantially increases my enjoyment of time with my children. Whether we head to the pool or park, I can concentrate on them rather than that crumb covered counter or ringing phone. Focus on destinations that are child proof, easy to navigate, and encourage togetherness rather than separation and you’ll have a series of fun outings that build great playtime memories.
“Mom, can you play now?” With a little planning, you can say “Yes! Let’s go!” and engage in some of the most treasured moments of the day.
This month’s topic: How do you create balance between the roles you carry?
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Do you want an innovative way to connect with your children while teaching life lessons? Plant a garden. Sure, you’ll get either beautiful floral center pieces for your table or fresh veggies for the fridge. More importantly, gardens provide the opportunity to explore the nature of relationships in a way few other endeavors can match. Gardens teach:
· Good takes time. Machines deliver instant results, so it’s for children to believe that all good things come at the flick of a switch. Machines may deliver instant results; people take time. So do gardens.
You plant a seed; nothing happens—for days. When the sprout finally emerges, weeks pass before it becomes a recognizable plant. The first bud or bite can take more than a month. While we’re waiting to bite into that first juicy tomato, we can help our children understand that people likewise take time. That gross boy from math class is on his way to witty and caring; that stuck up girl will become a compassionate nurse. We just need to wait for them to blossom.
· Good needs tending. Watering, weeding, fertilizing, pruning are key to healthy gardens and relationships. Our children get the excitement of welcoming a baby sister or meeting a new friend. Grasping how much work must go into keeping this relationship going is more elusive. They are going to have water their relationships with time and fertilize with care and concern. They will have to weed out bad habits and prune away distractions. As they learn to tend gardens, they learn to tend relationships.
· Some relationships die. No matter how carefully a gardener tries, some plants die. So do some relationships. It’s heartbreaking. It seems like such a waste to have spent time and effort on something that never bore fruit, yet it happens with gardens and people. No matter how much we care and work, it dies. Learning to replant the cucumbers and try again is great practice for choosing to pursue relationships even after a beloved friend has cut off contact or faded away.
· The harvest is worth it. As you enjoy the color of your flowers or a juicy strawberry dessert, children learn the work is worth the effort. Just as with gardens, there are moments where we can doubt that the time with brothers or best friends is worth it. But, then you have that glorious afternoon playing together or that long talk that reminds you how special this person is to you. In the moments of harvest we enjoy the fruit of our labor and gain momentum to keep going. Whether you plant enough beds to feed your family or a single tomato plant in a pot on the deck, tending a garden can teach your children life lessons they can’t learn anywhere else. So, grab your gloves and a hoe and get digging.
This month’s topic: What are your favorite garden memories with your children?
