Sobs come through the door before my daughter ever gets it open. As I run to see which arm is broken, she collapses in my arms. "Honey! What in the world is the matter?" I begin feeling for sprains and looking for gushing blood.
"Halley won't go in the cage," she sobs. Seriously? 
I pull her face from my shoulder and gaze into absolutely overwhelmed eyes. Understanding dawns. The dog is twice daughter's size. To describe her as rambunctious would be kind. As daughter's cries die away she explained that she wanted to put Halley away for the night as a favor for big brother. Her plan backfired horribly as the dog ran rings around her rather than simply walk into the cage. Result--overwhelmed child.
Ever see that "deer in the head lights" look in your son's face? Hear the moans coming from daughter's room? Our children too often feel absolutely overwhelmed by life. By demands of classes, by ridiculous expectations from friends, by an overly critical eye turned on themselves. How can we help?
Define the problem. Overwhelmed generally comes from that vague sense of impending doom. The very vagueness increases the sense of powerlessness. Defining the problem helps.
This can take a while. Verbal children often have to talk through an issues. As daughter talks in circles--she gets out the emotion, the layers, the confusion. Slowly the underlying issues emerges. 
More experiential son has to pace or hammer to process his thoughts. As he physically punches an object, his brain punches out the layers of problem until he has a complete picture.
However your child operates, when overwhelmed sets in--set aside time to simply let your child vent. As he does, repeat back what you hear him saying. Hearing his own words, son can hone in on the pattern of conduct or emotions that form the crux of the issue. Once the problem is defined, he can begin to develop a strategy.
Define the goal. Understanding the issues behind the overwhelmed enables both parents and children to then define the answer to the issue. Once daughter expressed all her anger at the dog's antics, at the time it took to do a simple job, at the frustration of being too little--she finally defined the goal: to help her big brother. Knowing the goal leads to creating a plan.
Define the plan. A plan gives children focus and a sense of control--two great weapons against vague doom. When child's goal is to get on top a heavy school load, a written schedule for study time helps child regain a sense that she can succeed. When child's goal is to reconnect with a friend who's grown distant, a plan to write a letter, hold a sleepover, or invite for a day gives child hope that relationships can be mended. When child's goal is to help big brother with his chores, a plan to carry the water for the dog rather than attempt to wrestle an animal twice her size offers the chance to succeed.
Life overwhelms. As we work with our children to define problems, goals, and plans we teach our children the skills for handling all life will throw at them. Even rambunctious dogs.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' above to discuss this month's topic.

"Your attitude should be the same as Christ Jesus." Philippians 2:5. I finish morning prayer time filled with a sense of peace and joy. Heading to the kitchen to make breakfast, I hear the children stir. Then clash. Then howl.
I run up the stairs to assess the damage only to find sibling crouched over sibling, full brawl ensuing. Before I explode, the verse from my devotion blares in my mind--"Your attitude should be the same as Jesus." Feeling less peaceful and joy-filled, I'm also a little more sarcastic in mental response wondering exactly WHAT Jesus' attitude would be to children who can't even get out of bed without fighting.
Deep breath. Short prayer. Pause to ask, "Jesus, what would Your attitude be?" I know this is a test--did I really get what God was saying? Was my peace real or a facade? Can I truly walk through life as Jesus did? The command is that I must. My family provides God's school for bringing lessons to life--giving opportunities to practice. Today's lesson--"Your attitude should be the same as Christ Jesus." Lord, save me from myself and show me the way to be like You--even in attitude.
Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

"I don't want to grow up!" My daughter sobbed on my shoulder. Not sure where this meltdown was coming from, I took her into my arms for a cuddle.
"I want to stay seven. I don't want to leave first grade. I don't want to do multiplication. I don't want to grow up!"
Boy, if I could give her that wish--I'd grant it in a New York minute. Truth be told, I don't want her to grow up either. I don't want her to give up her childish wonder, her desire to cuddle, her love of teddy bears who are absolutely real to her. I'm amazed that, at seven, she even has an appreciation that moving on sometimes means giving up. How do I respond?
We can't stop time. We can only teach our children that time matters--so grab it.
"Honey, if you want to hang on to seven--then you need to take every day and give thanks for it. When you play with your teddy bears--really enjoy your teddy bears. When a friend comes to play, don't waste the time squabbling over turns or hurt feelings--instead, enjoy every moment with your friend. As you do your school, enjoy today's assignments. If you fully engage in each moment--then, you will be able to hold on to seven."
Not exactly the answer she wanted. She wanted all-powerful mom to wave a wand and promise she could keep the life she loves. I can't do that. I can only encourage her to love the life she has.
To give thanks in each moment. To pay attention. To not waste now with complaining or selfishness or worry. Perhaps in this, every moment becomes one she wants to hold on to. A life at every stage that she doesn't want to leave. What better gift can a parent give a child?

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' above to discuss this month's topic.

As tornadoes tore through our area, a young mom headed to the basement clutching her 4-year-old. Before she could return to help her parents down the stairs, a tornado hit the house. The force tore her child from her arms.
Home gone. Parents gone. Son gone. Two minutes--max. Life completely unraveled.
As I tried to wrap my mind around such grief, I clutched my own children more tightly. Each day I fearfully watched the sky for signs of storms--edgy, scared, clutching.
How do we find that sweet spot between urgency and apathy? Between the fear-induced need to hold children a bit too tightly and the careless numbness that allows shared time pass without the wonder due each moment. How do we learn to squeeze the most out of every interaction without sucking the life from those around us?
Choose to engage. We can stop apathy by refusing to live with half our mind on a to-do list and half our mind on our child's conversation. We can stop believing the lie that multi-tasking makes us more efficient. We can stop putting off for later what is offered now.
Instead, we can choose to fully listen--going for more than the point. Focusing on the nuances, the humor, the amazing reasoning of our child's mind. We can take one task at a time and do it, only it, reveling in the joy of a work well done. We can live in the realization that life changes quickly, often without notice, so grab what is offered when it is offered.
Choose faith, not fear. So often, we slide into urgency out of fear. Fear comes from the Enemy. An enemy that cheats even the good moments with dread for what might happen next. Though we will face events that at times overwhelm, confuse, or numb--we also live knowing that they never surprise God. They are never out of the Father's control. If we live in the confidence that every day is planned by a loving, all-powerful Father, we don't live in dread. We rest in the confidence that when the bad comes, so will the provision.
Somewhere between urgency and apathy we find a way to live fully in each moment while trusting the coming moments to God. I pray for the mama who lost so much. To keep these prayers from ringing hollow, I also live grateful for all that I have rather than treat cavalierly all she would love to get back.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

A couple of days ago, my Your Family Matters post on Facebook was: "Great Moments in Parenting--Last night I'm making supper and can't find a pot to steam veggies to save my life. Not in dishwasher, cupboard, or on counter. In a hurry, I improvise. Later, as I go upstairs to tuck littlest in bed, I hear a rhythmic beat. You got it. All the pots are in her bed, and she's drumming to beat the band. Evidently, practiced all afternoon. Big points for creativity!"
I posted this as a funny moment in parenting. A comment shocked me.
One mom congratulated me on not punishing my daughter. She remarked that she knew many parents who would have seen the behavior as mischievous and punished. Really?!!
Though I often work with parents who don't understand how, when, or where to punish children and so choose to let their children run amok; equally concerning are parents who punish too much.
When not to punish:

• When children are being children. Children haven't yet lived the range of experiences you have. They don't know how to negotiate social situations or accurately assess choices. We don't punish when they act out of childish ignorance.

• We don't punish because a child's act inconvenienced, embarrassed, or put us in an uncomfortable spot. Just because child asks a question we can't answer, we don't punish. Just because child repeated a remark we made that we now regret, we don't punish. Just because child's plan for learning drums means the pots aren't on hand, we don't punish. We might have a discussion about a better choice. We explain what we would like to see instead. But, we don't punish. They didn't disobey--they merely acted in a way we didn't anticipate and don't know how to handle. We figure out how to handle rather than wreaking vengeance.

• We don't punish because we're tired, overwhelmed, or stressed. Too often, especially in homes where both parents work, both parents are strained to the limit. The best energy, attention, and emotion get expended for the person writing the pay check. We have only dregs to offer our family. When children demand more than this simply by needing our time or attention, we often snap. And punish. This is wrong. Our children deserve our best time, energy, emotion--not the leftovers. Parents must reserve their best for their family to avoid acting out of stress or tiredness. Don't let work become the excuse for being either a lazy parent or a wrongly punishing parent.

When to punish: Punishment should be given only when a child knows what he should do and refuses to do so. Punishment should be only a tool in the larger picture of guiding our children to live in unity with God--His love, His holiness, His righteousness. We focus on our child's heart--is her heart right with God. If not, we may need to educate. We may need to pray. We may need to punish an ongoing pattern of doing what she knows she shouldn't.

Our family has found that we boil punishment situations down to three:

• Punish when a child lies. Every time.
• Punish when a child fails to show respect--in attitude, voice, or action.
• Punish when a child disobeys a direct command or a standing rule.

That's it. That doesn't mean everything else goes. It just means we deal with other situations in different ways. With education. With prayer. With conversation about cause and effect.

When parents know when, and when not, to punish--we are freed to engage fully with our children. We are focused on which issues are their behavior and which are our own behavior. We are freed to delight in a daughter confiscating ordinary pots to create her own beautiful music.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Email recipients can click the title to access web page to leave your comments. Click on 'comments' above to discuss this month's topic.