- Routinely repeating yourself to get your children to listen?
- Scolding your children for talking over you?
- Yelling because children failed to do what you asked?
If you answered yes, you may have a "listening" problem. Most parents can relate. We talk--but it seems nobody listens.
We repeat. We search for ways to make our children pay attention. But, all too often we settle for simply being annoyed because we have bought into "it's just kids being kids." We need to take this listening thing more seriously. When our children develop a habit of listening carefully, they not only relate better to us--they are enabled to hold onto the truths of God.
"Therefore, consider carefully how you listen." Jesus offers this warning just after He explained the parables of the Sower and the Seed and the Lamp on a Stand to His confused disciples. Jesus cautions the disciples that listening is critical to receiving from God. Those who listen carefully, receive more. Those who fail to do so have anything they have received taken away.
Little habits have great impact. My children have sweet hearts, sunny dispositions, and generous spirits--all received from God. Because we have a large family with many eager voices, all too often I let slide the talking over one another. Because we have competing agendas and busy schedules, all too often I overlook the failure to heed my instructions. But, every time I do that, I normalize failing to listen carefully. I normalize instead the very trait Jesus warned could cost my children what they have already received.
I need to normalize listening carefully. I need to:
- Refuse to engage in a pattern of repeating myself.
- Consistently enforce the rule that when one person is speaking, others are silent. And, attentively listening.
- Train my children to heed an instruction given the first time rather than waiting for the repeat, or worse, the yell.
Most of all I need to take my children to God's Word and point them to how seriously Jesus takes attentive listening. I need to impress the importance of practicing this in our home so we are ready to carefully listen to God. Then, our children will not only keep their sweet hearts, sunny dispositions, and generous spirits--God will continue to pour Himself into them because, through choosing to listen carefully to Him, they make Him the priority in their lives.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
Our
family recently finished a book on the Lewis and Clark expedition. We were
amazed by the level of both hardship and beauty they encountered. I was
particularly convicted by the chapters describing the party's journey
negotiating a narrow ledge through the Rockies for several weeks--experiencing
bitter temperatures, slippery snow, and lack of food most of the way. As each
day's description unfolded, I kept
wondering, "How did they make it? Why didn't they just give
up?"
I suffer from a common malady. I too often assume that, if someone is on the right course, it should unfold before them. Obstacles should clear; blessings fall. History teaches that it so often doesn't work that way. The soldiers at Valley Forge, Christians who hid Jews in Europe, missionaries who took the gospel to foreign lands--all too often these faced overwhelming circumstances and I'm sure questioned, "Why not just give up?" But, they didn't. And their efforts achieved greatness--in spite of, or perhaps because of, the hardship.
I want my children to learn these lessons of history. Hardship doesn't mean you're on the wrong path or made the wrong choice. Sometimes hardship is a key element of the right choice. Rather than allowing my children to buy into the cultural attitude that life will simply fall into place, I want to train my children to make good choices, courageous choices, then be prepared for the hardships that might come.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
“You can be anything.”
“You can have it all.”
“Follow your dreams, and you will soar.”
Is there anything wrong when Christian parents adopt these phrases to encourage our children? Turns out—yes. These phrases not only create false assumptions for our children about how the world works—they reflect the very rebellion in Eden.
As a mom I want to encourage my children to dream big. To push themselves to excellence. I want them to be ready to serve God in endeavors that will come to surpass their knowledge or understanding. Yet, I’m also learning how often I have adopted a pattern of our culture that seems to encourage or empower our children but whose foundations actually work against the faith my husband and I are trying to instill in them.
Marjorie Thompson in her book, Soul Feast, helped me see the inherent false thinking behind these phrases that have become common in encouraging children—phrases that claim “there are no limits on what you can do. Go big and you will succeed.”
She states, “In Eden God gave Adam and Eve every fruit of the garden but one. The one fruit, out of a world of variety, indicated a limit to human freedom. Accepting that limit was the single abstinence required by God. It was a way of recognizing that human beings are dependent on God for life. But Adam and Eve allowed themselves to be seduced by the serpent . . . .In refusing to accept the natural bounds of their creaturehood, they reached for the very place of God. . . .The human race now lives as if there were no legitimate limits. . . .Limits are to be assaulted through the powers of intelligence and technology until they yield to human ingenuity and control. . . A life that recognizes no limits cannot recognize the sovereignty of God.”
I have to say that the phrase “you can be anything” has always troubled me, but I could never put my finger on exactly why. I saw the surface lie. I can't truly be anything. I can’t be the first black, female President as I’m not black. I can’t be a basketball star as I’m not tall or athletic. I can’t be an engineer as my brain simply can’t comprehend that level of math.
Yet, Thompson points at the deeper reason for resisting this philosophy of our culture—we can’t “be anything” because we were designed by God to be limited. Those very limits were designed to keep us dependent on and in relationship with God. Those limits help define our purpose by cutting off paths that don't fit and focusing us on the path God designed. When we as parents carelessly adopt the encouragement of our culture to “be anything” we unintentionally instill in our children the very thinking that will undermine the relationship with God we long them to have.
In a culture whose greatest achievements have entailed breaking through limits, it’s hard to escape this thinking. We’ve come to see limits as an enemy. As Christians we need to think differently—and to disciple our children to do the same.
Our children are fearfully and wonderfully made by the ultimate designer. They have purpose and meaning beyond comprehension. They live with the promise that it is the “glory of kings to search out a matter” (Prov. 25:2), which may mean our children will be led by God to break through a current limit to bring blessing to the world. But, in our encouragement, in our setting a high bar for their purpose, in our casting a vision that they follow God into works we cannot even yet imagine—we need to ground our children in the understanding that they are limited. And for a purpose.
Adam and Eve had the world before them with nearly unlimited power to work God’s creation. God gave one limit to ensure they remained dependent on Him and did that work for His glory. The redemption of Christ is to recognize the limits on our ability to relate to God through any means except Jesus and our dependence on Him for everything. He promises that this dependence on Him will bear much fruit. John 15:4. That’s the encouragement I long my children to live by.
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
This month’s topic: What are you sowing?
This month’s topic: What do you think?
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