- Getting close gets attention. We live in a world where people receive more than 800 messages a day. From tweets to billboards to Facebook to texts to school lectures, our children are inundated with people talking at them. With so much going on, people default to tuning out unless something grabs their attention. It's a sheer defense mechanism against the onslaught of communication. When Mom or Dad walks up to their child or calls child to come to them, this signals, "It's time to tune in and listen to me."
- Getting close implies importance. When a parent takes the time and energy to walk to a child and ask for their child's attention, child perks up. She realizes Mom or Dad must truly care about what they are going to say. This prepares our child to listen.
- Getting close helps parents read their children. We gain insight as to whether this is a good time to give the instruction, whether our child understands, and whether our child respectfully responds to us. We go beyond simply barking out orders to engaging in a relationship with our child.
No parents likes to continually feel as if what he or she says bounces off our child into oblivion. We want to be heard. Getting close helps. As we get physically close, we connect with our child. That leads to more cooperation on the tasks. . .and to more emotional closeness as well.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Words of affirmation--does he light up when payed a compliment or receives a note? Be sure to spend extra time picking the card or write a love letter describing what you treasure about him to include in his candy box.
- Gifts--does she save every tiny shell given on the beach or still have the locket from her 7th birthday? Taking the time to find a special gift will matter most to this person. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just a gift showing you know her tastes and current interests.
- Time--does he savor walks together or time on the couch just talking? Create a few coupons for special dates together. Put these on the calendar so he knows you intend to follow through.
- Physical touch--does she crave a back rub or holding hands? Again-coupons work well. This time prepare coupons for a massage or cuddle time and let her choose her time.
- Acts of service--if he remembers for weeks the filled gas tank or she the folded laundry, spend the days before and after Valentine's Day intentionally doing jobs that make your loved one's life easier. When they notice, give a kiss and say, "I hope that helps you know how special you are."
While the ones you love may enjoy all the above--be sure to include the expression of love that speaks most loudly to them. Then, you connect with the ones you love--and avoid the shrink's couch.
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
- Obey a direct instruction.
- Show respect to others.
- Don't lie.
These get enforced whether we are at home, at Grandma's, or in the grocery. The rest of life is treated as the situation warrants, but for these--life stops if the boundary is breached. Life remains on pause until the breach is rectified.
Further, everyone must follow these--parents included. In our home we've determined yelling shows disrespect, so everyone must find a calm, respectful manner of expressing our hurt or anger. We don't punish our children for yelling in anger but then yell ourselves. As we consistently enforce family rules no matter the situation or person involved, these principles shape the character of our family.
Consistency is counterproductive for consequences. When parents use the same consequences to deal with misbehavior time after time, the consequences begin to lose their effectiveness as a corrective. Familiarity makes the consequence something to endure rather than something that motivates a change in behavior. Children fall into a mindset of, "All I have to do is survive 10 minutes in time-out or 5 minutes of Mom yelling, then I can get back to my thing."
Parents make more impact if they have a variety of consequences to draw upon for correcting violations of the rules. This makes disciplining in public, between children of different personality types, and for differing levels of offense easier. When we trot out the same old punishment for every offence, we get stuck. If we know we can't use our one consequence here and now, we get stuck in letting child get away with disobedience. If we know our one consequence isn't impacting a particular child--we likewise get stuck in failure to draw them from actions that lead to bad character and toward behaviors that lead to good character. When we draw from a variety of options such as isolating child for a time, real-life impacts, scolding, loss of privileges, or some other way of penalizing child for disobedience--we can match the consequence to the situation and the child.
Does consistency matter? Yes! We need to consistently affirm the principles that shape our family life. But, we parent better when we have variety in consequences. When we look for options that reach our child's heart with the truth that their disobedience hurts both them and others around them, we create a context for change. Different children are motivated differently. Keep the same rules for all--but vary the consequence.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Keep your word. Don't make promises you can't (or don't intend) to keep. If you promise child to make it to their football game or a cuddle on the couch after they clean their room, don't let a work deadline or phone call cause you to miss this time. Don't offer bribes to induce good behavior, then renege. Don't forget little promises because children remember. While seeming minor at the time, a pattern of putting off what you told children you would do destroys trust. Keeping your word even when, and perhaps especially when, it's something minor builds trust.
- Live by the standards you impose. Double standards destroy trust. When parents yell in anger but punish children for doing so, parents create piles of clutter but demand that children put stuff away, parents demand that children listen attentively but stare at their computer when child is speaking--these double standards destroy any illusion that the messenger is trustworthy. When parents follow the standards they impose--children learn parents can be trusted. Further, our struggle to follow these standards--that deep sigh as you stop yourself from yelling--instills greater trust. Our children see that following the rules costs us as much as it costs them.
- Be the same person at home as in public. When parents are kind, considerate, and helpful to others in public but selfish and grumpy at home--trust lost. When parents go out of their way to treat family as well as (or even better than) those outside the house, trust builds.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- that the reasonable and just outcome has occurred.
- that the needs of everyone in the situation have been met.
- that child has offered to sibling or playmate the treatment child would desire.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
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