"Happiness is the state of human flourishing. Human flourishing is reached by means of a virtuous life." Socrates
"I tried to get my son try that, but he didn't think it would be fun," quote from friend rejecting advice on how to engage her sullen son. Her desire? For her son to flourish. Her method? Create more fun for him. Yet, though she ran herself ragged to get him to every activity he desired--he continued to withdraw, to be more demanding, to be sullen. What gives?
While I'm a big fan of fun and think it should be an element of healthy family life, when did fun become the litmus test for life choices?
The message is everywhere. Our youth group leaders urge us to sign children up because "they'll have a blast!" Tutoring programs promise "children will learn and have fun doing it." Even teachers in classrooms introduce new subjects with the phrase, "We are going to have so much fun!" Our culture inundates us with the message that fun is the paramount consideration for how to engage our children--how to make them flourish. We've been duped. Most of human history knew better. They knew that the true path to flourishing was virtue.
Our language frames our children's thinking. When our language focuses on terms such as "fun" or "enjoy," we train our children to consider these to be the highest priorities for their lives. And when our children seek only their own pleasure, they grow self-centered, dissatisfied, and sullen. The farthest state from flourishing you can attain. We need to refocus on setting virtue as the path to flourishing. It begins with how we recommend life activities to our children--words that focus on building character rather than having fun.
I'll admit that my own language has become so infused with terms like "enjoy" and "this is will fun" that it's hard for me to find expressions for focusing on virtue that don't sound contrived or hokey. But, I'm trying--because I want my children to consider virtue as their path to flourishing. To happiness.
As I choose curriculum for our home school, I'm focusing more on recommending it to my children with phrases such as "This has some really great meat for our minds" or "I think this will help hone the passion God has given you with real skills." As I consider children's extra activities, I ask them, "This sounds really fun. How will it also build God's fruit in your life?" As they leave to go with friends, I no longer simply say, "Have a great time." I say, "Have a great time and be God's blessing." I have to admit the latter sounds forced even to me--but I'm trying to impart a virtuous focus even in my good-byes.
Our culture believes fun is the path to happiness. It's no surprise that focus has permeated our parenting--we want our children to be happy. Yet, Socrates advises--if we really want happiness for our children, focus on virtue. As we intentionally express this focus, we teach our children that--if they pursue virtue, they will be happy.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
I wonder how often God asks that question about me.
Sometimes, in the middle of folding laundry or correcting a math assignment, I look across the room to find my husband deep in thought. As I watch him sitting alone, I begin to reflect, "When was the last time I made time just for him?" Going deeper I ask, "Have I had enough in-depth conversations to know what he's pondering right now? Do I even know if he's troubled or if something is bringing him joy?"
Too often I get too busy to focus on my husband. I focus instead on my half of the load and let him focus on his. With a house full of children it's so easy to say, "He's the other adult--he is on his own."
But, God says, "He's not supposed to be on his own. He gets lonely on his own. When I created him, I said that loneliness wasn't good, so I made you." I know I was created, first and foremost, to be my husband's companion. Though God has certainly added other roles, the very reason for my being is to ease the innate, created loneliness of my husband. Genesis 2. I also know how deeply God loves my husband. I'm sure there are times God looks at my husband single-handedly shouldering his burdens and asks, "Why can't she just do her job?!"
I know how to make this happen. When he gets home, I can instruct the children not to interrupt unless there is gushing blood, take him to our room, and spend the first 20 minutes of his time home focusing all my attention on catching up on his day. I can plan an evening away--or at least an evening walk--to get the two of us out of the house, together, and focused on each other. I can stop folding laundry and go sit with him. I can simply determine to do the job I was created to do--then trust God will show me how to get the rest done, too.
Everything is made for a purpose. If my frustration boils over the stopper's failure to keep water in a sink, how frustrated must God get when I fail to help and encourage the husband He gave to me. I need to remember my own plea, "Please, just do the job you were made to do."
This month’s topic: What do you think?
Second, give children a focus--praying for the wounded, gathering donations, or writing cards are a few of the kid-sized outreaches that can make a difference for our children and the victims. When we offer children a way to reach out, we give a measure of control they can take to do something positive. Good medicine.
Finally, restrict the viewing. Children--especially younger ones--can't distinguish what is happening across the country from what is happening down the street. The fires of West, Texas seem next door. While we may want to remain riveted for the latest details, most likely not much will change between dinner and after children head to bed. Get your news when they can't hear the grisly details.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Conversation--Something about the slow, steady work of tilling soil or weeding plants makes room for unstructured conversation. Without the distractions of household noise, what begins as a discussion of where to put the seeds flows into noticing the shapes in the clouds, the call of the birds, and then whatever else is on our child's mind. Parents have so much pulling at us--we can so easily be unavailable to our children for far more time than we realize. Between the computer, dinner, and bills we put our children off to take care of the details of life. Gardening buffers out aspects that interrupt and allows for conversation while working--a great recipe for connection.
- Exploration--I love rediscovering the world through my child's eyes. Gardening opens aspects of the world to discovery. The worms and bugs living in the soil that aid our labors, the wonder of a tiny seed becoming dinner in a few weeks--a myriad of discoveries await in our backyards to be shared. When children ask questions about how the process works, we either share what we know or grab a book and discover together--great memories.
- Work ethic--God designed children to learn from their parents while working beside them. Deuteronomy 6:6-7. Children inherently love being with their parents, learning from them, and participating with them. We've lost a lot of that dynamic in our current culture. More, children have lost the opportunities to engage in productive work. By institutionalizing an extended play culture for children, we've separated children from real work. Our children often can't see themselves as able to engage in meaningful activity which produces positive results for others. Gardening counteracts this. It tests physical as well as intellectual skills. It creates problem solving moments such as how to keep the deer or chickens away from the baby plants. Further, when the team brings that harvest of tomatoes or bouquet of flowers to the table, they share in the knowledge that together with you--they have done something meaningful.
Tips for succeeding:
- Start small--If you haven't gardened before, take it slow. A few plants in a small plot may be the perfect introduction. Giving children their own garden offers a sense of connection and ownership that engages and excited them. Till some soil around a tree for wildflowers or create a small plot for her favorite vegetable. If it goes well, take the excitement from this year's success to expand next year.
- Let your child pick--Build your child's enthusiasm by letting him make a few choices. Let him check options in the seed catalogue or head to a store to let your child choose the plants they want to tend. Ownership leads to longer commitment.
- Celebrate victories--Make a feast featuring the first fruits from the garden or decorate the house with the blooms from the flowers. As you bring the successes into your home, you communicate their efforts have tangible value which both increases the connection between you and affirms a work ethic in them.
Spring is here. Enjoy the outdoors together through gardening and by fall you'll harvest a richer relationship with your children.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
As a former
attorney, I’m always interested in current cases. Two recently shocked me—for
very different reasons.
The first: Ohio's Butler County Prosecutor recently sued Punxsutawney Phil for false advertisement of an early spring. Saying Phil "committed a felony against the peace and dignity of the state of Ohio;" Ohioans demanded Phil's execution. As a winter-dreader, I enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek
expression of fellow frustration with the winter that never seems to end. The
case made me laugh.
The second
made me cry. A couple engaged a surrogate mother to carry their baby. The young
woman had significant financial issues which the hefty surrogate fee would help
address. When prenatal testing indicated issues in the baby, the couple offered
to pay the woman $10,000 to abort. When she refused, they sued. Already
financially strapped, the young woman faced both pregnancy alone and the
expense of a lawsuit.
How could
this happen?
As John
Stonestreet says, “We become what we worship. Our culture worships stuff. So,
people have become stuff.” Stuff you can return if not satisfied. Stuff you can
reject for defects. Stuff you can throw away. People are not supposed to be
equivalent to stuff—yet all too often people are treated as if they are. For this couple, their baby was an item to dispose of because she didn't meet expectations. So, was the surrogate mother.
We can hope
this experience persuades the couple never to try to have children again. Nature
made the right call when it denied them a baby of their own. But, there are
millions more in our culture who think of children as possessions--items geared for the couple's happiness and fulfillment. Should children fail in this--children should be disposed of.
Our methods of disposal vary. This couple chose execution of their child. While many would be shocked at even the mention of executing Punxsutawney Phil; they barely blink at this notion. Others simply send their child away--to school, to after school programs, to summer camp. Now please hear me. I know many parents use these services as opportunities to grow their children and readily engage with these institutions to make this happen. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the parents who use these as a means of getting their children out of their hair because the children don't satisfy.
As parents we have a sacred
trust—to treat our children as gifts from God, people made in His image and for
His purposes—not ours. This means we focus our time, energy, and thoughts on engaging with our children to help them become the images of God they were made to be. At times we engage others to help us in this process; but we, the parents, remain primarily responsible--because our children are gifts and priorities, not disposable stuff. More, we bear the burden of convincing those around us
of this truth. If we do this well, perhaps we will have only suits against poor
rodents for miscalculation on the weather and can simply laugh.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
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