One sunny, spring afternoon my little son bounded up asking to go for a walk. As we strolled down our lane, we enjoyed chatting, laughing, and seeing sights together. After one long silence, son slipped his hand into mine and sighed, “Mommy, I love being with you.” As I clutched him to me, I felt my chest straining. It doesn't have the room to hold the love I have for my son.
When I look into my son’s eyes, I want so badly to be everything he needs in a mom. I yearn to get this mom-thing right. Yet, conflicting messages pull at me: ensure he does well in school, teach him to ride a bike, build his social skills, enroll him in sports . . . . I cannot accomplish the endless list—especially when the list constantly changes with the latest trend. Where do families focus?
Wise moms offer a focus that I find invaluable—character. Though the world focuses on the temporary, character is eternal. When we guide our son’s character, we train him to know where to spend his time and how to make his daily choices with wisdom and ability. Character has many facets, yet four fundamentals lead to strong male character: initiative, purity, responsibility and servant hood. Lesson 1: teach your son to be an initiator.
Men are designed to be initiators. In the Garden of Eden, God instructed Adam to take charge of the rest of the world and fashion it to the standard of Eden. He made Adam His Viceroy—standing in God’s stead and conferring God’s authority onto the Earth. To accomplish his task, Adam had to initiate—a lot.
Today, men are still called to be God's Viceroys. They are to creatively initiate in their jobs to expand God’s authority over the workplace. They are to initiate in the home—guiding the family spiritually, emotionally, and pragmatically. They are to provide the leadership and guidance to their communities. This understanding of the initiator role has been lost.
In the focus to acknowledge the importance of women and how their contributions had been wrongly diminished—women have been encouraged and equipped to take charge. Education policy shifted to become more female friendly, scholarships diverted to consider only females, community resources funded female pursuits pulling resources from support of boys. Men have been discouraged from leadership—ordered to step back and give women a chance. While this proved valuable to women, men have been devastated.
Add to this that boys grow up in a culture where grown men are consistently depicted as idiots (on television, in movies) saved only by the leadership of women. The result? Men have become passive, disconnected, and commitment averse. Refusing any leadership roles, they now barely function. One statistic offers perspective. Less than half of male students graduate high school and only 35% of college students are male—poor training for leadership. It’s up to families to give our sons better. We need to teach them to be the initiators they were created to be. How?
• Support his ideas. Little boys have big ideas and grand desires. Nothing kills an initiating spirit like constant rejection. Whenever possible, encourage son’s ideas. Let him build a fort in the yard, attempt to hike the hill, strategize giant army attacks between toy soldiers, read thick books years ahead of grade level, attempt to fix the broken clock. We want to protect our sons and our schedules—which can lead to a habit of saying “no” to son’s ideas. Though the challenges are real, if we develop a habit of saying "go for it!" our sons will develop the habit of initiating with enthusiasm.
• Resource his ideas. Another initiator-killer is ongoing defeat. Part of our role may include helping son shape his idea into something within the realm of possible. To prevent our sons from being overwhelmed and giving up--break down his goal into those steps it would take to accomplish his dream. Supply him with the necessary tools. Then, let him go.
As he hits snags, encourage him to keep working the process until he finds an answer that works. If he’s stuck, offer suggestions but don’t take over the process—let him remain in charge and develop the problem-solving skills initiators must have to realize their dreams.
• Normalize failure. I love the line from Meet the Robinsons, “Here’s to Lewis and his brilliant failure. May it lead to success in the future.” Teach your son that failure is not a bad thing—it’s simply a lesson in what to do differently next time. Only men ready to risk and cope with failure can truly lead. Ask questions such as, “What did you learn? What could you do differently? What went right?” This trains our sons to “keep moving forward” rather than become mired in a habit of defeat.
Character lesson number 1—be an initiator. When we encourage our sons to become initiators, we train them in a character ready to take on the world.
