Three scenes: Toddler throws the mother of all temper tantrums in the grocery as helpless mom looks on; middle school student visits detention for the third week running; young man ignores policeman’s order to stop and is killed—what do they have in common? At their core, each boy failed to develop a strong sense of self-control.
In this continuing series on essential character qualities for sons, the second focus is developing self-control. Self control enables sons to refrain from doing what they want in order to appropriately respond to others. Many parents mistakenly believe self-control comes naturally as children age. Unfortunately, there is nothing natural about self-control. Giving into one’s desires and feelings comes naturally. Denying our desires to answer to something else—that skill must be taught and nurtured.
Parents’ failure to impart this skill has left many boys incapable of succeeding in any situation. If a person can’t control themselves, they can’t build friendships. They can’t participate in group activities. They can’t apply themselves to challenges whether physical, social, or academic. Ultimately, they can’t succeed in an adult world where they will constantly answer to a variety of authorities from boss to neighborhood association to the law and ultimately to God. Given that self-control is essential to engaging life at any meaningful level—how do we ensure our sons have this skill?
• Teach when the time is right. Focus on developing this skill during the toddler and preschool years. God graciously provided a system whereby our child's social, emotional, and intellectual development mirrors his physical development. These years are all about control. Our children long to control everything around them—manipulating toys, dressing themselves, feeding themselves, and using the potty. These blossoming skills in physical control provide a perfect springboard for teaching self-control. Too many parents, faced with the iron will of a toddler, assume the job will get easier if they give in now and wait for son to get a little older. In so doing, they miss the golden opportunity to capitalize on son’s desire to be in control. If parents instead channel son's desire for control into controlling himself, they make the most of this developmental stage.
If your son has already passed the toddler/ preschool stage without self-control in place, you still need to establish this pattern—just know it will be more difficult. You will fight established habits of self-will, you will have to alter your own willingness to give in, and you will have to do all this in the few hours you have after school. You can do it. Deciding to go forward is the most important step. Follow the steps below—just expect a little more push-back as your son fights to keep getting his way.
• Be consistent. Even though our children are primed to learn self-control during the toddler/preschool years, the challenge still looms large. During infancy, we gave our child whatever he desired—food when hungry, a dry diaper when wet, and a bed when tired. A huge transition takes place in toddlerhood. For the first time our sons have desires we won’t allow. He desires to hit the dog, bite his sister, throw his peas, push television buttons, stick his fingers in electric sockets—you get the idea. To all this, we say, “No.” Given that this restraint is new, no wonder the transition is so hard.
Consistency helps. Set clear boundaries with age appropriate rules. Then, normalize obedience. This means we never let sons get away with disobeying a direct order or standing rule. When you call your son—he must come. If he doesn’t, go get his hand and bring him to where you were standing when you called. If you tell your son to pick up toys, he should begin within the minute. If he doesn’t, take his hand and pick up the toys with him. As you consistently require him to obey you, he learns to bring his actions into compliance with your instruction. Before long—he learns to respond to your instruction with immediate obedience. You have normalized obedience and taught self-control.
• Affirm, affirm, affirm. As we go through this process we must never lose sight that our sons are denying themselves in order to do what we ask largely because they adore us. They want to please us and will take on the huge challenge of obeying in order to do so. We must affirm them in this. Affirm through encouraging words, bear-hugs, ruffled hair, and sudden surprises. Look him in the eye and tell him how proud you are of what he is doing. Offer concrete benefits to his willingness to listen to you, and you’ll find him increasingly willing to do so.
If a man can’t control himself, he will be controlled by others. Though it’s hard to teach this skill, as you do you build in your son the strength of a man.
