Yet, as special as those events can be--all too often they can lead to meltdowns. Tantrums, crying spells, extra fighting--and that's just the parents. What can we do to keep the "special" in special events?
Children (and parents) misbehave most often when they are tired, hungry, or out of their routine. The key to preserving the joy of family events is to think ahead for each of these.
Aim to keep family members rested. Whether the family attends a special concert or a neighborhood party, special events tend to go past bedtimes. With darkness descending ever earlier--the toll is even greater. When parents know that evening's activities will likely keep children up too late, including a rest in the daily schedule may be the key to preserving the evening fun.
For younger children--even those who have stopped napping, an hour in bed reading can keeps the energy going when special events run late. For older children, figure out what rejuvenates them and include in the family routine. Some need time to take a run or walk, others need quiet moments in their room, while others simply need a conversation with Mom or a friend to be ready to take on the world. As you intentionally make these part of the day, you build the energy to help them cope with the drains of the season.
Aim to prevent hunger. Special events often center on food--but the timing can be very different than your home meal schedule. A package of cheese crackers or baggie of almonds can make all the difference. When children, or spouse, starts getting grumpy because their stomach is growling and the host won't serve food for another hour--pull out the reserve snacks and head off melt-downs.
Aim to preserve routine. The thing about special events? They're . . .special. Out of the ordinary. Out of the routine. Children thrive on routine. Routine offers security, predictability, and signals for how to act. Deprived of these--children can feel like they are in a metaphorical free-fall. Not the best feeling for inducing good behavior.
We can help by offering the benefits of routine--even when routine is missing. Before going into Grandma's for the family party or the concert hall, remind children of behavioral expectations: use manners, give adults the seats and sit on the floor, listen to others, etc. If children only see family members at Christmas, offer reminders as to who they will see and how they are connected. You might also offer interesting details that allow your children to connect. Let children know how long you will be there and what to expect during the event.
Just as important--keep your December calendar in front of you at all times. When a friend calls to invite you for a neighborhood gathering, check the calendar. Don't just look to see if you are booked. Look to see how many other nights are booked. Preserve nights to be home and rest. You can even take the time to block out nights at the beginning of the month to ensure time at home.
Tis the season to enjoy family, friends, and special events. By remembering the triggers for misbehavior and preparing ahead, we can help keep the "special" in special events. We trade tears and tantrums for wonderful family memories.
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure the days with your children?
“Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. . . “ Psalm 100:4
Thanksgiving may be the best holiday of the year. No gifts to buy, no pressure to create a certain experience, no special plays or musicals—simply a day to gather together and give thanks. More—we can use the season to teach our children the fundamentals of entering God’s presence.
The Psalmist wrote, “Enter His gates with thanksgiving.” We come into God’s presence as we give thanks. Gratitude, contentment, and thankfulness are the hallmarks of a child of God. Instilling this trait in our children not only makes them much more pleasant people with whom to live, it forms their character to seek and see God.
How can Thanksgiving season help us focus on this trait?
- Read: Find great books about the Pilgrims and take this month to read together. For example Down Ryton Water by E.R. Gaggin and Drew Thurston tells the full story of the journey from England to Holland to Plymouth. A little tough in the language, its detail brings the struggle and the spirit of the people to life. Contentment breeds contentment. As we read of the Pilgrims’ ability to be thankful in the midst of so much hardship, our own gratitude grows.
- Record: Find a way to daily give thanks throughout the month. One of our favorite family traditions is to cut “leaves” out of different colors of construction paper. Each night at dinner each member of the family writes (or someone writes for them) the thing they are thankful for from the day. We then tape them to the windows. Over the month our home is filled with fall color. On Thanksgiving—we read each leaf. Sure, it takes some time—but the time it takes reinforces how very much God has blessed us in both big and small ways. Other families have a thankfulness journal. Still others simply pray their gratitude out loud each night. Find a way to record your blessings, and your heart toward God will grow.
- Reach out: God blesses us so that we share those blessings with others. When we intentionally create times for our family to serve others, we enlarge both our capacity to give thanks and our compassion for God’s world. Serve at a food bank, deliver meals to shut-ins, reach out to the lonely and elderly in your church. Using a season that focuses on blessings to bless others marks us as God’s children.
Other holidays have had their Christian message greatly diluted by secularism. Thanksgiving remains untainted. We enter God’s gates as we give thanks. May this be a month where your family grows in gratitude and in the experience of coming into God’s presence.
This month’s topic: How do you develop thankfulness?
This month’s topic: What do you think? What are your current favorites?
We know when our blow-ups are wrong. We know the damage they cause. We so often fear our own reactions because they seem to come from out of the blue--wreaking havoc, hurting those we love.
At the same time--at our core--we know we're right. Often, our anger is justified. Our children have done the very things we've spent so much time teaching against--hurting others; hurting us. How do we find the balance? How do we justifiably react to what is wrong without giving in to an anger that only damages.
Dr. S. M. Davis, pastor and consultant on family issues, calls parental anger the Number 1 destroyer of Godly families. If he's right, we must find a better way. Three keys for dealing with anger can show us that better way. The keys can be summed up in the phrase coined by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting, "Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing."
Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we're angry--there's a reason. God gives people emotions as tools for sensing the deeper layers of life going on around us. When we feel angry, that's the signal that something needs to be addressed.
Scripture teaches that we must first examine our own life. Matthew 7:3-5 Is the issue that needs addressing coming from within? When we try to parent on minimal sleep and no breakfast, we can find ourselves blowing up over relatively minor infractions. Between staying up all night with sick children, encouraging our spouses through job stresses and managing a household--frustrations can mount. Our anger over child's behavior may have less to do with child and more with our need for a nap. Even further, when we are stressed by relationship issues, job issues, or financial issues--our nerves wear to a frazzle making it easy to snap at our children. When we pause to examine whether the issues our anger signals lie within us, we find ways to deal with the issues without snapping at the children.
Once we've examined our own lives, we are then in a position to examine our child's. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong. When we become angry that our child won't concentrate on his work or keeps hitting his sister or back-talks when we give instructions--the anger is right. God has given our child a job of school. When child refuses to settle down and work, he is rebelling against God. When he hits his sister, he's rebelling against God's command to love others sacrificially. When he responds poorly to you, he's rebelling against the authority God has placed in his life. Our frustration with these behaviors rightly points us to heart issues that must be addressed.
Anger is a terrible tool for fixing what is wrong. James 1:2 says, "Man's anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires." Our anger won't bring about righteousness in our children. This is the source of our confusion. We are rightly angry, but that anger can't bring about righteousness. So, when we act in anger, we fail to follow God's direction in dealing with the situation which means we are now as in the wrong as our child. Hence the guilt. Hence the havoc wreaked when we blow up.
Instead, we need to allow the anger to signal when a situation needs addressing. Then, we need to address by getting on our knees and asking God for guidance in dealing with our child's heart. James 4 tells us that if we seek getting our way, we will have quarrels and fights. But, if we seek God's wisdom, He will give it.
Sometimes He gives the wisdom right away. We know that the hitting shows a lack of love for sister that violates God's command to love. We can take son aside and say, "Son, what in your heart is causing you to hit your sister?" As he shares his frustration that she keeps taking his pencils or does better than him at his math, you can offer, "I'm sure that is frustrating. She isn't treating you well. But, how does God want us to treat those who are hurting us?" Then comes the very concrete lessons of loving those who hurt us, finding Godly ways to share frustration rather than giving in to sin, or taking the time to see from another's perspective--the real discipleship of home schooling lived out in the scenes of our life, daily.
The key is refusing to use anger to resolve the situation but instead using God's word. If you need help knowing where to find His direction for a specific situation, I love Kara Durbin's Parenting with Scripture. She categorizes scripture based on heart attitude. Incredibly helpful resource.
Focus on the hearts. When we develop the habit of letting our anger inform us of situations that need our attention but deal with those out of God's word bathed in our patience, gentleness, firmness, and love--we stop blowing up. The pattern moves from us living a guilt-ridden roller coaster of costly interactions with our children to a pattern of God's word shaping our relationships. Our focus moves from the outer behavior to the heart.
Our children's behavior gives a clear mirror of the activity of their hearts. So does ours. When we focus on the hearts--ours and our child's--we open our hearts to seek God's reign in everything. We let His word shape and mold us. We become the people of God we long to be.
As parents--we get angry. Anger is a great signal that something is wrong, but a terrible tool for fixing. As we use our anger to take note of issues we need to address but God's word as the tool, we take our families from damaged to healthy.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
This month’s topic: What are your thoughts?
The other night as I said to daughter, "I'm so proud of you," her face lit up, then fell. "What's the matter?" I asked.
"I'm not supposed to be proud," she answered. "I don't want God to be upset." We had read Proverbs 16:18 earlier that morning. As I used a word she had heard God didn't like, the intended encouragement fell flat.
What's the difference between pride that leads to destruction and feeling good about an accomplishment? As in most of life--the focus. Bad pride--pride that leads to destruction--is a focus on ourselves, an elevation of ourselves. When our children begin to find satisfaction within what they can do or use accomplishments to point others to themselves--that's the pride scripture warns against.
Alternatively, when our children recognize that God has done something amazing using the talents He placed within them and begin to find their satisfaction in God--that's "good" pride. More--when our children use their achievements to point others to God, that makes God smile.
Teaching our children to follow scripture can be so tricky. Words can be used so many different ways which can confuse young minds. We want to be able to tell our children when we are proud of them and what they are doing without them being afraid of disobeying God. When we help them create a right focus, we distinguish between real encouragement and a pride that causes destruction.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- Routinely repeating yourself to get your children to listen?
- Scolding your children for talking over you?
- Yelling because children failed to do what you asked?
If you answered yes, you may have a "listening" problem. Most parents can relate. We talk--but it seems nobody listens.
We repeat. We search for ways to make our children pay attention. But, all too often we settle for simply being annoyed because we have bought into "it's just kids being kids." We need to take this listening thing more seriously. When our children develop a habit of listening carefully, they not only relate better to us--they are enabled to hold onto the truths of God.
"Therefore, consider carefully how you listen." Jesus offers this warning just after He explained the parables of the Sower and the Seed and the Lamp on a Stand to His confused disciples. Jesus cautions the disciples that listening is critical to receiving from God. Those who listen carefully, receive more. Those who fail to do so have anything they have received taken away.
Little habits have great impact. My children have sweet hearts, sunny dispositions, and generous spirits--all received from God. Because we have a large family with many eager voices, all too often I let slide the talking over one another. Because we have competing agendas and busy schedules, all too often I overlook the failure to heed my instructions. But, every time I do that, I normalize failing to listen carefully. I normalize instead the very trait Jesus warned could cost my children what they have already received.
I need to normalize listening carefully. I need to:
- Refuse to engage in a pattern of repeating myself.
- Consistently enforce the rule that when one person is speaking, others are silent. And, attentively listening.
- Train my children to heed an instruction given the first time rather than waiting for the repeat, or worse, the yell.
Most of all I need to take my children to God's Word and point them to how seriously Jesus takes attentive listening. I need to impress the importance of practicing this in our home so we are ready to carefully listen to God. Then, our children will not only keep their sweet hearts, sunny dispositions, and generous spirits--God will continue to pour Himself into them because, through choosing to listen carefully to Him, they make Him the priority in their lives.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
Our
family recently finished a book on the Lewis and Clark expedition. We were
amazed by the level of both hardship and beauty they encountered. I was
particularly convicted by the chapters describing the party's journey
negotiating a narrow ledge through the Rockies for several weeks--experiencing
bitter temperatures, slippery snow, and lack of food most of the way. As each
day's description unfolded, I kept
wondering, "How did they make it? Why didn't they just give
up?"
I suffer from a common malady. I too often assume that, if someone is on the right course, it should unfold before them. Obstacles should clear; blessings fall. History teaches that it so often doesn't work that way. The soldiers at Valley Forge, Christians who hid Jews in Europe, missionaries who took the gospel to foreign lands--all too often these faced overwhelming circumstances and I'm sure questioned, "Why not just give up?" But, they didn't. And their efforts achieved greatness--in spite of, or perhaps because of, the hardship.
I want my children to learn these lessons of history. Hardship doesn't mean you're on the wrong path or made the wrong choice. Sometimes hardship is a key element of the right choice. Rather than allowing my children to buy into the cultural attitude that life will simply fall into place, I want to train my children to make good choices, courageous choices, then be prepared for the hardships that might come.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
“You can be anything.”
“You can have it all.”
“Follow your dreams, and you will soar.”
Is there anything wrong when Christian parents adopt these phrases to encourage our children? Turns out—yes. These phrases not only create false assumptions for our children about how the world works—they reflect the very rebellion in Eden.
As a mom I want to encourage my children to dream big. To push themselves to excellence. I want them to be ready to serve God in endeavors that will come to surpass their knowledge or understanding. Yet, I’m also learning how often I have adopted a pattern of our culture that seems to encourage or empower our children but whose foundations actually work against the faith my husband and I are trying to instill in them.
Marjorie Thompson in her book, Soul Feast, helped me see the inherent false thinking behind these phrases that have become common in encouraging children—phrases that claim “there are no limits on what you can do. Go big and you will succeed.”
She states, “In Eden God gave Adam and Eve every fruit of the garden but one. The one fruit, out of a world of variety, indicated a limit to human freedom. Accepting that limit was the single abstinence required by God. It was a way of recognizing that human beings are dependent on God for life. But Adam and Eve allowed themselves to be seduced by the serpent . . . .In refusing to accept the natural bounds of their creaturehood, they reached for the very place of God. . . .The human race now lives as if there were no legitimate limits. . . .Limits are to be assaulted through the powers of intelligence and technology until they yield to human ingenuity and control. . . A life that recognizes no limits cannot recognize the sovereignty of God.”
I have to say that the phrase “you can be anything” has always troubled me, but I could never put my finger on exactly why. I saw the surface lie. I can't truly be anything. I can’t be the first black, female President as I’m not black. I can’t be a basketball star as I’m not tall or athletic. I can’t be an engineer as my brain simply can’t comprehend that level of math.
Yet, Thompson points at the deeper reason for resisting this philosophy of our culture—we can’t “be anything” because we were designed by God to be limited. Those very limits were designed to keep us dependent on and in relationship with God. Those limits help define our purpose by cutting off paths that don't fit and focusing us on the path God designed. When we as parents carelessly adopt the encouragement of our culture to “be anything” we unintentionally instill in our children the very thinking that will undermine the relationship with God we long them to have.
In a culture whose greatest achievements have entailed breaking through limits, it’s hard to escape this thinking. We’ve come to see limits as an enemy. As Christians we need to think differently—and to disciple our children to do the same.
Our children are fearfully and wonderfully made by the ultimate designer. They have purpose and meaning beyond comprehension. They live with the promise that it is the “glory of kings to search out a matter” (Prov. 25:2), which may mean our children will be led by God to break through a current limit to bring blessing to the world. But, in our encouragement, in our setting a high bar for their purpose, in our casting a vision that they follow God into works we cannot even yet imagine—we need to ground our children in the understanding that they are limited. And for a purpose.
Adam and Eve had the world before them with nearly unlimited power to work God’s creation. God gave one limit to ensure they remained dependent on Him and did that work for His glory. The redemption of Christ is to recognize the limits on our ability to relate to God through any means except Jesus and our dependence on Him for everything. He promises that this dependence on Him will bear much fruit. John 15:4. That’s the encouragement I long my children to live by.
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
This month’s topic: What are you sowing?
This month’s topic: What do you think?
This month’s topic: What favorite ad has shaped your family life?
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
This month’s topic: How do you bring the noble, pure, and lovely to life?
This month’s topic: What are your strategies for dealing with overwhelmed?
This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?
This month’s topic: What are your thoughts?
This month’s topic: What do you think?
- When children are being children. Children haven't yet lived the range of experiences you have. They don't know how to negotiate social situations or accurately assess choices. We don't punish when they act out of childish ignorance.
- We don't punish because a child's act inconvenienced, embarrassed, or put us in an uncomfortable spot. Just because child asks a question we can't answer, we don't punish. Just because child repeated a remark we made that we now regret, we don't punish. Just because child's plan for learning drums means the pots aren't on hand, we don't punish. We might have a discussion about a better choice. We explain what we would like to see instead. But, we don't punish. They didn't disobey--they merely acted in a way we didn't anticipate and don't know how to handle. We figure out how to handle rather than wreaking vengeance.
- We don't punish because we're tired, overwhelmed, or stressed. Too often, especially in homes where both parents work, both parents are strained to the limit. The best energy, attention, and emotion get expended for the person writing the pay check. We have only dregs to offer our family. When children demand more than this simply by needing our time or attention, we often snap. And punish. This is wrong. Our children deserve our best time, energy, emotion--not the leftovers. Parents must reserve their best for their family to avoid acting out of stress or tiredness. Don't let work become the excuse for being either a lazy parent or a wrongly punishing parent.
When to punish: Punishment should be given only when a child knows what he should do and refuses to do so. Punishment should be only a tool in the larger picture of guiding our children to live in unity with God--His love, His holiness, His righteousness. We focus on our child's heart--is her heart right with God. If not, we may need to educate. We may need to pray. We may need to punish an ongoing pattern of doing what she knows she shouldn't.
Our family has found that we boil punishment situations down to three:
- Punish when a child lies. Every time.
- Punish when a child fails to show respect--in attitude, voice, or action.
- Punish when a child disobeys a direct command or a standing rule.
That's it. That doesn't mean everything else goes. It just means we deal with other situations in different ways. With education. With prayer. With conversation about cause and effect.
When parents know when, and when not, to punish--we are freed to engage fully with our children. We are focused on which issues are their behavior and which are our own behavior. We are freed to delight in a daughter confiscating ordinary pots to create her own beautiful music.
This month’s topic: What guides you in punishing your child?
This month’s topic: What are your Lenten traditions?
Spring—sunshine, warmth, the chance to get outside and burn energy. Spring—the great rescuer of parents. After a winter shut inside to escape cold, damp, dreary days; Spring invites families to explore, engage, and escape the cabin fever for the great outdoors. But, once we get outside, what do we do?
Let’s face it—dreary days often lead to using the television as a babysitter so we can get things done. The upside—children are entertained while we get dinner, mop the floor, and make calls. The downside—an overdose of video (whether computer, video game, or movie) leads to passive kids. Kids who don’t know how to self-start with play. They need a little nudge. Spring can help.
- Plant a garden. Whether you go whole hog and plant rows of flowers or veggies or stay small with one large pot, gardens offer parents and children to engage together, learn together, and work together. Give your child a pot of their own or a row of their own. Go to the seed store to let them choose the plants they want to grow—a special flower for their own vase, a butterfly bush to watch their own butterflies, or a plant of their favorite veggie.
Digging, planting, and watering focus kid energy in a positive direction AND connect them to the project. They’ll be more likely to stick with the project. Further, they’ll likely help you with your portion of the garden!
As you prepare the soil, choose the seeds, and teach them how to plant—conversation grows. You’ll be amazed how much more you might learn about your child as you work alongside each other.
- Set up a sports area. Sure community sports teams offer a variety of experiences, great teaching, and the benefits of being part of a team. Yet, they so often pull families apart. Instead of Dad throwing the ball to his child in the backyard, we pay a coach to throw the ball. Deep connection and good memories get lost. Further, the overloaded schedule of practices and games for multiple children can mean family connection gets lost. One summer when we had three children in soccer, we routinely missed our oldest child’s games because the younger two were playing on different fields at different locations—not the scenario any of us wanted.
Get the benefits of both. Use the community sports opportunities for the benefits they offer, but have your own sports area in the backyard. Use garage sales to get equipment to span the ages. Find games family can do together—hopscotch, badminton, soccer, bocce ball all make great choices for young to old, skilled to unskilled. Setting up the area means parents and children alike can simply go outside and get started without a lot of preparation or guidance. Children learn the skills of working together in the family. Bonds grow as you play together. Everyone gets healthier.
- Explore community treasures. With gas prices rising and budgets shrinking, focus on the unique attractions of your community. Warming temperatures afford the opportunity to take the family to the local cave, park, or outdoor concert. Locate a guide for local festivals and special attractions. Let the children choose their event of the week or month. Together you build family memories, use stored energy from the winter, and you build stronger connections within your community.
The dreary days of winter are waning! Let Spring begin!
This month’s topic: What do you think?
"Mommy, Mommy--come here!"
It would have been easy to refuse. Madly punching numbers into the calculator, I had reached midpoint of tracing the convoluted mess of numbers in our checkbook to find the balance. Stopping now meant losing that train of thought. But, the excitement in her voice drew me to her.
"Look at this sunrise! Do you see the purple? Look at that pink! I love how the color goes from red to pink to orange to blue to purple, don't you? And, look over there! Do you see those clouds?"
On and on she went describing the sky, the clouds, and the unfolding landscape. My little six-year-old used words such as "vivid, subtle, and flowing." Where did she get those? Where did she get this eye for detail? This sense of wonder?
As a home schooling mom--when someone mentions something my children need to learn, I so often first focus on "What curriculum would teach that?" or "What book do I need to get?"
Yet again, my children are teaching me the most valuable lessons. This morning's lesson? Pay attention to your children. To cultivate a sense of wonder, of desire for beauty, of appreciating the treasures God lays at our door--we don't need a curriculum or book. I simply need to take interest when my daughter wants to describe something beautiful.
My interests tells her:
It would have been easy to refuse. Madly punching numbers into the calculator, I had reached midpoint of tracing the convoluted mess of numbers in our checkbook to find the balance. Stopping now meant losing that train of thought. But, the excitement in her voice drew me to her.
"Look at this sunrise! Do you see the purple? Look at that pink! I love how the color goes from red to pink to orange to blue to purple, don't you? And, look over there! Do you see those clouds?"
On and on she went describing the sky, the clouds, and the unfolding landscape. My little six-year-old used words such as "vivid, subtle, and flowing." Where did she get those? Where did she get this eye for detail? This sense of wonder?
As a home schooling mom--when someone mentions something my children need to learn, I so often first focus on "What curriculum would teach that?" or "What book do I need to get?"
Yet again, my children are teaching me the most valuable lessons. This morning's lesson? Pay attention to your children. To cultivate a sense of wonder, of desire for beauty, of appreciating the treasures God lays at our door--we don't need a curriculum or book. I simply need to take interest when my daughter wants to describe something beautiful.
My interests tells her:
- beauty matters--if I had kept to the bills when she wanted to describe the sky, lesson would have been that beauty matters far less than bills. My interest says, "It's worth putting away the bills to gaze upon beauty."
- your interests matter--by pulling away to come when she calls, I hope she learned that what matters to her matters to me. I pray that encourages her to follow and explore her interests.
- your expressions matter--her blossoming vocabulary gets its chance to shine when I listen. The longer I listened--the more eloquent and detailed she became. When children get to narrate what they see--they take more in. As they describe the details--the details take hold in their minds. This develops a mind for beauty that no book describing the rudiments of beauty can match.
This month’s topic: What do you think?
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