We moms love our children. We poll friends, attend workshops, and read everything we can get our hands on to get glimmers of insight on how to do our job right. Yet, sometimes the harder we try the worse outcome we get. Why?! Unknowingly we can sabotage the very mothering success we desire. Though it can take many forms—here follow five common mothering mistakes.
Sabotage 1. You’re too patient. Patience is a virtue and the mainstay of motherhood. Our children are, well, childish. They need calm, gentle, clear responses from us—in short patience.
Yet, if you find yourself in a discussion every time you tell your four-year-old to go to bed or ask her to color while you visit with a friend, it may be that you’re too patient. Though it’s important to take the time to understand our children’s perspective, if we let our children continue to misbehave under the guise of being patient, their natural response will be to disobey long enough to keep us responding to them instead of them responding to us. Take note of your child’s perspective before giving a command. If she needs a drink before bed, get that. Then, give the order to sleep. If she begins a discussion, impose a consequence. In this way you patiently work with your child without patience becoming a stumbling block to obedience.
Sabotage 2. You’re too flexible. You get a great routine going, and the children are cooperating with the daily flow—then, it happens. You go on vacation. Relatives visit. Child gets sick. The routine goes out the window to accommodate life. That’s necessary.
Yet, if we never get back to the routine, life can play havoc with our best mothering endeavors. It’s good to give latitude to our children when they are grumpy because they don’t feel well. If we continue to give leeway to grumpiness long after the fever breaks, we undercut our best mothering. Getting back into the routine and ordinary behavioral expectations after the extraordinary passes supports our best efforts.
Sabatoge 3. You’re too involved. Children need our time and interaction. Those moments wrestling on the floor, reading books, playing kitchen reveal the incredible uniqueness of our child. We don’t want to miss that.
Yet, our children also need to develop the skill of learning to entertain themselves. If mom has become the sole source of entertainment, it may be a sign you’re too involved. Let the daily schedule include both times for you to play, explore, and interact with your children and times for them to explore on their own. Whether you put them on the couch with a stack of books (even two year olds can look at the pictures) while you vacuum, on the kitchen floor to play with blocks while you do dishes, or at a table to color while you pay bills—set aside time for them to play alone. Instead of passively waiting to be entertained, you give your children the gift of actively enjoying their world.
Sabotage 4. You’re too accepting. We want our children to explore their world. Reading quality books introduces them to great characters and opens new worlds. Watching good programs helps them meet diverse people and learn new skills. Toys teach life skills through play.
At the same time, we need to be sure our choices aren’t undercutting the very mothering we teach. A variety of popular books feature rude, complaining main characters—not the best influence for raising polite children. Some television shows depict parents tolerating the very behavior we are trying to eliminate. Toys, especially those with names like Bratz, exalt attitudes we forbid. We want our children to explore their world—we also need to be sure that what they take in supports our parenting rather than working against it.
Sabotage 5. You’re too selfless. Mothering is a tough profession. Getting it right requires investing time, emotion, and mental and physical energy to nurture and train our children. With all that flowing out, we’d better find a way to recharge or we soon won’t have anything to give.
· Attend to the physical. We need sleep; we need good food; we need physical exercise. If it’s been a while since you’ve had a full night’s sleep or something other than macaroni—you may find taking a nap or specifically planning a great lunch does wonders for your time with your children. Some moms have the cardinal rule that everyone—whether they nap or not—lays down for an hour so that she can have a quiet hour of rest. Others find a babysitter or join a gym with childcare to get the exercise they need. Taking care of yourself helps you care for your children.
· Attend to the emotional. We get majorly charged by the relationship with our children. They give us their love, their humor, and their unique perspective on life—a major source of joy. At the same time, it’s unfair to expect our little ones to be our sole emotional relationship. Recharge by spending regular time visiting with friends encouraging and being encouraged by them. Make the first twenty minutes hubby is home a sacred time where you reconnect with each other. Having healthy relationships in your life helps you have a healthy relationship with your children.
· Attend to the spiritual. It’s much easier you pour love into your children when the Author of Love is pouring into you. Make time to meet your God and be loved by Him. As you take moments to pause and worship God for who He is and thank Him for the wonderful family He’s given you, He will pour His abundant love for you into you giving you a wellspring of love for your family.
We want to be great moms. Avoiding these common sabotages can help us get there.
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This month’s topic: What do you see as a common sabotage to good parenting?
