Every parent wants it: the gasp, the wide eyes, the “Oh! Mommy and Daddy—it’s perfect!” So how do we find the perfect gift to let our children know just how much we love them? A few tips can help.
Survey the children. As part of the dinner table conversation, ask family members to state their favorite Christmas gift from last year. It’s not a fail-safe test, but the results will distinguish those gifts that have stood the test of time from those that may have excited for a moment but quickly passed out of mind.
Follow with, “What made that gift so special? What were other gifts you remember and still cherish?” As the conversation unfolds, you’ll gain insight into the kind of gift that means the most to each child.
Compare notes. Each parent notices different signals from your children and focuses on different aspects of gift-giving. If you work together, chances are you will do much better at finding a gift that speaks your love than working separately.
My husband compiles a complete list of our children’s requests and masterfully discerns which items they truly want versus the last item they saw in a toy catalogue. I, on the other hand, have to go to a store, hold the item, and envision the child’s look on Christmas morning. We typically make a date and hit the stores using Mike’s list as a guide for me to test gifts. As I intuitively focus on items I can envision lighting our child’s face, he focuses on the interests and desires behind the child’s actual requests. Together, we have a pretty good track record of getting “it” for each child.
Consider their love language. Some children save every note, card, or trinket they’ve received. These tangible signs of another’s love become treasures that fill their love tank. For such children, gifts take on an added significance because they aren’t just presents, they are the language by which the child hears, “I love you.”
For others, gifts are great but they feel truly loved when Mom takes them out for a soda or Dad cuddles with them on the couch reading. Time is their love language.
Still others feel truly loved when complimented—either to their face or through a note left in their lunch. Those words of affirmation communicate love more clearly than the whole toy room combined.
Children who crave physical affection feel loved by consistent hugs, tussles on the floor, or tickle-fests. Still other children feel most loved when others do acts of service for them such as making their lunch or driving them to practice.
If we want our gift giving to communicate our love, we must include their love language in some aspect of the process. Sure, our son may be asking for a 10-speed bike. But, if his love language is time—the gift will only truly communicate love if we pull out our own bikes and take a spin with him.
Get your daughter the requested doll house. But if she needs words of affirmation, include in her stocking a letter detailing all she has meant to you this year.
If your child is a gifts person, that can seem the easiest child to please this Christmas, yet there is a hidden danger. If you are careless, the gift may not only miss, but the message may be rejection. If you take time to find a gift that hits, you also communicate acceptance and love.
Choosing the perfect gift is every parent’s dream; falling short is every parent’s nightmare. Take time to inventory what means the most to your children, pool your insights with your spouse’s, and include their love language in the process. Then wait for the gasp, the wide eyes and the, “Oh! It’s perfect!”
This month’s topic: What is the best gift you have given? How did it become the best?
"All our discontents about what we want appeared to spring from the want of thankfulness for what we have." Daniel Defoe
Does trying to please your children ever wear you out? So many parents work long hours to provide luxuries so children can keep up with friends, rush children to the latest, greatest activity, and worry whether they can provide enough. Yet, despite the working and rushing and worrying, children are discontent. Perhaps the answer isn’t providing more. Perhaps we need to simply teach our children thankfulness for what they already have.
Consider the pilgrims:
· Suffering—seasickness and disease for over 2 months at sea
· Stranded—far from security of intended landing site
· Grief-stricken--because over half their number died the first winter
· Thankful—for all the blessings they still had
“Thank you for the food making this winter survivable. Thank you for the friendship of the local natives without which we would not survive. Thank you that we could establish a government for the protection of all. Thank you for life.” If you read the diaries of the Pilgrims, the overarching tenor of their stories is thankfulness for all that life in this new place offered. As little as they had, they were deeply grateful.
How can we inspire that kind of gratitude in our children? November provides a perfect setting for focusing on gratitude. Take this month to build traditions that instill gratitude that lasts long after the turkey is consumed.
· Construct a memorial. This can take many forms—choose the one best suited to your family. We took the base of a fountain and gathered smooth, flat stones from a nearby riverbed. On the stones, family members wrote specific experiences or things for which they were grateful. Every time a new blessing is given, another stone is added. As they glimmer under the water, the stones remind us of God’s amazing provision.
Others use colorful baskets and collect memorial stones in these. Still others plant a tree or special perennial to commemorate the blessings of the year.
· Create a gratefulness box. Have children decorate a shoe box then cut a slit in the lid. Each evening take a moment for each person to write on a slip of paper the thing for which they are most grateful from the day. (Parents can help younger children, or they can draw a picture.) On Thanksgiving, open the box and read the blessings from the month. The nightly practice of choosing something for which to give thanks develops a habit of gratitude and contentment.
· Give to others. Children are innately generous. Choose a charity related to children and have your children create a plan to support this charity. They might donate their gently used clothing and toys to a neighborhood shelter. Older children might choose one night per week to serve a meal at a homeless shelter for families. Our family’s favorite is to purchase gifts for Operation Christmas Child. Our children each choose a child comparable in age and gender to them and use their savings to fill a shoe box with toys and necessities. I’m always humbled by both their generosity and excitment as they spend their frugal allowances to make another child’s Christmas. Their favorite part is writing a letter to the child. (Note: Boxes have a November deadline. Check local sources for yours.) As children give to those in need, they generally become more content with what they have.
Thankfulness. As we teach our children to be thankful we not only relieve ourselves from exhaustion, but we open the door to true contentment for our children. No wonder Thanksgiving is quickly becoming a favorite holiday for families everywhere.
Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.
This month’s topic: What are your favorite Thanksgiving traditions?
"Scary, Mommy, scary!!" My daughter cringes as we scurry past a moaning skeleton whose fingers grasp at our grocery cart. Blood covered costumes line store aisles, scary masks peek from the shelves, eerie music plays over the speakers--just another October shopping trip. When children feel more fear than fun, how do parents keep the anxiety to a minimum?
Anticipate more fear. Though many children enjoy the thrill of being scared, many others find the season a little too creepy. Children up to about age six or seven have trouble separating what's real from fantasy. So, even if children seem fine in the store, displays have the potential to stay in children's heads and create fear later. If you notice your child hiding their eyes or helplessly transfixed on the scary mask or making more visits to your bed during the night, this may be the month to let them stay home while you shop.
The scenes aren't confined just to stores. Our children also see scary decorations in yards and may have friends who relish showing off their new gargoyle mask with the spike through the eye. Simply being in tune with how your child is coping and quickly separating them if the atmosphere becomes too overwhelming will head off nightmares and anxiety that last long after Halloween is over.
Focus on fun. Fall fills the senses--from colorful trees to the smell of a bonfire to leaves crunching underfoot. If your children exhibit anxiety, turning their focus to the beauty of fall can work wonders. Painting funny faces on pumpkins or creating a fall scene with different gourds can add beauty to your home and give children a chance to actively participate in a non-threatening fall activity. Hayrides, corn mazes, and fall campouts are other ways to enjoy fall beauty.
Silly costumes divert attention to the fun. Children love to dress up. Amidst all the scary options are super heroes, princesses, and their favorite cartoon characters. Providing costumes to match our child's latest love allows him or her to join the fun of dress-up without enduring the grotesque and takes the focus from fearful to fun.
Explore alternatives. For parents of children who are especially sensitive or parents who would rather avoid the Halloween scene altogether, a variety of churches and community groups offer alternative parties with special themes that avoid anything scary. Check local papers for notices of fun alternatives that side-step the creepy altogether.
Fall offers beauty, excitement, and a variety of activities not available any other season--it's no time to hide away. If parents pay attention to how children experience all they are seeing, we can turn fall from a season of fear to a season of fun.
This month’s topic: What are your favorite fall activities?
Soccer, drama, piano, Algebra club, Boy Scouts, Girls in Action—the activities available to our children astounds. For many families the motto is, “sign up early and often” to expose children to as many opportunities as possible. While each opportunity is good, families can soon find ourselves drowning in our schedule. How do parents take advantage of all the good available to our children while protecting family time and ties? Consider these signs that your family may be in over its head.
Skipping family dinners. By every measure—eating dinner together improves family life. Lower depression rates, lower drug usage, lower risky sexual behavior, better grades, and increased family ties all characterize children who regularly eat dinner with family. Cutting out family dinners to accommodate extracurricular activities may be a sign the activities are out of balance.
Options —set aside two sacrosanct days per week to eat dinner together. When soccer teams or piano teachers ask for those nights, simply reply that those nights are already booked. In our over-scheduled culture, most coaches/teachers will accept this without further inquiry. Even if you get push-back, sticking to these nights teaches our children that family takes priority over extra activities—an important lesson in itself.
—eat when you can. Whether everyone converges on Wendy’s® prior to scattering for the night’s activities or eats together at ten o’clock—set dinner when everyone can be together. Again, the effort to find a time teaches that we will protect family in the midst of activity.
Wearing soccer gear to church. When extra-curricular activities cause us to skip or compromise those priorities we claim are more important, we may be treading deep water. When two events clash, the one we choose signals which matters most. If we’re dashing from church to make a game, we may be signaling that sports counts more than faith. If that’s true—no problem. If we wouldn’t say that’s true, we need to avoid sending the wrong signal by choosing the top priority over the lesser with our time. Healthy families keep top priorities top.
Option—create a family priority list. When deciding whether to add a new activity, pause to ask, “What happens if child succeeds? Will any part of this commitment cause us to compromise on higher priorities?” If so, it may be better to take a pass.
With the range of options available, there will be opportunities which support, rather than compete with, family values. When our family found every night of the week devoted to a different child’s soccer practice and two parents consistently working to be at three different soccer fields in three different towns at the same time, we looked for another option. We found a karate program where all children (and even parents) attended the same night at the same time. We still got our sports fix, and we gained four nights to be together at home.
Replacing family fun with family frustration. Activities are supposed to enrich our lives. When they are at a healthy level, families enjoy going to practices, performances, and the overall experience of being part of the group. If the family emotion has gone from pleasure to panic, the tone from encouraging to bickering, and the pace from calm to frenetic—call the life guard. Impatience and frustration characterize overloaded families. When frustration replaces fun, it’s time to pare down.
Option—each has different limits. Know thyself. Discern the number of hours of outside involvement which allows your family to participate while maintaining an atmosphere of patience, enjoyment, and a sense of control over events, then set this as a hard limit. A good rule of thumb for younger children is two hours per week, for middle and high school students about six hours per week. This allows involvement in activity while preserving time for homework, family, and general downtime.
We want the best for our children, so we take advantage of every opportunity to expose them to the good stuff of life. Yet, we need to remember—the best stuff of life is simply being together as family. Finding the balance between individual activity and healthy home life is a constant challenge. A little attention to common warning signs can help keep family as the central priority while we enjoy the range of opportunities waiting to enrich our children’s lives.
This month’s topic: What activities does your family enjoy? How do you set limits?
Summer is winding down. For many families, school begins in just three weeks. How will you spend those last precious days together?
“What have you enjoyed most over the past year? “ Our family ponders this question every New Year’s Eve. A few years ago Mike and I were quite surprised by our children's answer. Though we typically don’t travel much, we had enjoyed the good fortune of a variety of big trips—Washington, D.C., the Florida coast, and the west.
The unanimous chorus of our children on the favorite event of the year? A tiny camping trip we had taken to a local state park. Though our children enjoyed the bigger trips, they cherished the downtime of being together and simply fishing a quiet lake, meandering through the woods, and telling stories around the campfire.
Whether your children head off to school or you homeschool, there is very little summer left. What great family moments still wait for you? It doesn’t have to be big. As the little boy in the movie, Up, declares, it’s the “boring” stuff that children often most enjoy.
Have you?
- Watched clouds in the sky
- Had a picnic in the park
- Caught lightning bugs
- Run through a sprinkler
- Enjoyed a drive-in movie
- Camped in the backyard
- Raced your child down a slide
- Played an all-night card tournament
- Gone fishing
- Attended an ethnic festival
- Watched a parade
- Enjoyed an free movie/play/concert at the park
- Roasted marshmallows over a fire
- Played flashlight tag
Between camps, sports training, large vacations, and outdoor chores—the fun of summer can get lost. Don’t let this one get away without enjoying some of the “boring stuff” that builds lifelong memories.
This month’s topic: What are your best memories of past summers?
“Mom—can you play, NOW?”
How often I hear those words! They are both a blessing—and a little bit of a curse. Of course I want to play with my children. Some of our best memories are created during the fun moments of the day. At the same time, there’s always work to do. If I take time to play a game on the floor, I see the laundry waiting to be folded. If I go outside to swing, I see the garden needs weeding. Yet, working to make a home for others but never sharing their lives is pretty pointless mothering. So, what’s a mom to do?
· Set a schedule. We’ve all heard, “Pick your battles.” This is great advice for balancing time spent on the housework with time spent engaging with children. At the beginning of the day—block out a time period for work and a time for play. Choose the most important tasks and complete those during work time. A deadline for completing house tasks often leads to more efficiency. At the same time, if you can let kiddos know that you will be available to play at a certain time (and you stick to it), they are more likely to let you work in peace. Focus on work during work time, then head to play time and treat it with the same priority as work (it’s just a lot more fun!). For some moms, just putting play on the list legitimizes the time rather than seeing it as a competition for the “real” work.
· Recruit the children. A wise mom once told me, “If mom is working while others are playing, something is very wrong.” If your children are over the age of three, they are ready to offer real help around the house. Sure, you have to stick with age appropriate expectations, but a four year old can fold socks, put clothes in drawers, and pick up toys. Reduce your workload and spend time with children by getting them to work with you.
Younger children should work in the same room as you so you can oversee their efforts. Older children can be assigned tasks on their own. Again, if you make clear, “We’re going to work until 11:00 on (specify tasks), then enjoy some time together” chances are you’ll get cooperation. Even better—have children contribute to the list of what needs done and plan who will do what part. Their ownership increases productivity. Children learn how to cooperate with each other, develop an understanding for all you do, and appreciate the playtime much more.
· Leave the house. I’ve found that leaving the house substantially increases my enjoyment of time with my children. Whether we head to the pool or park, I can concentrate on them rather than that crumb covered counter or ringing phone. Focus on destinations that are child proof, easy to navigate, and encourage togetherness rather than separation and you’ll have a series of fun outings that build great playtime memories.
“Mom, can you play now?” With a little planning, you can say “Yes! Let’s go!” and engage in some of the most treasured moments of the day.
This month’s topic: How do you create balance between the roles you carry?
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Do you want an innovative way to connect with your children while teaching life lessons? Plant a garden. Sure, you’ll get either beautiful floral center pieces for your table or fresh veggies for the fridge. More importantly, gardens provide the opportunity to explore the nature of relationships in a way few other endeavors can match. Gardens teach:
· Good takes time. Machines deliver instant results, so it’s for children to believe that all good things come at the flick of a switch. Machines may deliver instant results; people take time. So do gardens.
You plant a seed; nothing happens—for days. When the sprout finally emerges, weeks pass before it becomes a recognizable plant. The first bud or bite can take more than a month. While we’re waiting to bite into that first juicy tomato, we can help our children understand that people likewise take time. That gross boy from math class is on his way to witty and caring; that stuck up girl will become a compassionate nurse. We just need to wait for them to blossom.
· Good needs tending. Watering, weeding, fertilizing, pruning are key to healthy gardens and relationships. Our children get the excitement of welcoming a baby sister or meeting a new friend. Grasping how much work must go into keeping this relationship going is more elusive. They are going to have water their relationships with time and fertilize with care and concern. They will have to weed out bad habits and prune away distractions. As they learn to tend gardens, they learn to tend relationships.
· Some relationships die. No matter how carefully a gardener tries, some plants die. So do some relationships. It’s heartbreaking. It seems like such a waste to have spent time and effort on something that never bore fruit, yet it happens with gardens and people. No matter how much we care and work, it dies. Learning to replant the cucumbers and try again is great practice for choosing to pursue relationships even after a beloved friend has cut off contact or faded away.
· The harvest is worth it. As you enjoy the color of your flowers or a juicy strawberry dessert, children learn the work is worth the effort. Just as with gardens, there are moments where we can doubt that the time with brothers or best friends is worth it. But, then you have that glorious afternoon playing together or that long talk that reminds you how special this person is to you. In the moments of harvest we enjoy the fruit of our labor and gain momentum to keep going. Whether you plant enough beds to feed your family or a single tomato plant in a pot on the deck, tending a garden can teach your children life lessons they can’t learn anywhere else. So, grab your gloves and a hoe and get digging.
This month’s topic: What are your favorite garden memories with your children?
We moms love our children. We poll friends, attend workshops, and read everything we can get our hands on to get glimmers of insight on how to do our job right. Yet, sometimes the harder we try the worse outcome we get. Why?! Unknowingly we can sabotage the very mothering success we desire. Though it can take many forms—here follow five common mothering mistakes.
Sabotage 1. You’re too patient. Patience is a virtue and the mainstay of motherhood. Our children are, well, childish. They need calm, gentle, clear responses from us—in short patience.
Yet, if you find yourself in a discussion every time you tell your four-year-old to go to bed or ask her to color while you visit with a friend, it may be that you’re too patient. Though it’s important to take the time to understand our children’s perspective, if we let our children continue to misbehave under the guise of being patient, their natural response will be to disobey long enough to keep us responding to them instead of them responding to us. Take note of your child’s perspective before giving a command. If she needs a drink before bed, get that. Then, give the order to sleep. If she begins a discussion, impose a consequence. In this way you patiently work with your child without patience becoming a stumbling block to obedience.
Sabotage 2. You’re too flexible. You get a great routine going, and the children are cooperating with the daily flow—then, it happens. You go on vacation. Relatives visit. Child gets sick. The routine goes out the window to accommodate life. That’s necessary.
Yet, if we never get back to the routine, life can play havoc with our best mothering endeavors. It’s good to give latitude to our children when they are grumpy because they don’t feel well. If we continue to give leeway to grumpiness long after the fever breaks, we undercut our best mothering. Getting back into the routine and ordinary behavioral expectations after the extraordinary passes supports our best efforts.
Sabatoge 3. You’re too involved. Children need our time and interaction. Those moments wrestling on the floor, reading books, playing kitchen reveal the incredible uniqueness of our child. We don’t want to miss that.
Yet, our children also need to develop the skill of learning to entertain themselves. If mom has become the sole source of entertainment, it may be a sign you’re too involved. Let the daily schedule include both times for you to play, explore, and interact with your children and times for them to explore on their own. Whether you put them on the couch with a stack of books (even two year olds can look at the pictures) while you vacuum, on the kitchen floor to play with blocks while you do dishes, or at a table to color while you pay bills—set aside time for them to play alone. Instead of passively waiting to be entertained, you give your children the gift of actively enjoying their world.
Sabotage 4. You’re too accepting. We want our children to explore their world. Reading quality books introduces them to great characters and opens new worlds. Watching good programs helps them meet diverse people and learn new skills. Toys teach life skills through play.
At the same time, we need to be sure our choices aren’t undercutting the very mothering we teach. A variety of popular books feature rude, complaining main characters—not the best influence for raising polite children. Some television shows depict parents tolerating the very behavior we are trying to eliminate. Toys, especially those with names like Bratz, exalt attitudes we forbid. We want our children to explore their world—we also need to be sure that what they take in supports our parenting rather than working against it.
Sabotage 5. You’re too selfless. Mothering is a tough profession. Getting it right requires investing time, emotion, and mental and physical energy to nurture and train our children. With all that flowing out, we’d better find a way to recharge or we soon won’t have anything to give.
· Attend to the physical. We need sleep; we need good food; we need physical exercise. If it’s been a while since you’ve had a full night’s sleep or something other than macaroni—you may find taking a nap or specifically planning a great lunch does wonders for your time with your children. Some moms have the cardinal rule that everyone—whether they nap or not—lays down for an hour so that she can have a quiet hour of rest. Others find a babysitter or join a gym with childcare to get the exercise they need. Taking care of yourself helps you care for your children.
· Attend to the emotional. We get majorly charged by the relationship with our children. They give us their love, their humor, and their unique perspective on life—a major source of joy. At the same time, it’s unfair to expect our little ones to be our sole emotional relationship. Recharge by spending regular time visiting with friends encouraging and being encouraged by them. Make the first twenty minutes hubby is home a sacred time where you reconnect with each other. Having healthy relationships in your life helps you have a healthy relationship with your children.
· Attend to the spiritual. It’s much easier you pour love into your children when the Author of Love is pouring into you. Make time to meet your God and be loved by Him. As you take moments to pause and worship God for who He is and thank Him for the wonderful family He’s given you, He will pour His abundant love for you into you giving you a wellspring of love for your family.
We want to be great moms. Avoiding these common sabotages can help us get there.
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This month’s topic: What do you see as a common sabotage to good parenting?
“Mommy!!” I heard our toddler wailing from her bedroom—for the fourth time that night. As I again dragged my weary body from bed to see what was wrong, I mentally steeled myself to be patient. I certainly wasn’t feeling patient. I just wanted her to GO TO SLEEP! I had to consciously remind myself that loving her meant being gentle and kind even when I felt exasperated.
In this “month of love” we are inundated with messages of what it means to love. Mostly these tout romantic love. Love that, like Cupid’s arrow, randomly pierces your heart. You can’t control it; you just follow where it leads. This Valentine's Day how about giving our children an understanding of real love in all its wonder?
Love is fun. One element the Valentine’s advertisements get right is that love is fun! Whether we’re wrestling on the floor, curling up to enjoy a favorite movie, or taking an early morning walk to share the sunrise—being with, connecting to, enjoying the company of those we love is fun. During this month of love—we can intentionally add elements of Valentine fun to bring us together.
Pull out the construction paper and decorate the windows with hearts and paper cut-outs of family members. (Even easier—print Valentine’s coloring pages from the internet and color together.) Have your family design a Valentine’s feast of everyone’s favorite dishes and spend some time preparing the meal together complete with heart-shaped brownies for dessert. Plan a special winter outing. Whether you try cross country skiing, visit a new museum, or sample a new board game—having adventures together is one of the best expressions of real love.
Love is committed. In the Valentine version of love, you get to follow your heart. If you feel like sacrificing, you do. If your heart just isn’t into it, you get to bail. That’s not real love. I don’t get to respond to my daughter’s middle-of-the-night crying only when I feel like it. She depends on me to protect her, provide for her, and to comfort her—no matter how I feel.
We give our children an understanding of real love every time we give ourselves to them—most especially when we really don’t feel like giving ourselves. It speaks volumes when, in the middle of our busy day, we set other attentions aside to fully listen to them tell their story or sit on the floor to play a game. Our children feel loved when we commit to caring for them, nurturing them, cuddling them—no matter our mood or the endless list of other things to do. They even feel loved when we remain committed to enforcing the standards we’ve set. In a chaotic world, parents who hold the line provide security, comfort, and a real sense of being loved.
Love is for everyone. Those who tout romantic love often make it seem that love is the exclusive province of those with perfect bodies and winning smiles. For children who feel self-conscious, clumsy, and all-too-imperfect, this version leaves them in the cold. We can teach our children that love isn’t based on fitting an arbitrary mold—love comes simply with being part of the family. We love them because God designed them to be in our homes just as they are. We love them because they belong with us and are part of us. The security of being loved no matter what is the best gift we can give our children.
The best expressions of this love are those that make clearly communicate our love in a way our children can hear it. When we take time to sit with those children who just love to visit or to play with those children who need a heavy-duty physical outlet, when we give trinkets to our collectors and write notes to our children who blossom under praise--we concretely demonstrate that our love is tailored to them. When we take time to communicate our love in the way our child best hears it, they realize love is for everyone—especially them.
As I enter my daughter’s room and whisper, “What’s the matter, honey?” She grasps my neck and pulls me close. I feel her body relax against mine, safe in the protection of my arms. As she drifts to sleep, she murmurs, “I love you, Mommy.” As my heart swells with an incomprehensible adoration of my daughter, I realize my exasperation would have had me miss this moment. I pray I never give in to simply following my feelings. Instead, may we all spend our days enjoying the wonder of real love.
This month’s topic: What are your favorite Valentine traditions?
