We all want to make Christmas special for our children. How can we know we’ve done it? Though children’s wishes are as varied as the children, focus on a few keys and we can ensure a special holiday. Step 1—include their love language.
If you haven’t heard of or read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, give yourself an early present and snag this book. It will change your relationships.
In short, the book outlines the five ways love is communicated: gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, and time. Though we all generally like all of these—we each receive love primarily through one. We may feel loved when others tell us we’re special--words of affirmation. If our family members focus on hugs, our love tank runs dry.
It’s like someone shouting, “Te amo!!!!!!!!” at the top of their lungs. If we don’t speak Spanish, we don’t know they are saying , “I love you.” Knowing and speaking your love in your child’s/spouse’s love language ensures your message gets to them.
At Christmas we focus on saying, “I love you,” often through gifts. Remember the love-language component to ensure the gifts you choose communicate your love in all the ways you intend.
· G Gifts. A gifts person attaches great significance to tangible expression of love. They feel loved when you take the time to find the toy, card, or collectible that demonstrates you know their true personality. For those whose primary love language is gifts—Christmas is a bonanza. Surrounded by tangible expressions of others’ love, this may truly be the most wonderful time of the year.
Caveat—The stakes are much higher for parents of gifts children. A thoughtless gift doesn’t just disappoint, it communicates disregard for the person.
Christmas preparation—intently listen to this child’s preferences. Watch what makes her eyes light up. Gifts people aren’t greedier than others; they simply attach great significance to tangible expressions of love. Sometime the simplest gifts are the most significant. A gift’s significance comes from the direct connection to the interests, traits, foci of the recipient. Here is the child for whom you NEVER buy a substitute. If they ask for the blue Radio Flyer bike—get the blue Radio Flyer bike or nothing. Don’t substitute the cheap, red Wal-Mart knock-off.
· W Words of affirmation. This person thrives when others specifically affirm their core traits either verbally or through cards and letters. When you take the time to mention, “You handled that argument with your sister really well” or to say “I love the way your mind works” you communicate an interest in and attention to the person that affirms the very essence of the person.
Caveat—Because words carry heightened meaning—they either affirm or negate the significance of this child. Beware of the stress of the season leading to outbursts on your part, or you could ruin the season for them.
Christmas preparation— get this child a tangible something from their list but also give a gift of words. Include a letter from you saying what you have valued in them over the past year in their stocking. Leave a card for each of the twelve days of Christmas on their pillow noting a trait you especially appreciate. No matter what else you get, they will know you love them
Acts of service. These children experience love through the acts others do for them. This can be tricky for parents who try to teach responsibility through assigning most self-care as chores. While these children do need to learn these tasks, they also need their love tank filled by an occasional act by you.
Caveat—Christmas can put even more strain on these children as you ask more and more of them and have even less time to do for them. No matter your intention, they can get to the end of the season feeling ignored and unloved.
Christmas preparation—the perfect gift for this child is the “coupon book.” Along with other gifts, create a book of coupons offering a variety of actions you will do for them on presentation of the coupon. Whether you make their school lunch, clean out their car, or put away their toys—each act communicates the love you feel in a way he can receive.
· P Physical touch. This child thrives on back rubs, frequent hugs, and sitting in your lap. While children are young, their love tanks are usually brimming because we are always holding, carrying, or hugging them. As children get older, a natural and appropriate distance develops as we pull back a little to respect boundaries. But, pull back too much or treat their growing independence as a signal to stop the physical affection, and their tanks run dry.
Christmas preparation—another great use of the coupon book—make ten coupons for backrubs and leave in child’s stocking. Make an effort to hug several times each day. As you pass them, ruffle their hair or give a squeeze. Develop this a habit, and you fill their tank even before Christmas comes.
· T Time. This child thrives on one-on-one time with you. Going for a walk, playing a game, or eating out together all become investments of time and attention that speak your love. The activity doesn’t matter; the time focusing exclusively on them does.
Caveat—though the busyness of the season can impair relationships with any child, the busyness impacts this child most deeply. As you plan your trips to the mall, gatherings with friends, and holiday outings—don’t let one-on-one time with this child get lost.
Christmas preparation—You can give the gift of establishing a weekly date to spend time with your child. Whether you go out for a soda, take a weekly walk in the park, or do an activity of her choosing each week; you invest the time that speaks your love.
We want our children to have a great Christmas. When you include their love language in your holiday preparation, you communicate your love. Isn’t that the point? As you make clear how much you love your children, you open their eyes to the real Christmas miracle—the coming of Jesus to communicate how much God loves them, too.
To make a healthy home—remember the love language.
Oceanus Hopkins had a rough start. His parents, fleeing persecution, crowded onto a ship headed for a new land. Fighting seasickness, rotting food, and the effects of tight living-quarters, Oceanus’s mother gave birth aboard the Mayflower making him the 32nd child to join the 102 travelers seeking a new life in Virginia. When a storm blew the ship far north to uncharted territory on the coast of Massachusetts, few anticipated the trials they would face. Forty-seven would die in the "Starving Time" of the first year.
Some historians credit the ultimate survival of the colony to the number of children who went to the new world. Because children had a higher survival rate than the adults, they added longevity to the colony. Before traveling to the new world, the children worked a variety of difficult jobs making them hardy, hard-working, and able to significantly contribute to the daily needs of the colony. On arrival they gathered food, helped build shelter, and learned survival techniques from the Wampanoag tribe which came to their aid. Oceanus Hopkins was born into this adventure. His name was added to the list of children who joined with the adults to face the trials of the new world head-on and create a new life.
As we pause this Thanksgiving, I have to admit that I am extremely thankful that I live in a different time. I will put my children to bed in a warm house which ably protects them from the elements. Their stomachs will be filled with nutritious food. Should they become ill, our doctor will likely be able both to tell me what is wrong and treat them.
Pilgrim parents couldn’t offer their children any of this. Rudimentary shelters, hastily built in the raw November days, offered meager sanctuary from the cold. Scanty portions of food barely took the edge off continual hunger plaguing the colony that first, bitter winter. When their children grew ill, parents could only pray for their child to beat the odds of a nearly inevitable death. I feel so fortunate compared to the Pilgrim parents. Yet, I wonder, “Am I doing as well by my children as they did by theirs?”
Though the trials are very different, today’s families face the challenge of building a life in the unknown much as our Pilgrim forefathers did. With the rush of ever-changing technology, financial upheaval, and the focus on global interdependence and connection; families are forging a new life in uncharted territory. The Pilgrims prepared their children to take a significant role as allies in their struggle and to work with them to build a better life. Have we taught our children to actively contribute to building a good life in the midst of the unknown? Are they:
· Strong enough to face hardship?
· Skilled enough to overcome it?
- What is our family mission: What do we want to stand for as a family? What do we want to accomplish in the coming year?
- What resources do we have to fulfill this mission—what tools, what connections, what gifts/skills does each member have to contribute?
- What challenges will we have to overcome?
- What will be the blessing of succeeding? What will we lose if we fail?
In our intense gratitude for all the blessings our children enjoy, let us not substitute passive reception of blessing for active involvement in creating blessing. Instead of shielding our children, may we work with them to create a vision for the future in which they actively participate and toward which they significantly contribute. Oceanus and the other Pilgrim children worked alongside their parents to lay the foundation of our nation. This Thanksgiving offers our families the opportunity to explore how we will work together to meet the challenges of today and to build a heritage for which future generations will pause to give thanks.
