Mom, do you remember the moment? That moment when your pregnant body refused to take another stair, to bend to pick up another sock, to even move out of the rocker. Can you imagine climbing on a donkey every day for a week to travel over rocks, up hills, through water to a distant town? Can you envision the fear of labor pains starting on the night you share a floor with goats and cows? No mother, no friend, no familiar midwife to call. Sure, the vision of the angel telling you this is God’s son vividly permeates your thoughts, but could it have been real? Would God have allowed Caesar to order you to move so far in so delicate a condition? Wouldn’t God provide better for His Son?

Dad, do you remember the moment? The moment your bride announced the impending birth of your first child. Do you recall the surprise, the pride, the wonder? Joseph experienced none of that. Horror, anger, despair that the woman he loved had publicly made a mockery of him was all he likely felt at Mary’s announcement of impending birth. Sure, the vision of the angel telling you this is God’s son vividly permeates your thoughts. But, as you struggle to pull a donkey across a desert, find a room for your bride to rest, locate a midwife in a distant town—could it have been real? Would God have allowed this turn of events? Wouldn’t God provide better for His Son?

This Christmas parents will struggle mightily to provide a “good Christmas” for our children. Though times are tough, we will find a way to get something to light their eyes and give a sense of wonder. Yet, even as we troll the aisles looking for “it,” we may struggle with questions. If the God we worship is sovereign, if we are following His plan—how can this be happening to us? Wouldn’t God provide better for His people?

God used Caesar to move Mary to David’s birthplace to fulfill prophesy and clearly establish Jesus’ identity as God’s plan of salvation from the dawn of time. Choosing a woman from Bethlehem could be dismissed as coincidence. The unusual moving of a woman from a far distance pointed to God. God’s provision of a stable instead of suite at the inn allowed socially outcast shepherds to be the first to gaze upon the Savior. God demonstrated, unlike most religions, that His salvation is for all—even the lowliest. God’s movement of the wisest men of the age from a distant land likewise demonstrated that the greatest would bow to Jesus. In every aspect of the Christmas story we see the seemingly worst circumstances intentionally planned to reveal God’s hand.

As you struggle with circumstances that seem to argue against God’s sovereignty, God’s care, or His provision—consider Joseph and Mary. They had every reason to doubt—yet their lives perfectly reveal God to us. As God’s plan unfolded Mary treasured the signs that her faith was well-placed. Stick with the plan God has given you. As you do, your unfolding life will reveal God’s hand both to you and others to demonstrate your faith is well-placed.

As the backdrop to the new bike, the costumed Barbie, and the pile of Lego’s, the security of parents faithfully putting their confidence in the goodness, power, and love of God—even in testing times—ministers to the heart of our children. While you may not have to haul a pregnant belly onto a donkey or live down the rumors surrounding your wife, you will walk in Joseph and Mary’s footsteps each time you trust God despite the circumstances that surround. That faithful walk will become the greatest gift you give your children and the very core of a “good Christmas.”

Oceanus Hopkins had a rough start. His parents, fleeing persecution, crowded onto a ship with Pilgrims and others to head for a new land. Fighting seasickness, rotting food, and the effects of tight living-quarters, Oceanus’s mother gave birth aboard the Mayflower making him the 32nd child to join the 102 travelers going to Virginia to seek a new life. After a storm blew the ship off course, they landed in uncharted territory on the coast of Massachusetts. Though everyone knew life would be hard, few fully realized the trials they would face.

Some historians credit the ultimate survival of the colony to the number of children who went to the new world. Nearly half of those who sailed died that first winter, yet children had a higher survival rate than the adults. This added longevity to the colony. Hardy and hard-working—the children gathered food, helped build shelter, and learned survival techniques from the Wampanoag tribe which came to their aid. Oceanus Hopkins was born into this adventure, facing the trials of the new world head-on alongside the adults to create a new life.

This Thanksgiving, I have to admit that I am extremely thankful to live in a different time. I will put my children to bed in a warm shelter with their stomachs full of nutritious food. Should they become ill, our doctor will likely be able both to tell me what is wrong and provide treatment. Pilgrim parents could offer only rudimentary shelters and scant food. I feel so fortunate compared to them. Yet, I wonder, “Am I doing as well by my children as they did by theirs?”

Though the trials are very different, today’s families face the challenge of building a life in the unknown much as our Pilgrim forefathers did. Ever-changing technologies, financial upheaval, the inability of basic institutions to adequately serve their mission, and global interdependence force families to forge a new life in uncharted territory. Have we prepared our children as well as the Pilgrims prepared theirs?

Can our children work hard? The Pilgrim children weren’t assigned chores to simply fill a chart and earn a reward. Their efforts were critical to family survival. Whether firewood was handy or difficult, children must get it or freeze to death. Food was gathered—even if it took all day. Because our children’s efforts are more an act of training than integral to real accomplishment, it’s easy for us to let them off the hook when the going gets tough. Instead, we need to prepare our children to face difficulty, to persevere in the most difficult circumstances. Instead of letting them off the hook, we must find jobs that have real meaning and require our children to see them through to the end.

Can our children team with us? The Pilgrim children worked with their parents to establish their colony. They pooled skills, supported and encouraged each other, and sought together the new life they envisioned. Does your family work together toward goals? Do your children have the experience of combining their skills with yours to achieve a common vision? Some can work hard for personal benefit. Delaying gratification, persevering through hardship, and putting up with those less skilled all for the sake of achieving benefit for a larger group takes a a special kind of strength. Our children’s best preparation for this is teaming with us.

Can they learn from others? Have we taught our children to respect and listen to others so that they can learn from others? The Pilgrim children’s lives depended on their respect toward and willingness to listen to the Wampanoag—even when these tribal people were so different from anyone they had known. In this time of national interdependence time, our fates are intertwined with those of people around the globe. Do our children know how to respect and listen to those who are very different but have information to offer? We must instill a basic respect for others in our children so that they are able to build relationships with, gain from, and offer to these others in order to work together. Even in times of strong disagreement, this basic willingness to respect and listen can build alliances across differences that may mean our children’s very survival.

Do our children have a vision to carry them through the toughest times? Though there were many other travelers on the Mayflower, the Pilgrims came to this land dedicated to creating a land where God was worshipped biblically. They staked their very lives on this call. Their commitment to this vision enabled them to face and overcome hardship instead of giving in to despair. Do our children have a vision that will provide the focus and incentive to overcome any hardship they face?

Thanksgiving reminds us to be thankful of the privilege of living in this great country. As we pause to remember those who helped found our nation, may we also glean a few parenting strategies. May we ensure our children are strong enough to face hardship and skilled enough to overcome it. Instead of shielding them, may we work with them to create a vision for the future in which they actively participate and toward which they significantly contribute. In our intense gratitude for all those blessings our children enjoy, let us not substitute weakness for strength or passive reception of blessing for active involvement in creating blessing. Oceanus worked alongside his parents to lay the foundation of our nation. Perhaps, this Thanksgiving provides us the opportunity to explore with our children how we will work together to meet the challenges of today and build a heritage for which future generations will pause to give thanks.

On the day Joe was born, Uncle Louie was the first visitor, the first non-parent to hold him, the first to feel tiny fingers fold around his thumb. At that moment, a primal love captured Louie’s heart. With no children of his own, Uncle Louie showered all his fatherness on Joe.

On the day Joe graduated from college, Uncle Louie gave an amazing gift. He created a trust that gave Joe $86,400 dollars every day. Joe had complete discretion in how to use the money with one catch. Joe had to spend the entire amount every day or the trust would cease.

Dumfounded Joe tried to envision how to use this incredible resource. How could he steward something so generous? How could he convert the trust and honor from his Uncle into a legacy of his own? At first, Joe took care of the basics. He paid off his loans, purchased a home, took care of his parents, and invested in graduate education.

In graduate school, he found his dream. He would start his own pharmaceutical research facility to explore medications for obscure diseases overlooked by larger companies. This was a dream worth pursuing, worth investing Uncle Louie’s gift. Though it would take years--even with the generous daily amounts--intentional planning and conscious focus would build his dream.

Yet, Joe was also tempted by the luxuries he could now afford. Expensive meals, trips to foreign countries, and elaborate gatherings for friends became a mainstay. Though Joe knew he strayed from his master plan every time he focused on one of these, he had little concern. There was always tomorrow’s money. He would get back on track tomorrow. . . .

Twenty years later, Joe ran into Jeff, a physician who had helped develop the dream for the research facility and whose expertise Joe had counted on to spur new research. Embarrassed Joe realized he had not even spoken to Jeff in years. First the six-month safari in Africa, then the months of travel through the Amazon, then a tour of Europe kept Joe out of contact. “Jeff! How are you? What are you up to?”

“I’m great, Joe. How are you? I’m sorry I can’t stop. I’m running late for a board of directors meeting. We’re about to announce a new drug eight years in development. We have a lot to pull together before the press conference this afternoon.”

“Really?! Wow, that’s great. Which company are you with?”

Jeff blushed. “Actually, mine. Your passion for this research was contagious. When you left the country, I decided to give it a shot. Thanks for the inspiration. Gotta run. Call me.”

As Jeff hustled down the street, Joe stood dumbfounded. He had every chance to make his dream come true. The resources were available every day. Yet, their very availability had blinded him to the passing of time. Now his graduate education far behind, support team scattered, and his youth spent—had he blown it?

We may all wish we had Joe’s “problem” of how to spend $86,400 each day. Yet, in reality we face the same dilemma.

Each of us is given 86,400 seconds per day. We spend every one of them. Do we spend them on our dreams? Or, blinded by the availability of tomorrow’s time, do we squander today’s?

We have dreams for our families—the lessons we long to teach, the memories to make, the legacy to leave. Our children reside with us briefly. For our dreams to become reality, we must wisely invest every day. This morning your family was given 86,400 seconds—how will you spend your day?

What dreams do you have for your son? Do you desire him to lead a corporation, a family business, his country? Do you long for him to have an impactful career as a doctor, police officer, or teacher? Whatever the dream, chance are you see him successfully leading others—be it his family, business, or community. How do we build good leaders?

God offers a surpising answer. God made Joseph leader of Egypt by way of a prison term. Moses became leader of Israel after an exile to shepherding. David likewise rose from lowly shepherd and foot soldier to king. Daniel became advisor to an empire from the position of a slave. God creates leaders from servants. Wise parents follow His lead.

These leaders were born with incredible intelligence and talents. Yet, God knew innate gifts are not enough to create a leader. As Joseph served first in a noble’s house then among fellow prisoners, he learned how to discern the needs of others and meet these. He developed skills in organizing fellow prisoners to work and live together peaceably. David’s time as a shepherd taught him to unify individuals prone to go their own way while protecting his flock from outward threats. Daniel’s heart to use his position to care for people under him developed from his position as slave in Nebuchadnezzar’s kingdom. A great leader knows his position is a trust given to use for the good of those he leads. This is the heart of a servant.

If we want our sons to be great leaders, we must first teach them to serve.

Fortunately, we don’t have to ship our sons to prison or slavery to develop this heart. Opportunities abound in everyday life to teach this skill—yet, many parents miss these. To train our sons well, we must forego the cultural habit of indulging children and take on new habits.

Normalize serving at home. From the time he can walk, have your son help you around the house. Yes, he will create more mess than productive work. Yes, your job will take longer. Yet, during these early years his view of the world is forming. If he spends his formative years playing while you work, his most fundamental understanding of the world becomes, "others exist to work on my behalf; I exist to play." Play becomes the expectation; any request for help a resentment. Instead, create in his earliest days the expectation, "if there are things to be done, I should be helping." He can fold towels while you hang shirts, pick up sticks before you mow, tip a cup of water into the dog’s bowl, put out napkins before meals. Not only are you developing in him the expectation that he should help, you are training him to become an invaluable aid in the coming years.

As he gets older, couch discussions of sibling and friend conflicts in terms of “how could you serve the others involved? Instead of seeking to prove you are right, how could you act in this situation to meet another’s need?” Give some jobs for which he is responsible—not to get an allowance—but simply because he is part of a family and everyone must help take care of each other.

Normalize serving in public. Modeling is the best teacher. Become the family that stays after the church pitch-in to put away tables, picks up trash along your road, takes cookies to a sick neighbor or shut-in. Help college students move into the local dorms, serve food at the local food pantry, and offer to carry sacks for the mom with three youngsters in tow. As you develop an ear and eye for opportunities to help those around you and include your son, he will develop these senses.

The easy path lies in sending our son to his room with a video game to stay out of our way or indulging his whims to keep him happy. To build the character of a leader, God’s wisdom says our sons must know how to serve. That will take our investment of time and teaching and opportunities to serve. As we do this, we offer the foundation for all the dreams we have for our sons.

Three scenes: Toddler throws the mother of all temper tantrums in the grocery as helpless mom looks on; middle school student visits detention for the third week running; young man ignores policeman’s order to stop and is killed—what do they have in common? At their core, each boy failed to develop a strong sense of self-control.

In this continuing series on essential character qualities for sons, the second focus is developing self-control. Self control enables sons to refrain from doing what they want in order to appropriately respond to others. Many parents mistakenly believe self-control comes naturally as children age. Unfortunately, there is nothing natural about self-control. Giving into one’s desires and feelings comes naturally. Denying our desires to answer to something else—that skill must be taught and nurtured.

Parents’ failure to impart this skill has left many boys incapable of succeeding in any situation. If a person can’t control themselves, they can’t build friendships. They can’t participate in group activities. They can’t apply themselves to challenges whether physical, social, or academic. Ultimately, they can’t succeed in an adult world where they will constantly answer to a variety of authorities from boss to neighborhood association to the law and ultimately to God. Given that self-control is essential to engaging life at any meaningful level—how do we ensure our sons have this skill?

• Teach when the time is right. Focus on developing this skill during the toddler and preschool years. God graciously provided a system whereby our child's social, emotional, and intellectual development mirrors his physical development. These years are all about control. Our children long to control everything around them—manipulating toys, dressing themselves, feeding themselves, and using the potty. These blossoming skills in physical control provide a perfect springboard for teaching self-control. Too many parents, faced with the iron will of a toddler, assume the job will get easier if they give in now and wait for son to get a little older. In so doing, they miss the golden opportunity to capitalize on son’s desire to be in control. If parents instead channel son's desire for control into controlling himself, they make the most of this developmental stage.

If your son has already passed the toddler/ preschool stage without self-control in place, you still need to establish this pattern—just know it will be more difficult. You will fight established habits of self-will, you will have to alter your own willingness to give in, and you will have to do all this in the few hours you have after school. You can do it. Deciding to go forward is the most important step. Follow the steps below—just expect a little more push-back as your son fights to keep getting his way.

• Be consistent. Even though our children are primed to learn self-control during the toddler/preschool years, the challenge still looms large. During infancy, we gave our child whatever he desired—food when hungry, a dry diaper when wet, and a bed when tired. A huge transition takes place in toddlerhood. For the first time our sons have desires we won’t allow. He desires to hit the dog, bite his sister, throw his peas, push television buttons, stick his fingers in electric sockets—you get the idea. To all this, we say, “No.” Given that this restraint is new, no wonder the transition is so hard.

Consistency helps. Set clear boundaries with age appropriate rules. Then, normalize obedience. This means we never let sons get away with disobeying a direct order or standing rule. When you call your son—he must come. If he doesn’t, go get his hand and bring him to where you were standing when you called. If you tell your son to pick up toys, he should begin within the minute. If he doesn’t, take his hand and pick up the toys with him. As you consistently require him to obey you, he learns to bring his actions into compliance with your instruction. Before long—he learns to respond to your instruction with immediate obedience. You have normalized obedience and taught self-control.

• Affirm, affirm, affirm. As we go through this process we must never lose sight that our sons are denying themselves in order to do what we ask largely because they adore us. They want to please us and will take on the huge challenge of obeying in order to do so. We must affirm them in this. Affirm through encouraging words, bear-hugs, ruffled hair, and sudden surprises. Look him in the eye and tell him how proud you are of what he is doing. Offer concrete benefits to his willingness to listen to you, and you’ll find him increasingly willing to do so.

If a man can’t control himself, he will be controlled by others. Though it’s hard to teach this skill, as you do you build in your son the strength of a man.

One sunny, spring afternoon my little son bounded up asking to go for a walk. As we strolled down our lane, we enjoyed chatting, laughing, and seeing sights together. After one long silence, son slipped his hand into mine and sighed, “Mommy, I love being with you.” As I clutched him to me, I felt my chest straining. It doesn't have the room to hold the love I have for my son.

When I look into my son’s eyes, I want so badly to be everything he needs in a mom. I yearn to get this mom-thing right. Yet, conflicting messages pull at me: ensure he does well in school, teach him to ride a bike, build his social skills, enroll him in sports . . . . I cannot accomplish the endless list—especially when the list constantly changes with the latest trend. Where do families focus?

Wise moms offer a focus that I find invaluable—character. Though the world focuses on the temporary, character is eternal. When we guide our son’s character, we train him to know where to spend his time and how to make his daily choices with wisdom and ability. Character has many facets, yet four fundamentals lead to strong male character: initiative, purity, responsibility and servant hood. Lesson 1: teach your son to be an initiator.

Men are designed to be initiators. In the Garden of Eden, God instructed Adam to take charge of the rest of the world and fashion it to the standard of Eden. He made Adam His Viceroy—standing in God’s stead and conferring God’s authority onto the Earth. To accomplish his task, Adam had to initiate—a lot.

Today, men are still called to be God's Viceroys. They are to creatively initiate in their jobs to expand God’s authority over the workplace. They are to initiate in the home—guiding the family spiritually, emotionally, and pragmatically. They are to provide the leadership and guidance to their communities. This understanding of the initiator role has been lost.

In the focus to acknowledge the importance of women and how their contributions had been wrongly diminished—women have been encouraged and equipped to take charge. Education policy shifted to become more female friendly, scholarships diverted to consider only females, community resources funded female pursuits pulling resources from support of boys. Men have been discouraged from leadership—ordered to step back and give women a chance. While this proved valuable to women, men have been devastated.

Add to this that boys grow up in a culture where grown men are consistently depicted as idiots (on television, in movies) saved only by the leadership of women. The result? Men have become passive, disconnected, and commitment averse. Refusing any leadership roles, they now barely function. One statistic offers perspective. Less than half of male students graduate high school and only 35% of college students are male—poor training for leadership. It’s up to families to give our sons better. We need to teach them to be the initiators they were created to be. How?

• Support his ideas. Little boys have big ideas and grand desires. Nothing kills an initiating spirit like constant rejection. Whenever possible, encourage son’s ideas. Let him build a fort in the yard, attempt to hike the hill, strategize giant army attacks between toy soldiers, read thick books years ahead of grade level, attempt to fix the broken clock. We want to protect our sons and our schedules—which can lead to a habit of saying “no” to son’s ideas. Though the challenges are real, if we develop a habit of saying "go for it!" our sons will develop the habit of initiating with enthusiasm.

• Resource his ideas. Another initiator-killer is ongoing defeat. Part of our role may include helping son shape his idea into something within the realm of possible. To prevent our sons from being overwhelmed and giving up--break down his goal into those steps it would take to accomplish his dream. Supply him with the necessary tools. Then, let him go.

As he hits snags, encourage him to keep working the process until he finds an answer that works. If he’s stuck, offer suggestions but don’t take over the process—let him remain in charge and develop the problem-solving skills initiators must have to realize their dreams.

• Normalize failure. I love the line from Meet the Robinsons, “Here’s to Lewis and his brilliant failure. May it lead to success in the future.” Teach your son that failure is not a bad thing—it’s simply a lesson in what to do differently next time. Only men ready to risk and cope with failure can truly lead. Ask questions such as, “What did you learn? What could you do differently? What went right?” This trains our sons to “keep moving forward” rather than become mired in a habit of defeat.

Character lesson number 1—be an initiator. When we encourage our sons to become initiators, we train them in a character ready to take on the world.

Last summer we nearly blew it. In Indiana we are fairly new to daylight savings time. Thus, we aren’t used to it being daylight till 10:00 at night. A chance remark let us know that we were missing a huge summer memory with our youngest daughter. We were reading a book that mentioned fireflies. “What’s a firefly?” asked our daughter.

“Honey, you know—the bugs that light up at night.” Blank stare. As I thought, I realized that, though we were playing outside till after 9:00 each night, she had never seen a firefly. We made a date to stay up late and catch fireflies. We finished with ice cream sundaes on the porch—a wonderful summer memory. One we nearly missed.

Summer goes quickly. By mid-June firefly season is nearly over. Unless parents strategically plan—we can miss some of the best summer moments with our children. While there’s still time—make a list of all the special summer memories you want to create with your children. Then, pull out your calendar and schedule at least one per week for the rest of summer. With camps, coaches, church groups, and extended family all scheduling summer events, it’s easy for our family plans to get lost in the shuffle. We find ourselves shopping for back-to-school specials and realizing that summer slipped by without our doing any of the activities that make summer special for our family. A few too many of those, and the children get past a stage without our sharing the memories together.

The key—be as proactive about scheduling as everyone else. Get activities—even the little but special—on the calendar and guard the time. When we do this, we get to the end of summer and have a bounty of shared experiences that build family.

If you need help getting started, a few suggestions:
• Chase fireflies (of course!)
• Have a bonfire and eat s’mores
• Go fishing—be sure to get necessary permits (children typically don’t need,but adults do)
• Take a long bike ride
• Lay in the grass and watch clouds
• Pick fresh berries
• Rent paddleboats
• Read a spooky story by campfire/candlelight
• Run in the sprinkler
• Visit the zoo
• Feed ducks
• Play badminton
• Have an all-night movie night—each family member picks their favorite movie and snack, pile the pillows and blankets, and enjoy
• Visit an ethnic festival
• Go to a drive-in
• Have a marathon euchre game
• Throw rocks in a pond, lake, creek, river. . .

You get the idea. With a little intentional planning, this summer can be a series of mini-adventures where you build your family through the memories you create.

"Mommy, what are we having for dinner?”
“Can I go play?”
“Why do caterpillars only like milkweed?”
“Why can’t I go play?”
“What are we doing tomorrow?”
“Why is Aunt Gertrude so loud?”
How many questions do you face each day? In a house full of curious, imaginative, intelligent children—I figure 957 easy. If you asked me if I thought questions were good, I’d answer, “Of course! Questions help children learn.” If you asked my children if I thought questions were good, I’m not so sure they’d have the same answer. I say I want our children to ask questions, yet I don’t always respond patiently to the endless torrent. Why are questions so good in theory but so hard in reality?

Selfishness. The hard, cold truth is that my most impatient responses stem from pure selfishness. Like most parents, I’m pushed on all sides. I rarely feel that my day is my own. Instead, I have an endless list of chores to do, deadlines to meet, and needs to address. When a question has a ready response that doesn’t require too much thought, I’m typically OK. I can answer on the fly and keep moving through my day. But for those questions where I don’t know the answer and it will take some investment on my part to puzzle through or go find the answer, I sometimes shut my child down. Rather than focus my limited time and energy on figuring out a good answer to my child’s questions, I’d rather use those resources to make a dent in my list. Not a great strategy.

When I see my child’s question as an opportunity to set aside my agenda and focus on what’s important to her, I grow in my ability to be selfless. I develop a better sense of how to take the focus off me and what I’ve deemed necessary and instead focus on what is important to those around me. Sure most of my list was already focused on those around me, but I created the list and its order. When I choose to expend energy responding to my child, I say in a very real way that their list matters, too. That both affirms my child and diminishes the selfishness in me.

Pride. Again, if I can readily respond, I typically don’t mind questions. When the answer isn’t automatic, I tend to shut down the questions. As I analyze why, I have to acknowledge that I don’t like admitting to not having an answer. This denies my children one of the most important lessons of all—humility.
To freely acknowledge that I don’t have all the answers comforts my children. They are still at the age when they think I’m pretty cool. It reassures them to know cool people don’t have to know everything. They can feel fairly competent now with only some answers. Moreover, when I admit I don’t know a particular answer and go look for it; I teach them how to go get the answers they need. We become a team working together which creates a special bond. A bond I would miss if my pride kept shutting their questions down.

Agenda. As a homeschooling mom, I have seemingly endless time to spend with my children. One would think this is a perfect environment for questions. And it should be. Yet, most homeschooling moms are terribly frightened of missing some key teaching our children must have to survive in the world. So, we treat our curriculum as gospel and live in terror of failing to complete a day’s list of subjects. Questions distract horribly from that list. They interrupt. They lead down bunny trails. They hijack conversations. It’s just much more efficient when children sit quietly and simply listen as I get us through the lessons of the day. Efficient but ineffective.

I have to remember that our family’s job is to develop each child into the unique person God made them to be. Questions aren't an interference—they are a prime tool in that role. When I can back away from my agenda and refocus on the purpose of my agenda, to train up my children in the unique path God created for them, I can take a breath and follow the bunny trails of questions down the path they need to go. When I do that, I begin to see how God pulls me from my agenda and gets us all onto His agenda.

Questions force me to focus on what is important to my children rather than me. Questions force me to be humble in front of my children thereby teaching them how to be humble. Questions force me to listen for God’s agenda rather than clinging to my own. Instead of overwhelming distractions, my children’s questions have become—not only a great way for them to learn—but a 957 opportunities a day for me to become a more selfless, humble, listening mom.

Utterly undone, I sat in my hospital bed cradling my screaming newborn. Nothing worked. He wasn’t hungry; he was dry; I was holding him. What more could I do?! Remembering babies like to be swaddled, I clumsily tried to wrap him. The nurse entered to find baby howling and me miserably fumbling the blanket, near tears myself. She took one look and snatched Benjamin out of my hands. She calmly laid him on the bed, snugly arranged his baby blanket into a perfect burrito, and patted his bottom three times. He immediately fell asleep. Without a word she handed him to me and left. Completely defeated, I wondered if the hospital would let me take my son home when I couldn’t even wrap a baby blanket. Maybe he should go home with the nurse?

Most parents feel it—an overwhelming sense of ineptitude when it comes to raising our children. We want so badly to do the right thing and feel so completely at a loss as to what that is or how to accomplish it. Parenting books offer insights that sound great on paper and fall flat when we try to use them. Given our daily failures, wouldn’t our children be better off with some professional parent? The answer—a resounding no.

When God knit you together in your mother’s womb, He was shaping you to parent this child. Your personality, your strengths and weaknesses, your experiences were all ordained as preparation parenting for this child. Likewise, as God knit your child together, He shaped her to be parented by you. Experts may offer insights, options, or support—but they can never take your place. As bumbling as our efforts can be, we are the only experts for our child.

Those daily interactions—the ones that feel like daily failures—are so much more. Through them, we learn our child’s temperament and priorities, his fears and joys. No expert spends the kind of time we spend with our child; no expert has a prayer of gaining our insight. We know the heart of our child. Knowing his heart enables us to inspire, encourage, and train so he becomes the person he was made to be.

As we explore our child’s heart, we also discover our own. When our toddler waves a rebellious finger in our face, we gain insight into God’s reaction to our own rebellion. When our young child listens to his peers rather than us, we perceive God’s frustration at our own choosing of job, prevailing experts, or friends’ advice over Him. When a teen gives in to pleasurable sin rather than choosing to do right, we suffer our heavenly Father’s anguish over our rejection of His standards in favor of our own desires. As we take these to God, repent, and allow Him to guide us into a reconciling relationship; He teaches us how to guide our child into a reconciling relationship. Learning from our heavenly parent, we become the parent our child needs us to be.

Once I got Ben home I was terrified. I began praying as I had never prayed before. “Lord, please help me to parent as You do. Please help me be the mom Ben needs.” As his seven siblings followed, that prayer became ever more fervent. I encountered differing personalities which needed differing approaches. I encountered competing agendas. I encountered even more of my own faults as I saw them played out in the behavior of my children.

Yet through it all, God worked to make me an expert on my children. He brought me friends with great insight. He led me to books by astute experts. Mostly, He revealed, in the tiny bites I could swallow, the truths of His scripture to guide my heart, my mind, and my words with my children. From scripture I learned that in every situation, I needed to be gentle, kind, and self-controlled. I learned to value differences while holding each unique child to the same standard. I learned that I was teaching my children how to love others by the way I loved them. I learned to get regularly on my knees and beg for God’s provision and insight for each day. Slowly, as I became the child of God I needed to be, I became the mom my children needed.

Though over the course of eight babies I never learned to create a burrito-perfect swaddle, I learned that my children didn’t need to go home with that nurse. They were designed to go home with me. She could fold a blanket but she didn’t know that Ben needed to be warned a week in advance that we might not have hot dogs on Wednesday night or that we would need to push him into activities before he would be comfortable or that he loved quiet bike rides to talk. God and time with Ben taught me that. As you seek God in the daily-ness of life, He will guide you into being the parent your child needs.

Ruth Bell Graham, wife of Rev. Billy Graham, recalled her daughter, Anne's, tearful comment as Mrs. Graham tucked her into bed, "Mother, you make it so hard to be good!" Mrs. Graham noted, "A good mother is one who makes is easy for a child to be good." We are cautioned against exasperating our children--making it hard for them to be good. How do we make it easy?

Set clear rules. Children need clarity--both on what we expect and on timing. “Each evening before dinner put all your toys in their tub” is much more helpful than “pick up your toys.” Clear expectations make it easier to obey.

Teach how to obey. Once children understand the rule, they need to know how to meet that expectation. Teaching gives visibility to expectation. The three-step process of: 1) parent performs task while child watches, 2) parent and child perform task together, and then 3) child performs task while parent watches works well. If I want my child to make her bed before coming to breakfast, I tell her this new rule. Then I spend a couple of days making the bed while she watches so she knows what a “made” bed looks like. Next, we spend a couple of days making the bed together. Finally, child spends a couple of days making the bed while I watch and point out changes needed. Once she knows how to comply with my expectation, the rule goes into effect.

Be consistent with children. Flexibility is great. Flexibility allows parents to respond to differing personalities and situations with grace. Yet, when flexibility trumps consistency—we make it hard for our children to obey. Children find it easier to obey when the rule stays the rule—no matter the situation. If I expect children to clean up toys before dinner—except on the weekend, except when rushing to soccer practice, except when friends are over—children are left guessing whether the rule is in place or the exception. Given they’d probably rather not clean up their toys, they’ll opt to see exceptions rather than obey. If they know the rule is the rule, it’s easy to obey.

Be consistent with self. If we want our children to comply the first time we ask them to do something, we need to follow our own directions. I struggle most with this when visiting friends. I tell my children it is time to leave and to get their shoes and coats. They run to do so, but I keep talking. Twenty minutes later, when they’ve given up on me and returned to playing with friends, I’m finally really ready to leave. I have to acknowledge my inconsistency just made it very difficult for them to obey. I need to be as consistent as I want my children to be.

This same consistency needs to accompany consequences for not obeying. If I impose a consequence for disobedience routinely, children soon learn to do what I ask right away. If I impose a consequence only when I’m angry or fed up, but make excuses for children when they are tired or busy (or when I’m tired or busy), I confuse my children. Confused children find it hard to obey. Gracious firmness makes it easy for children to understand they must follow through every time.

Affirm, affirm, affirm. Our children long to please us. In asking our children to obey, we are asking them to go against their very natures to comply with our requests. They do so out of adoration for us. If we ignore these gigantic sacrifices, they’ll soon disappear. While parents shouldn’t praise substandard efforts or behavior that should have become second nature, we need to specifically and consistently affirm our children’s efforts to respond to our direction. We need to flood them with the same blessing God promises us for our obedience to His direction. Use the celebrate plate to affirm a new and difficult job well done, write notes of praise, go out for ice cream together, give warm hugs and open praise. As we affirm the effort our children expend to follow our direction, we make it easy to obey.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

One of the best holidays of the year, Valentine’s Day offers the chance to celebrate love in all its forms. From fun to goofy to deeply romantic, each expression of love reveals, not only the love, but the heart of the lover. As families break from the gloom of winter to celebrate Valentine’s Day, let us count the ways we can show love to each other.

Words. Powerful and lasting, words are a family’s most potent love potion. Words generate connection. Words offer encouragement. Words nurture life. Your Valentines card will have funny, creative, or passionate words of love for your family. How about mixing a few of those into daily conversation?

Just as important are the tone and the expression accompanying those words. Sarcasm, long-suffering, and exasperation are love killers. Though she may have every right to be impatient, a flustered mom who takes a deep breath and instead offers encouragement creates love. A frustrated husband who gently pulls his wife into an embrace and whispers words of peace creates love. A sibling who meekly apologizes for trashing a Lego masterpiece creates love. Count words as a major way to love.

Acceptance. People crave security and significance. Acceptance—a recognition and genuine appreciation for the unique individuality of each person in our family—builds both, along with love. Acceptance creates the security of, "I am loved for who I am." A daughter’s love of domestic pursuits may drive her hard-charging mom up the wall while a son’s inclination for piano may interfere with dad’s football fantasies. Yet, the purposeful disregarding of expectations in favor of genuine acceptance affirms that each person is significant precisely because of who they are. Whether dad loudly cheers at son’s recital or mom purchases a needed skein of yarn, acceptance speaks love.

Time. Love is spelled T-I-M-E. Where we spend our time indicates our highest priorities. While counting the ways you love each other, count the times you set aside to be together. Regular dates with your children to catch up individually, family outings to build camaraderie, and family dinners to unify all add up to times that create a home of love. Don’t forget your spouse. Married people still need to date. Take time for romantic interludes to rekindle and reconnect. As the foundation of the home, a loving marriage creates a loving home. Make time.

Touch. Every human being needs four hugs per day merely to survive, eight hugs per day to maintain a strong emotional level, and twelve hugs per day to grow. As you count the ways to say “I love you,” count the hugs. It’s easy to hug our babies and toddlers. Those teens get a little more difficult—yet, they still need hugs. Become a house that hugs, that hi-fives, that back-pats, that tousles hair, and that squeezes. As you tender physical touch, you create tenderness that translates into love.

These are just a few ways to count the ways we love our family. As the month progresses, why not create and count a few new ways of your very own?