“How do I get my children to do their chores?” One of the most common questions I receive. Honest answer—I struggle mightily with this issue in our home. We’ve done chore charts. We’ve purchased packaged systems training children to do chores. We’ve instituted schedules. After an enthusiastic start and much hoopla, three weeks in—I tour the house to find unmade beds, dishes stacked in the sink, and dust bunnies grabbing my toes from under furniture.
I can’t really blame the children. I’m not great at putting stickers on charts, following every instruction of a complicated system, or reminding of the schedule. I don’t want to have to remind—that’s why I have a schedule. Yet, I also have to acknowledge that if the Marine Corp—those top military men and women charged with defending the order of the world—need regular inspections to keep their barracks clean, my children probably need more from me than a chart or a schedule.
What works? For us—chore hour. We set one hour a day as chore hour. From 4:00 – 5:00 everyone gathers for their assignment and works until the list is done.
Benefits:
• Group effort reduces complaining. Because the time is set and everyone’s involved, children complain a lot less. They expect to do chores at 4:00. It becomes part of the flow of the day rather than an interruption of their activities.
• Natural camaraderie. Children generally don’t like working alone. They don’t want to go off by themselves to clean the toy room or make their bed. When everyone is doing chores, we team up to tackle the toy covered floor or washing the dishes. Working together makes the job go faster as we connect with each other while working. Also, I can teach how to do the job as we go. Children don’t feel overwhelmed by a task they don’t know how to begin—they become empowered as they work alongside and learn from me.
If we must divide and conquer, we create teams. The first team to finish their task gets to pick dessert. This not only offers incentive for older children to help younger siblings learn chores, it builds team spirit in the family as we learn to work well together.
Important note—Mom and Dad need to be part of the mix. Just having a chore time for the kids may work to get chores done, but resentment often remains. The camaraderie comes as mom and dad work alongside the kids. If parents actively engage—resentment goes out the window and cooperation and team spirit take over.
• Less stress/interruptions throughout the day. If I walk through the house at lunch and see mess after mess, I don’t spend the day griping at my children to “please come get this cleaned up.” I can simply wait for the chore hour, then point out what must be accomplished. I can relax knowing it will be done. The children can focus on their priorities throughout the day without being interrupted every time I find a job.
• The chores get done. With a little planning (Monday-focus on floors and laundry, Tuesday—focus on bathrooms, etc.), I can make great use of our chore hour to keep the house running smoothly. With everyone pitching in together, the work takes less time. More importantly, everyone has a stake in keeping the house looking good the rest of the time—meaning fewer overall chores for everyone.
Too often chores, or the failure to do chores, pit parents against children in an ongoing battle. We become “enemies” as we fight over why chores aren’t done. A team approach means we work together to conquer the task instead of working to conquer each other. Not only are beds made, dishes washed, and dust bunnies tamed—we avoid battles; we build bonds and enjoy peace.
During the first twelve to eighteen months of our baby’s lives, we establish bonds and build a foundation of trust with our infant. We provide moment-by-moment nurture that speaks security and connection. Then, come the toddler years.
During the toddler years—eighteen months to thirty-six months—the goal expands. While we still continue to affirm our toddler’s trust in us, we shift the focus to teaching toddlers to obey our authority and begin to develop self-control. In working toward this goal, we face one of the strongest forces in nature—the will of a toddler. How do we make it work?
We never allow our child to disobey a direct order or, as they get older, a standing rule.
OK—you can stop laughing. Yes, this is a tall order. Yet, this is the call. Toddlers are all about control. Our toddlers learn to control their hands to play with toys, dress, and feed themselves. They learn to control their voices to verbalize sentences and make requests known. They learn to control their bodies to run, skip, and use the bathroom.
Take advantage of this desire for control to teach your child to control his behavior in response to your instruction. Never again will you have so much time with your child. Never again so little influence from outside sources. Never again a developmental stage so oriented to obedience as now. Though never easy, it will never be easier to teach your child to obey than now.
You do this by making a habit of obedience to your direct instruction. If you say, “Jason, come to Mommy for a diaper change,” Jason needs to come. If he fails to come, you can make a game of it, you can repeat your instruction, or you can go get his hand and bring him to where you were.
What you must NEVER do is go to him and change the diaper where he was. That normalizes disobedience. Normalize obedience by requiring him to follow your instruction—every time.
A lazy parent routinely allows disobedience and then wonders why life with toddler is so hard. Recently, I watched a mother in the waiting room tell her toddler not to eat the cracker he just dropped on the floor. When he popped it into his mouth, she simply laughed and said it was probably OK. When she told him to put his book away and he threw it, she put it into the basket. When she told him to sit down, he ran around the room. At no time did she actually have him do what she asked. There was little surprise when he ran into the parking lot after she instructed him to stay by her side. It was more surprising when she exclaimed, “I work with him all the time—why does he disobey?”
If we don’t normalize obedience—we normalize disobedience. In disobedience we not only breed tumult in our homes (constantly butting heads with our toddler), we endanger our toddler who doesn’t know how to listen when the stakes are high.
Tips:
• Keep instructions few. Don’t give a direct instruction you don’t intend to enforce. If you are simply going to let the child eat the cracker off the floor, don’t tell him not to eat it. Choose your battles, but go the full mile on the instructions you choose to give.
• Use code words. We negotiate with our children. We may tell our daughter to wear an outfit and, upon her cry that it is too scratchy, allow her to make a different choice. While important to do, this can make life confusing for children who may not know when they must obey and when something is open to negotiation. If you have code words, you help both parties. Something along the lines of “I need you to obey, take that cracker out of your mouth” cues everyone that this is an obedience situation and child needs to obey or face a consequence.
• Impose consistent consequences. Give simple commands, then require your child to do what you say. If you say to come, child must come. If he doesn’t, take his hand and bring him to you. If you say to put the book in the tub and she doesn’t, put your hand over hers to pick up the book and take it to the tub. If you say don't eat the cracker and the cracker goes into the mouth, take it out of his mouth.
• Affirm, affirm, affirm. Your toddler demonstrates the huge importance she places in pleasing you when she sets aside her will to follow yours. Recognize this effort with generous praise, hugs, high fives, and occasional special treats.
Obedience—the goal of toddlerhood. Toddlerhood lasts so long because this is a tough skill and will take time. Yet, as you focus on teaching your child to obey, you give the skill of self-control that will enable him to take on and succeed in life’s challenges. Further, you create a habit of listening to your instruction that will enable you to guide your child through the complex issues you will face in coming stages. Finally, relating to a child who listens is a delight. You bring peace to your home as your child learns to respond to others and create healthy relationships.
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This month’s topic: How do you teach your toddler to obey?
