On the day Joe was born, Uncle Louie was the first visitor, the first non-parent to hold him, the first to feel tiny fingers fold around his thumb. At that moment, a primal love captured Louie’s heart. With no children of his own, Uncle Louie showered all his fatherness on Joe.
On the day Joe graduated from college, Uncle Louie gave an amazing gift. He created a trust that gave Joe $86,400 dollars every day. Joe had complete discretion in how to use the money with one catch. Joe had to spend the entire amount every day or the trust would cease.
Dumfounded Joe tried to envision how to use this incredible resource. How could he steward something so generous? How could he convert the trust and honor from his Uncle into a legacy of his own? At first, Joe took care of the basics. He paid off his loans, purchased a home, took care of his parents, and invested in graduate education.
In graduate school, he found his dream. He would start his own pharmaceutical research facility to explore medications for obscure diseases overlooked by larger companies. This was a dream worth pursuing, worth investing Uncle Louie’s gift. Though it would take years--even with the generous daily amounts--intentional planning and conscious focus would build his dream.
Yet, Joe was also tempted by the luxuries he could now afford. Expensive meals, trips to foreign countries, and elaborate gatherings for friends became a mainstay. Though Joe knew he strayed from his master plan every time he focused on one of these, he had little concern. There was always tomorrow’s money. He would get back on track tomorrow. . . .
Twenty years later, Joe ran into Jeff, a physician who had helped develop the dream for the research facility and whose expertise Joe had counted on to spur new research. Embarrassed Joe realized he had not even spoken to Jeff in years. First the six-month safari in Africa, then the months of travel through the Amazon, then a tour of Europe kept Joe out of contact. “Jeff! How are you? What are you up to?”
“I’m great, Joe. How are you? I’m sorry I can’t stop. I’m running late for a board of directors meeting. We’re about to announce a new drug eight years in development. We have a lot to pull together before the press conference this afternoon.”
“Really?! Wow, that’s great. Which company are you with?”
Jeff blushed. “Actually, mine. Your passion for this research was contagious. When you left the country, I decided to give it a shot. Thanks for the inspiration. Gotta run. Call me.”
As Jeff hustled down the street, Joe stood dumbfounded. He had every chance to make his dream come true. The resources were available every day. Yet, their very availability had blinded him to the passing of time. Now his graduate education far behind, support team scattered, and his youth spent—had he blown it?
We may all wish we had Joe’s “problem” of how to spend $86,400 each day. Yet, in reality we face the same dilemma.
Each of us is given 86,400 seconds per day. We spend every one of them. Do we spend them on our dreams? Or, blinded by the availability of tomorrow’s time, do we squander today’s?
We have dreams for our families—the lessons we long to teach, the memories to make, the legacy to leave. Our children reside with us briefly. For our dreams to become reality, we must wisely invest every day. This morning your family was given 86,400 seconds—how will you spend your day?
This month’s topic: How will you spend today's 86,400?
What dreams do you have for your son? Do you desire him to lead a corporation, a family business, his country? Do you long for him to have an impactful career as a doctor, police officer, or teacher? Whatever the dream, chance are you see him successfully leading others—be it his family, business, or community. How do we build good leaders?
God offers a surpising answer. God made Joseph leader of Egypt by way of a prison term. Moses became leader of Israel after an exile to shepherding. David likewise rose from lowly shepherd and foot soldier to king. Daniel became advisor to an empire from the position of a slave. God creates leaders from servants. Wise parents follow His lead.
These leaders were born with incredible intelligence and talents. Yet, God knew innate gifts are not enough to create a leader. As Joseph served first in a noble’s house then among fellow prisoners, he learned how to discern the needs of others and meet these. He developed skills in organizing fellow prisoners to work and live together peaceably. David’s time as a shepherd taught him to unify individuals prone to go their own way while protecting his flock from outward threats. Daniel’s heart to use his position to care for people under him developed from his position as slave in Nebuchadnezzar’s kingdom. A great leader knows his position is a trust given to use for the good of those he leads. This is the heart of a servant.
If we want our sons to be great leaders, we must first teach them to serve.
Fortunately, we don’t have to ship our sons to prison or slavery to develop this heart. Opportunities abound in everyday life to teach this skill—yet, many parents miss these. To train our sons well, we must forego the cultural habit of indulging children and take on new habits.
Normalize serving at home. From the time he can walk, have your son help you around the house. Yes, he will create more mess than productive work. Yes, your job will take longer. Yet, during these early years his view of the world is forming. If he spends his formative years playing while you work, his most fundamental understanding of the world becomes, "others exist to work on my behalf; I exist to play." Play becomes the expectation; any request for help a resentment. Instead, create in his earliest days the expectation, "if there are things to be done, I should be helping." He can fold towels while you hang shirts, pick up sticks before you mow, tip a cup of water into the dog’s bowl, put out napkins before meals. Not only are you developing in him the expectation that he should help, you are training him to become an invaluable aid in the coming years.
As he gets older, couch discussions of sibling and friend conflicts in terms of “how could you serve the others involved? Instead of seeking to prove you are right, how could you act in this situation to meet another’s need?” Give some jobs for which he is responsible—not to get an allowance—but simply because he is part of a family and everyone must help take care of each other.
Normalize serving in public. Modeling is the best teacher. Become the family that stays after the church pitch-in to put away tables, picks up trash along your road, takes cookies to a sick neighbor or shut-in. Help college students move into the local dorms, serve food at the local food pantry, and offer to carry sacks for the mom with three youngsters in tow. As you develop an ear and eye for opportunities to help those around you and include your son, he will develop these senses.
The easy path lies in sending our son to his room with a video game to stay out of our way or indulging his whims to keep him happy. To build the character of a leader, God’s wisdom says our sons must know how to serve. That will take our investment of time and teaching and opportunities to serve. As we do this, we offer the foundation for all the dreams we have for our sons.
Three scenes: Toddler throws the mother of all temper tantrums in the grocery as helpless mom looks on; middle school student visits detention for the third week running; young man ignores policeman’s order to stop and is killed—what do they have in common? At their core, each boy failed to develop a strong sense of self-control.
In this continuing series on essential character qualities for sons, the second focus is developing self-control. Self control enables sons to refrain from doing what they want in order to appropriately respond to others. Many parents mistakenly believe self-control comes naturally as children age. Unfortunately, there is nothing natural about self-control. Giving into one’s desires and feelings comes naturally. Denying our desires to answer to something else—that skill must be taught and nurtured.
Parents’ failure to impart this skill has left many boys incapable of succeeding in any situation. If a person can’t control themselves, they can’t build friendships. They can’t participate in group activities. They can’t apply themselves to challenges whether physical, social, or academic. Ultimately, they can’t succeed in an adult world where they will constantly answer to a variety of authorities from boss to neighborhood association to the law and ultimately to God. Given that self-control is essential to engaging life at any meaningful level—how do we ensure our sons have this skill?
• Teach when the time is right. Focus on developing this skill during the toddler and preschool years. God graciously provided a system whereby our child's social, emotional, and intellectual development mirrors his physical development. These years are all about control. Our children long to control everything around them—manipulating toys, dressing themselves, feeding themselves, and using the potty. These blossoming skills in physical control provide a perfect springboard for teaching self-control. Too many parents, faced with the iron will of a toddler, assume the job will get easier if they give in now and wait for son to get a little older. In so doing, they miss the golden opportunity to capitalize on son’s desire to be in control. If parents instead channel son's desire for control into controlling himself, they make the most of this developmental stage.
If your son has already passed the toddler/ preschool stage without self-control in place, you still need to establish this pattern—just know it will be more difficult. You will fight established habits of self-will, you will have to alter your own willingness to give in, and you will have to do all this in the few hours you have after school. You can do it. Deciding to go forward is the most important step. Follow the steps below—just expect a little more push-back as your son fights to keep getting his way.
• Be consistent. Even though our children are primed to learn self-control during the toddler/preschool years, the challenge still looms large. During infancy, we gave our child whatever he desired—food when hungry, a dry diaper when wet, and a bed when tired. A huge transition takes place in toddlerhood. For the first time our sons have desires we won’t allow. He desires to hit the dog, bite his sister, throw his peas, push television buttons, stick his fingers in electric sockets—you get the idea. To all this, we say, “No.” Given that this restraint is new, no wonder the transition is so hard.
Consistency helps. Set clear boundaries with age appropriate rules. Then, normalize obedience. This means we never let sons get away with disobeying a direct order or standing rule. When you call your son—he must come. If he doesn’t, go get his hand and bring him to where you were standing when you called. If you tell your son to pick up toys, he should begin within the minute. If he doesn’t, take his hand and pick up the toys with him. As you consistently require him to obey you, he learns to bring his actions into compliance with your instruction. Before long—he learns to respond to your instruction with immediate obedience. You have normalized obedience and taught self-control.
• Affirm, affirm, affirm. As we go through this process we must never lose sight that our sons are denying themselves in order to do what we ask largely because they adore us. They want to please us and will take on the huge challenge of obeying in order to do so. We must affirm them in this. Affirm through encouraging words, bear-hugs, ruffled hair, and sudden surprises. Look him in the eye and tell him how proud you are of what he is doing. Offer concrete benefits to his willingness to listen to you, and you’ll find him increasingly willing to do so.
If a man can’t control himself, he will be controlled by others. Though it’s hard to teach this skill, as you do you build in your son the strength of a man.
One sunny, spring afternoon my little son bounded up asking to go for a walk. As we strolled down our lane, we enjoyed chatting, laughing, and seeing sights together. After one long silence, son slipped his hand into mine and sighed, “Mommy, I love being with you.” As I clutched him to me, I felt my chest straining. It doesn't have the room to hold the love I have for my son.
When I look into my son’s eyes, I want so badly to be everything he needs in a mom. I yearn to get this mom-thing right. Yet, conflicting messages pull at me: ensure he does well in school, teach him to ride a bike, build his social skills, enroll him in sports . . . . I cannot accomplish the endless list—especially when the list constantly changes with the latest trend. Where do families focus?
Wise moms offer a focus that I find invaluable—character. Though the world focuses on the temporary, character is eternal. When we guide our son’s character, we train him to know where to spend his time and how to make his daily choices with wisdom and ability. Character has many facets, yet four fundamentals lead to strong male character: initiative, purity, responsibility and servant hood. Lesson 1: teach your son to be an initiator.
Men are designed to be initiators. In the Garden of Eden, God instructed Adam to take charge of the rest of the world and fashion it to the standard of Eden. He made Adam His Viceroy—standing in God’s stead and conferring God’s authority onto the Earth. To accomplish his task, Adam had to initiate—a lot.
Today, men are still called to be God's Viceroys. They are to creatively initiate in their jobs to expand God’s authority over the workplace. They are to initiate in the home—guiding the family spiritually, emotionally, and pragmatically. They are to provide the leadership and guidance to their communities. This understanding of the initiator role has been lost.
In the focus to acknowledge the importance of women and how their contributions had been wrongly diminished—women have been encouraged and equipped to take charge. Education policy shifted to become more female friendly, scholarships diverted to consider only females, community resources funded female pursuits pulling resources from support of boys. Men have been discouraged from leadership—ordered to step back and give women a chance. While this proved valuable to women, men have been devastated.
Add to this that boys grow up in a culture where grown men are consistently depicted as idiots (on television, in movies) saved only by the leadership of women. The result? Men have become passive, disconnected, and commitment averse. Refusing any leadership roles, they now barely function. One statistic offers perspective. Less than half of male students graduate high school and only 35% of college students are male—poor training for leadership. It’s up to families to give our sons better. We need to teach them to be the initiators they were created to be. How?
• Support his ideas. Little boys have big ideas and grand desires. Nothing kills an initiating spirit like constant rejection. Whenever possible, encourage son’s ideas. Let him build a fort in the yard, attempt to hike the hill, strategize giant army attacks between toy soldiers, read thick books years ahead of grade level, attempt to fix the broken clock. We want to protect our sons and our schedules—which can lead to a habit of saying “no” to son’s ideas. Though the challenges are real, if we develop a habit of saying "go for it!" our sons will develop the habit of initiating with enthusiasm.
• Resource his ideas. Another initiator-killer is ongoing defeat. Part of our role may include helping son shape his idea into something within the realm of possible. To prevent our sons from being overwhelmed and giving up--break down his goal into those steps it would take to accomplish his dream. Supply him with the necessary tools. Then, let him go.
As he hits snags, encourage him to keep working the process until he finds an answer that works. If he’s stuck, offer suggestions but don’t take over the process—let him remain in charge and develop the problem-solving skills initiators must have to realize their dreams.
• Normalize failure. I love the line from Meet the Robinsons, “Here’s to Lewis and his brilliant failure. May it lead to success in the future.” Teach your son that failure is not a bad thing—it’s simply a lesson in what to do differently next time. Only men ready to risk and cope with failure can truly lead. Ask questions such as, “What did you learn? What could you do differently? What went right?” This trains our sons to “keep moving forward” rather than become mired in a habit of defeat.
Character lesson number 1—be an initiator. When we encourage our sons to become initiators, we train them in a character ready to take on the world.
Last summer we nearly blew it. In Indiana we are fairly new to daylight savings time. Thus, we aren’t used to it being daylight till 10:00 at night. A chance remark let us know that we were missing a huge summer memory with our youngest daughter. We were reading a book that mentioned fireflies. “What’s a firefly?” asked our daughter.
“Honey, you know—the bugs that light up at night.” Blank stare. As I thought, I realized that, though we were playing outside till after 9:00 each night, she had never seen a firefly. We made a date to stay up late and catch fireflies. We finished with ice cream sundaes on the porch—a wonderful summer memory. One we nearly missed.
Summer goes quickly. By mid-June firefly season is nearly over. Unless parents strategically plan—we can miss some of the best summer moments with our children. While there’s still time—make a list of all the special summer memories you want to create with your children. Then, pull out your calendar and schedule at least one per week for the rest of summer. With camps, coaches, church groups, and extended family all scheduling summer events, it’s easy for our family plans to get lost in the shuffle. We find ourselves shopping for back-to-school specials and realizing that summer slipped by without our doing any of the activities that make summer special for our family. A few too many of those, and the children get past a stage without our sharing the memories together.
The key—be as proactive about scheduling as everyone else. Get activities—even the little but special—on the calendar and guard the time. When we do this, we get to the end of summer and have a bounty of shared experiences that build family.
If you need help getting started, a few suggestions:
• Chase fireflies (of course!)
• Have a bonfire and eat s’mores
• Go fishing—be sure to get necessary permits (children typically don’t need,but adults do)
• Take a long bike ride
• Lay in the grass and watch clouds
• Pick fresh berries
• Rent paddleboats
• Read a spooky story by campfire/candlelight
• Run in the sprinkler
• Visit the zoo
• Feed ducks
• Play badminton
• Have an all-night movie night—each family member picks their favorite movie and snack, pile the pillows and blankets, and enjoy
• Visit an ethnic festival
• Go to a drive-in
• Have a marathon euchre game
• Throw rocks in a pond, lake, creek, river. . .
You get the idea. With a little intentional planning, this summer can be a series of mini-adventures where you build your family through the memories you create.
