Soccer, drama, piano, Algebra club, Boy Scouts, Girls in Action—the activities available to our children astounds. For many families the motto is, “sign up early and often” to expose children to as many opportunities as possible. While each opportunity is good, families can soon find ourselves drowning in our schedule. How do parents take advantage of all the good available to our children while protecting family time and ties? Consider these signs that your family may be in over its head.
Skipping family dinners. By every measure—eating dinner together improves family life. Lower depression rates, lower drug usage, lower risky sexual behavior, better grades, and increased family ties all characterize children who regularly eat dinner with family. Cutting out family dinners to accommodate extracurricular activities may be a sign the activities are out of balance.
Options —set aside two sacrosanct days per week to eat dinner together. When soccer teams or piano teachers ask for those nights, simply reply that those nights are already booked. In our over-scheduled culture, most coaches/teachers will accept this without further inquiry. Even if you get push-back, sticking to these nights teaches our children that family takes priority over extra activities—an important lesson in itself.
—eat when you can. Whether everyone converges on Wendy’s® prior to scattering for the night’s activities or eats together at ten o’clock—set dinner when everyone can be together. Again, the effort to find a time teaches that we will protect family in the midst of activity.
Wearing soccer gear to church. When extra-curricular activities cause us to skip or compromise those priorities we claim are more important, we may be treading deep water. When two events clash, the one we choose signals which matters most. If we’re dashing from church to make a game, we may be signaling that sports counts more than faith. If that’s true—no problem. If we wouldn’t say that’s true, we need to avoid sending the wrong signal by choosing the top priority over the lesser with our time. Healthy families keep top priorities top.
Option—create a family priority list. When deciding whether to add a new activity, pause to ask, “What happens if child succeeds? Will any part of this commitment cause us to compromise on higher priorities?” If so, it may be better to take a pass.
With the range of options available, there will be opportunities which support, rather than compete with, family values. When our family found every night of the week devoted to a different child’s soccer practice and two parents consistently working to be at three different soccer fields in three different towns at the same time, we looked for another option. We found a karate program where all children (and even parents) attended the same night at the same time. We still got our sports fix, and we gained four nights to be together at home.
Replacing family fun with family frustration. Activities are supposed to enrich our lives. When they are at a healthy level, families enjoy going to practices, performances, and the overall experience of being part of the group. If the family emotion has gone from pleasure to panic, the tone from encouraging to bickering, and the pace from calm to frenetic—call the life guard. Impatience and frustration characterize overloaded families. When frustration replaces fun, it’s time to pare down.
Option—each has different limits. Know thyself. Discern the number of hours of outside involvement which allows your family to participate while maintaining an atmosphere of patience, enjoyment, and a sense of control over events, then set this as a hard limit. A good rule of thumb for younger children is two hours per week, for middle and high school students about six hours per week. This allows involvement in activity while preserving time for homework, family, and general downtime.
We want the best for our children, so we take advantage of every opportunity to expose them to the good stuff of life. Yet, we need to remember—the best stuff of life is simply being together as family. Finding the balance between individual activity and healthy home life is a constant challenge. A little attention to common warning signs can help keep family as the central priority while we enjoy the range of opportunities waiting to enrich our children’s lives.
This month’s topic: What activities does your family enjoy? How do you set limits?
Summer is winding down. For many families, school begins in just three weeks. How will you spend those last precious days together?
“What have you enjoyed most over the past year? “ Our family ponders this question every New Year’s Eve. A few years ago Mike and I were quite surprised by our children's answer. Though we typically don’t travel much, we had enjoyed the good fortune of a variety of big trips—Washington, D.C., the Florida coast, and the west.
The unanimous chorus of our children on the favorite event of the year? A tiny camping trip we had taken to a local state park. Though our children enjoyed the bigger trips, they cherished the downtime of being together and simply fishing a quiet lake, meandering through the woods, and telling stories around the campfire.
Whether your children head off to school or you homeschool, there is very little summer left. What great family moments still wait for you? It doesn’t have to be big. As the little boy in the movie, Up, declares, it’s the “boring” stuff that children often most enjoy.
Have you?
- Watched clouds in the sky
- Had a picnic in the park
- Caught lightning bugs
- Run through a sprinkler
- Enjoyed a drive-in movie
- Camped in the backyard
- Raced your child down a slide
- Played an all-night card tournament
- Gone fishing
- Attended an ethnic festival
- Watched a parade
- Enjoyed an free movie/play/concert at the park
- Roasted marshmallows over a fire
- Played flashlight tag
Between camps, sports training, large vacations, and outdoor chores—the fun of summer can get lost. Don’t let this one get away without enjoying some of the “boring stuff” that builds lifelong memories.
This month’s topic: What are your best memories of past summers?
“Mom—can you play, NOW?”
How often I hear those words! They are both a blessing—and a little bit of a curse. Of course I want to play with my children. Some of our best memories are created during the fun moments of the day. At the same time, there’s always work to do. If I take time to play a game on the floor, I see the laundry waiting to be folded. If I go outside to swing, I see the garden needs weeding. Yet, working to make a home for others but never sharing their lives is pretty pointless mothering. So, what’s a mom to do?
· Set a schedule. We’ve all heard, “Pick your battles.” This is great advice for balancing time spent on the housework with time spent engaging with children. At the beginning of the day—block out a time period for work and a time for play. Choose the most important tasks and complete those during work time. A deadline for completing house tasks often leads to more efficiency. At the same time, if you can let kiddos know that you will be available to play at a certain time (and you stick to it), they are more likely to let you work in peace. Focus on work during work time, then head to play time and treat it with the same priority as work (it’s just a lot more fun!). For some moms, just putting play on the list legitimizes the time rather than seeing it as a competition for the “real” work.
· Recruit the children. A wise mom once told me, “If mom is working while others are playing, something is very wrong.” If your children are over the age of three, they are ready to offer real help around the house. Sure, you have to stick with age appropriate expectations, but a four year old can fold socks, put clothes in drawers, and pick up toys. Reduce your workload and spend time with children by getting them to work with you.
Younger children should work in the same room as you so you can oversee their efforts. Older children can be assigned tasks on their own. Again, if you make clear, “We’re going to work until 11:00 on (specify tasks), then enjoy some time together” chances are you’ll get cooperation. Even better—have children contribute to the list of what needs done and plan who will do what part. Their ownership increases productivity. Children learn how to cooperate with each other, develop an understanding for all you do, and appreciate the playtime much more.
· Leave the house. I’ve found that leaving the house substantially increases my enjoyment of time with my children. Whether we head to the pool or park, I can concentrate on them rather than that crumb covered counter or ringing phone. Focus on destinations that are child proof, easy to navigate, and encourage togetherness rather than separation and you’ll have a series of fun outings that build great playtime memories.
“Mom, can you play now?” With a little planning, you can say “Yes! Let’s go!” and engage in some of the most treasured moments of the day.
This month’s topic: How do you create balance between the roles you carry?
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Do you want an innovative way to connect with your children while teaching life lessons? Plant a garden. Sure, you’ll get either beautiful floral center pieces for your table or fresh veggies for the fridge. More importantly, gardens provide the opportunity to explore the nature of relationships in a way few other endeavors can match. Gardens teach:
· Good takes time. Machines deliver instant results, so it’s for children to believe that all good things come at the flick of a switch. Machines may deliver instant results; people take time. So do gardens.
You plant a seed; nothing happens—for days. When the sprout finally emerges, weeks pass before it becomes a recognizable plant. The first bud or bite can take more than a month. While we’re waiting to bite into that first juicy tomato, we can help our children understand that people likewise take time. That gross boy from math class is on his way to witty and caring; that stuck up girl will become a compassionate nurse. We just need to wait for them to blossom.
· Good needs tending. Watering, weeding, fertilizing, pruning are key to healthy gardens and relationships. Our children get the excitement of welcoming a baby sister or meeting a new friend. Grasping how much work must go into keeping this relationship going is more elusive. They are going to have water their relationships with time and fertilize with care and concern. They will have to weed out bad habits and prune away distractions. As they learn to tend gardens, they learn to tend relationships.
· Some relationships die. No matter how carefully a gardener tries, some plants die. So do some relationships. It’s heartbreaking. It seems like such a waste to have spent time and effort on something that never bore fruit, yet it happens with gardens and people. No matter how much we care and work, it dies. Learning to replant the cucumbers and try again is great practice for choosing to pursue relationships even after a beloved friend has cut off contact or faded away.
· The harvest is worth it. As you enjoy the color of your flowers or a juicy strawberry dessert, children learn the work is worth the effort. Just as with gardens, there are moments where we can doubt that the time with brothers or best friends is worth it. But, then you have that glorious afternoon playing together or that long talk that reminds you how special this person is to you. In the moments of harvest we enjoy the fruit of our labor and gain momentum to keep going. Whether you plant enough beds to feed your family or a single tomato plant in a pot on the deck, tending a garden can teach your children life lessons they can’t learn anywhere else. So, grab your gloves and a hoe and get digging.
This month’s topic: What are your favorite garden memories with your children?
We moms love our children. We poll friends, attend workshops, and read everything we can get our hands on to get glimmers of insight on how to do our job right. Yet, sometimes the harder we try the worse outcome we get. Why?! Unknowingly we can sabotage the very mothering success we desire. Though it can take many forms—here follow five common mothering mistakes.
Sabotage 1. You’re too patient. Patience is a virtue and the mainstay of motherhood. Our children are, well, childish. They need calm, gentle, clear responses from us—in short patience.
Yet, if you find yourself in a discussion every time you tell your four-year-old to go to bed or ask her to color while you visit with a friend, it may be that you’re too patient. Though it’s important to take the time to understand our children’s perspective, if we let our children continue to misbehave under the guise of being patient, their natural response will be to disobey long enough to keep us responding to them instead of them responding to us. Take note of your child’s perspective before giving a command. If she needs a drink before bed, get that. Then, give the order to sleep. If she begins a discussion, impose a consequence. In this way you patiently work with your child without patience becoming a stumbling block to obedience.
Sabotage 2. You’re too flexible. You get a great routine going, and the children are cooperating with the daily flow—then, it happens. You go on vacation. Relatives visit. Child gets sick. The routine goes out the window to accommodate life. That’s necessary.
Yet, if we never get back to the routine, life can play havoc with our best mothering endeavors. It’s good to give latitude to our children when they are grumpy because they don’t feel well. If we continue to give leeway to grumpiness long after the fever breaks, we undercut our best mothering. Getting back into the routine and ordinary behavioral expectations after the extraordinary passes supports our best efforts.
Sabatoge 3. You’re too involved. Children need our time and interaction. Those moments wrestling on the floor, reading books, playing kitchen reveal the incredible uniqueness of our child. We don’t want to miss that.
Yet, our children also need to develop the skill of learning to entertain themselves. If mom has become the sole source of entertainment, it may be a sign you’re too involved. Let the daily schedule include both times for you to play, explore, and interact with your children and times for them to explore on their own. Whether you put them on the couch with a stack of books (even two year olds can look at the pictures) while you vacuum, on the kitchen floor to play with blocks while you do dishes, or at a table to color while you pay bills—set aside time for them to play alone. Instead of passively waiting to be entertained, you give your children the gift of actively enjoying their world.
Sabotage 4. You’re too accepting. We want our children to explore their world. Reading quality books introduces them to great characters and opens new worlds. Watching good programs helps them meet diverse people and learn new skills. Toys teach life skills through play.
At the same time, we need to be sure our choices aren’t undercutting the very mothering we teach. A variety of popular books feature rude, complaining main characters—not the best influence for raising polite children. Some television shows depict parents tolerating the very behavior we are trying to eliminate. Toys, especially those with names like Bratz, exalt attitudes we forbid. We want our children to explore their world—we also need to be sure that what they take in supports our parenting rather than working against it.
Sabotage 5. You’re too selfless. Mothering is a tough profession. Getting it right requires investing time, emotion, and mental and physical energy to nurture and train our children. With all that flowing out, we’d better find a way to recharge or we soon won’t have anything to give.
· Attend to the physical. We need sleep; we need good food; we need physical exercise. If it’s been a while since you’ve had a full night’s sleep or something other than macaroni—you may find taking a nap or specifically planning a great lunch does wonders for your time with your children. Some moms have the cardinal rule that everyone—whether they nap or not—lays down for an hour so that she can have a quiet hour of rest. Others find a babysitter or join a gym with childcare to get the exercise they need. Taking care of yourself helps you care for your children.
· Attend to the emotional. We get majorly charged by the relationship with our children. They give us their love, their humor, and their unique perspective on life—a major source of joy. At the same time, it’s unfair to expect our little ones to be our sole emotional relationship. Recharge by spending regular time visiting with friends encouraging and being encouraged by them. Make the first twenty minutes hubby is home a sacred time where you reconnect with each other. Having healthy relationships in your life helps you have a healthy relationship with your children.
· Attend to the spiritual. It’s much easier you pour love into your children when the Author of Love is pouring into you. Make time to meet your God and be loved by Him. As you take moments to pause and worship God for who He is and thank Him for the wonderful family He’s given you, He will pour His abundant love for you into you giving you a wellspring of love for your family.
We want to be great moms. Avoiding these common sabotages can help us get there.
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This month’s topic: What do you see as a common sabotage to good parenting?
